Afraid of being alone

Hey Colin. I understand the fear of being alone.

Please don't worry it is by no means too late. Try not to measure yourself against your friends and their experiences. Just because it hasn't happened for you yet doesn't mean that it won't. However it should be special, you shouldn't hold hands, kiss or have sex with someone unless it feels right. If you do any of these things simply because you feel you should you may not enjoy the experience and may well regret your actions.

I believe it will happen for you. In the meantime try not to be hard on yourself or doubt your self worth in any way. You deserve to meet someone and be happy and even though it may not seem it you have plenty of time for it to happen.

 

I'll reiterate what Nerdbynature said, I understand the fear of being alone AND it is by no means too late!

Like you I spent many of my high school and college years wondering WHY it seemed that everything (including dating!) was just so EASY for my peers...why they just seemed to have it all together while I seemed to be struggling. I remember these years (and I am MUCH older now) and I remember everything seeming so big and crucial and important. So I understand where you are at right now--but looking back now...those years just sort of blend into the fabric of my life, and I understand now nothing WAS as dramatic as I made it out to be. But it seemed like it, and not something one can understand until a decade or two or three later. (Trust me!)

I know it feels a lot like your time is running out because you are going to be 17. And we all have that great aunt/uncle in our family---the one in our family who never had a significant other, never married---the one we don't want to end up like! And while your friends seem to be in all these relationships all the time, remember, you might not be hearing about the rejections they faced getting to this relationship. Or the fact that while they seem happy and that its been easy...everything is not always as it seems.

So you asked what to do now...if you want to be in a relationship you will have to put yourself out there (which means facing possible rejection.) You will have to be responsible for creating your own opportunities to connect with others. It would be really nice if a relationship would just show up on our doorstep, but that's not how it happens for any of us. Know that the world is much bigger than the goings on in your high school. Summer is coming up. Look for opportunities to take advantage of during this time. Most towns offers programs for kids and teens..sports, acting classses, art, whatever your interest. Part-time jobs in retail or food service are also great social opportunities for teens. As is being a counselor at a children's camp--there will be lots of other teen counselors there too. I assume you will be going to college soon--spend some time researching colleges, during the summer you can even visit some.

You WILL hold hands, kiss someone and lose your virginity. You will have lots of relationships in your life. I know it's hard to see now, but it's true! Al the best Colin!

 

It's not a really big deal; some people don't date until they're well out of their teens and they still have long, lasting, meaningful relationships. It sounds kind of cliche, but dating at our age is incredibly overrated.

I've dated around quite a bit, and don't get me wrong I love going out and having fun, but emotions are messy, kissing is wetter and grosser than anyone will tell you. I had the same fears a couple years ago because I was struggling with being aromantic, felt totally alone, and wasn't connected with the LGBTQA+ community at all, so I felt like I would never find someone I could love and marry. I'm easily distracted and it made me feel like an unfaithful slut.

I've realized that I'm non-monogamous and I don't even know if I want to marry anymore. Finding the people who make us happy in life is more important than kissing and losing a V-card, whether they're romantic or platonic relationships. If you put yourself out there, meet people, and keep your mind open, you'll meet lots of people. One (or a lot) of those people is bound to like you the way you like them and then (what I hear is magic) stuff happens in your belly and figurative heart.

 

well,

I know of about four people personally who have never married. One of them is in their 30s and never had a boyfriend, the other one is in her 40s and never had a boyfriend, and the other two are in their 60s and have had boyfriends but never married and now live together (I actually thought they were lesbians and dating each other but turns out I was wrong, i'm still suspicious though haha). I, on the other hand, have had bad experiences in relationships. I was obsessed with a teacher I had in high school (i thought i was in love with her but it wasn't mutual) so I tried online dating and at that point, I had never even been on a date. I had a boyfriend, who i met online, for about a month but I really was not into him, he was a nice guy but he was so full of himself and boring to be with, that relationship really lacked passion and love and I was really only seeing him to get over my teacher crush. Then, I had a point in my life where I was really interested in sex, specifically sex with my crush but since I could not have her (she was married), I looked at women in the online dating scene. I sexted with one girl but we never met in person. Then, another girl who i wasn't even that attracted to, propositioned me online and we had sex in her car which was parked by my house and this was about like 10 minutes. so my first time was not special at all, it was my first kiss and my first time (although i still have not had sex with a man but i'm bisexual). two of my closest friends have boyfriends and one of them is really showy on social media and the other one has been with her boyfriend for almost 3 years and i have to admit, i'm jealous of both of them. i am also usually jealous of lesbian couples on my social media. like i want that, y'know? i want a girlfriend (or boyfriend) to be in my profile picture, as petty and immature as that sounds. i want someone to give me flowers or i want to give a girl flowers, a girl that actually likes me back (i tried to give flowers to my teacher crush and that was a disaster).

I'm the opposite of you, I wanna go back and NOT have sex. at first, I didn't want to have sex and i said it was because i am Christian and practicing abstinence but really i just didn't want to get pregnant or take birth control or have an abortion if i did get pregnant or anything along those lines. so i reasoned that it was okay for me to have sex with a girl because i wouldn't get pregnant. however, STIS are a thing and if you're not careful, they can sneak up on you, especially when you don't care about your first time being "special". thankfully, i didn't contract any STIS but i easily could have because this was a girl I met online and knew nothing about. now, i'm happily waiting until marriage because I want the person to be interested in me and share my values. not that there's anything wrong with NOT waiting until marriage, i just prefer it after having had sex. all of this happened when I was 20 so 17 is still really young.

I think you have to learn that being alone is not a bad thing. I want to get married but if i don't end up getting married, I'd be fine with it because I know I can handle it plus I am not sure if I want kids so the whole getting married and having a family spiel might not be for me and it might not be for you either but if it is for you, it will happen. i'm a big believer in fate. whatever's meant to be will be. but if you are desperate, you could always try online dating once you're 18....it worked for a few of my friends but it didn't work for me so i'm hesitant to recommend it. just rest easy and take things as they come and if you want to start dating, then online is your best bet unless you have someone in mind you want to ask out. I had a friend who was in the same situation and i was like we are both alone so why not give this a try? after two dates, he showed his true colours and it just ended up horribly. we barely talk anymore and our friendship was compromised so be careful with that as well.

 

Colin, it isn't too late and there is nothing wrong with you for being a "total virgin." The right person will come in time. And the right person will not judge you for how many times you've kissed, held hands, dated, or how many times you haven't.

The important thing is to remain authentic to yourself. Don't listen to what society deems right when it comes to love. You have a lot to offer and will make an amazing boyfriend one day. If you want a partner, put yourself out there and be brave, be real, be kind... Respect yourself and others will too.

Not that I'm a great example, but I have also never kissed, held hands, been on a date, or had sex with anyone. And that's okay.

 

I've got nothing to add, everything important has been said; I'll still wish you good luck, because everyone needs to be told "good luck".

Now, I see myself very much in your post. I'm going to be sixteen in a few days (and I feel old, for other reasons). I have never dated. I haven't been able to come out despite knowing my orientation for three years and suspecting it for more than four. I have only had relationships online, which all crashed. I can't fathom dating anyone in my country, etc.. There are days when I'm desperate and I blame every one of those things on myself. I know I want my first time to mean something. I know I only want to kiss someone I love. They just haven't showed up yet, or maybe they did but I can't be with them. So I cope with the knowledge of it.

But if being told "don't worry, just wait" (even when it's more fleshed out) doesn't satisfy you, I have another piece I can add. if you look deeper, here's a way to twist the reasoning into something that will not put the blame on you (because it is not on you) :
do not ask yourself why you have this delay when compared to your friends; acknowledge that is it most likely abnormal, and ask yourself why it seems normal to most of us, and why nobody is doing anything significant about it. Ask yourself why it seems that people just accept that as a transgender and gay teenager you can't enjoy (or get to regret later) the same kind of experimenting that most cis-het(-allo) (or closeted) teenagers enjoy. The blame is on those who put you in this situation, volountarily or not. It is on those who think LGBT+ teenagers don't exist, or only have needs of being treated equally when they're adults. This is a part of why things need to be changed. This is certainly not a fair situation, and none of it is your fault.

But hey, that's just what I tell myself when I can't sleep and keep thinking I'm gonna be alone forever. Maybe that'll help you too. Maybe the other tips will work better. Hopefully you'll feel better.

Again, good luck.