Hi all. I'm new. Female, early 30s, out for 10+ years, been hopelessly single for four. When I was in college I felt rejected by the lesbian community. I'd often read their livejournals and live vicariously, pretending that I was confident in my sexual orientation and had a community that felt supportive and positive. When I graduated college I came back home. I used myspace to find local lesbians, and in my hometown and the immediate areas there weren't many. At first I would check their myspace pages to try and get ideas of gay events in the area, but then I just started clicking around and I'd spend hours just looking at these total strangers' profiles. I guess wishing that I had their lives. I can understand all of that amd even forgive its creepiness, since I was just a young gay person feeling isolated and sad. What I can't get past is the fact that I still do it, 10 years later, on Facebook. First it was the ex gf of a high school acquaintance. Now it's some random person who is very involved in the local gay scene. I check her Facebook and even found her Instagram and her ex Girlfriends account. This behavior freaks me out because it's almost compulsive and I don't know why I'm obsessing about these strangers, other than they seem happy and secure in their identities. The community is so small that there is a chance I'd meet them, and I would feel like such a creep if that happens. I know that Facebook is not a realistic representation of a person. I know that I "like" 'this person because I'm filling in the blanks based on their outer projection and my own bizarre fantasies. I also know that a few years ago my relationship destroyed me and I haven't even been able to try to meet anyone since, so maybe this is some kind of safe fantasy for me. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like a total basket case.
You remind me of The Girl on the Train. Not the alcoholic part but you seem like you are in a form of purgatory – unable to move into a place where you might want to be because of past sins that are as yet unaccounted for. You aren't a total basket case, you just can't control the future and that scares the hell out of you. You must get beyond this. if you want success you must accept the possibility that the next effort may become another failure. But there is still time in your life for many failures as you strive for success. One thing is for sure; you will always miss every opportunity you do not take. Talk therapy is very effective for someone in your situation. I suggest you seek a counselor to help guide you through this. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
