Help from those who have had a terminal ill parent

Sorry to hear all this! It's an incredibly rough time for you.

I went through part of what you are currently going through in the 1990s. (Right about the time you were born, in fact...) My mother was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer, and died a couple of years later or so. During this two years, both grandmothers reached the end of their lives. One did out live my mother, but she was in a nursing home, and her mind was pretty much gone due to a stroke.

I wish I had some great advice...but I don't. Frankly, I'm not sure how I made it through that hellish time...

One thing, though, I do wish I'd done is something you are doing: trying to get support. I had very little support network. I had zero health insurance, and was seriously low income, so a therapist was out of the question. I had zero friends in my life, and precious little family support. For that matter, my mother did not want her condition known. She had reasons--issues with extended family would have made that time worse if it had been known exactly what was going on. So the only supportive element I had who really knew what was going on was my mother, herself. So it was a lonely time for me, and heavy burden...

I think it also helps having at least some life "elsewhere" so that one can get away from the situation of a seriously sick parent.

 

I can't say I've gone through exactly what you're going through, but I've dealt with a parent going through a health crisis and lost my grandpa a couple months ago. Spend as much time with the person as you can, with other people who can support you (family, IRL friends, internet friends, support groups, therapists), and doing things that you enjoy.

There's no easy answer because it's not easy. I'm here for you in any way I can be.

 

Sorry you are having to go through this HMO3. What you are going through is tough. I've not been in your shoes thankfully, but I've cared for many terminal patients.
You are doing it right by getting some support from friends and therapist. Your friends may get weary but if they are good friends they'll want to be there for you in some capacity. Just make sure to manage the time you spend venting and thank them for listening.
There are a lot of community resources out there for cancer patients and their families. Try looking for support groups. If there aren't any near you there are certainly some online.

 

Nothing can truly prepare you for the loss of special people like siblings, parents and grandparents (I know this from experience HM03), but I do think it's important to confront reality and mentally prepare yourself, as much as you can. There are no secrets to *how* you do this, it's simply a case of acknowledging the seriousness of the situation and bracing yourself for that which comes to all of us eventually.

I was a little bit older than you when I lost my mother to breast cancer and my sister to a rare soft tissue cancer. I knew it was very serious in both cases and there was a greater chance they would die than live, so I acknowledged that fact and took steps to prepare myself. I wanted to remain positive of course, but denying the facts and burying my head in the sand wasn't an option. I knew how big the slap down would be, if I'd done that. Facing the facts helped me to cope in the weeks and months before and following their passing. I was still upset and I did cry and become emotional, but I wasn't floored by it all, like some people. I also clung onto the fact that my mother and sister were very positive people who would want me to live and love life, more than anything else. Before she died, my sister warned us all against mourning and made us promise to live and love and hope. I try to do that every day in honour of her memory.

I'm pleased you have a therapist to talk to, but I would encourage you to talk within the family too. Don't allow things to pass. Don't leave things unsaid.

It's very hard when somebody you love is terminally ill. You are constantly restless and normality is abandoned. Every day feels like it has a black cloud hanging in the air and you just know it will open up eventually. I have been where you are HM03 and it's incredibly hard.

The most important thing is to talk about your feelings in an open and honest way and prepare yourself as much as you can.

If you want to talk about it, you know you can PM any time.

With hugs (*hug*)
Patrick

 

I'll second what Patrick said. I lost both of my parents within the last five years. It's hard. It just is. Try to take care of yourself. Own up to what's going on--leave nothing unsaid. If you do you'll regret it forever. But also try not to lose hope. My Mother was given three months to live when she was initially diagnosed but was treated any way, just in case. She did die of that cancer, but over twenty years later.

On the one hand it was terrible to live with that hanging over us for a good portion of my adult life, but on the other hand it was all out there. We said everything we needed to say and she did all the things that were important to her. My parents spent five weeks touring Europe during one of her remissions. They went to China. We had a couple week long family trips where all the kids and spouses and grandkids would all go somewhere together. In a weird way I think it gave us all a clarity that we might have otherwise lacked--I know it's not much of a silver lining but don't waste it.