Hi, I would like to tell my story and it would be amazing to get some advice. I am from Massachusetts, USA and that is my home area. Okay, so about this time last year (March 2016), I was browsing on a few dating apps. On one of the apps, I had a guy message me. We talked for awhile on the app (about 1 month) and he gave me his SnapChat afterwards. He was kind of a local guy (about 1 hour drive from my house). Last summer (in June 2016), I temporarily moved abroad to Hong Kong and still had not met the guy. We continued to talk on Snapchat the ENTIRE summer while I was away. I would also like to point out that this guy is significantly older than me (10 year+ age gap). When I returned (August 2016), we finally decided to meet each other. We clicked instantly and we had an excellent thing going on. Unfortunately, I had to move abroad again back in September 2016 to Alberta, Canada. This time, I was only a few hours by flight away from him so we decided to make it work long distance. The long distance has worked quite well as I still get to see him about once a month. My MAIN issue with this relationship is how closeted he is. He has spent the entirety of his life in the closet (I will not say his exact age but let me tell you that he is older than 35). The only people that know he is gay are the people he has met on dating apps. Let's fast forward to the present, I have officially been dating this guy for almost 7 months now. Back in January, he told one person about me (however, this person REALLY forced it out of him and he told this person not to tell anyone). This one person was the wife of one of his best friends. Also, this person told him that her husband (his best friend) had assumed that he may be gay but he still refuses to tell him. Since I am living away from the US right now, he comes to Canada all the time. Therefore, nearly everyone in his life knows he is far away from home quite often. He always tells them he is with his "friend." I have told him on numerous occasions that this really bothers me. His response is always the same, "I have felt more comfortable in my body since I met you and I need to take baby steps. I can't just change overnight. I feel awkward just telling people I have a boyfriend." At first, I really did not have an issue with him being closeted but slowly, it is starting to eat me alive. Since he constantly travels between the US and Canada, I told him he should get a NEXUS card. A NEXUS card allows someone to travel between the borders much easier. To get a NEXUS card, you must go through an interview with a Canadian customs officer. During the interview, he was sked why he comes to Canada, and he responded with, "Oh, I like to go to hockey games in Canada and my friend lives here." However, he mainly talked about his interest in sports. This really really bothered me. He could not even tell a RANDOM stranger that he will never see again that he is coming here to see his boyfriend? He even got MAD at me for confronting him about this. He was like, "Well, all he asked me was why I came to Canada. I do come here to see hockey games. I was not being dishonest." (He actually has not been to Canada to see a sports game in over 2 years). I got really upset at him telling him that the REASON HE ACTUALLY comes to Canada is to see his BOYFRIEND. Also, I have told him that when he tells his close friends that I am just a "friend" he is being dishonest with himself and he says that he is not. He says that although I am much more than a friend, it is not a lie to tell people that I am just a friend. The funny part through all of this is that his OWN SISTER is a lesbian that is MARRIED to a woman and is out to everyone. Of course I have not met any of his friends or family because it would give it "away." Also, let me talk about his job. He works as a firefighter in his town. He claims that the industry he works in is a masculine industry and because he has worked there for over 15 years that coming out would ruin everything. He claims that everyone at work would hate him for it. I asked him, "have they ever shown signs of homophobia or anything?" and he said NO. So, that means the only thing he is afraid of is the uncertainty of it. Like I said before, he has told ONE person since he started dating me and promises me that he is taking "baby steps" and I warned him that if he takes an extremely long time to come out I will not stay with him. He claims he has made IMMENSE progress since he started dating me but honestly I do not feel like he has at all. When he is with his work friends, he will hide his phone from them because he does not want them to see him texting me. He has never made one Facebook post about me ever. He has not even mentioned my name to any family members. He has never mentioned my name to any of his CLOSE friends. All I ever have been referred to in his life is his, "friend." NOTHING ELSE. Also, the other week I noticed that on his Facebook Messenger App when he was sitting next to me, the top person on his list was some younger kid (about 20) named Zach. I later found out that Zach is extremely closeted too and is his friend's son. I looked up Zach's profile and noticed my boyfriend likes/comments on nearly all of Zach's Facebook posts. Is it wrong that I am suspicious of this? I know he does not see this kid ever but is it bad that I am annoyed that he ALWAYS likes/comments/tries to chat with him??? He won't even comment/like any of my posts. Maybe it is just jealously but I don't know. I need help and advice immediately I am sitting here writing this having an absolute anxiety attack. I really like this guy and want to see him change but I do not know how much more I can take of this...can someone please help me ..
First of all, how old are you? I gather you must be at least 25 if your age difference is about 10 years. Second, why is it so important to you to get some sort of public recognition? To me the way you describe the problem give me impression that you are insecure about your relationship. Third, fire stations are pretty much the most conservative masculine places left in terms of work places. I got friends working in the fire department and they have told me that firemen who are women or openly gay guys are shunned.
You have some very valid concerns relating to his closeted status. Your situation is not unique and the imbalance created when one person in a relationship is out and the other is closeted can be diffcult. Given both the long distance nature and his closeted status, it is fair for you to be asking yourself how to handle the relationship. Being in a relationship should be celebrated. The partners should be proud and hold there head high. There is a bonding and nurturing element to be able to express your partnership with others. When one party is in the closet, shame can interfere with the proper development. So, what advice do I have? It's really for you to decide how much tolerance you have to live in the closet along side him. And only you can decide if this relationship is right for you. I do believe people are supposed to make sacrifices for each other in a relationship, and your being asked to make a massive one while your partner is in the closet. But those sacrifices should not be at the expense of defining whom you are as an individual. So you also need to ask yourself, is your partners desire to remain in the closet impeding your ability to define whom you are as an individual?
