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I Need Confirmation

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Mike2222, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. Mike2222

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    Hey guys,

    This is my first post here and I'm still new to this whole thing. I'm just confused about whether or not to come out to everyone. I have felt gay for quite a while now, but I'm scared that I'm not really gay and am just convincing myself that I am.

    Please tell me what you think!!! I never started to question my sexuality until around late middle school and early high school in the fact that I started to fade away from traditional "guy stuff". I loved sports like soccer, basketball and tennis, but after going to training camps and practices, I ended up sticking with tennis instead because I didn't feel like I fit in with the other guys in the rough and tough sports. Ever since high school, all of my friends have primarily been girls, which makes me further question my sexuality. I also started to watch a lot of gay porn and masturbate while thinking about guys.

    Now it may look like I'm obviously gay based on what I just told you, but I still have these lingering thoughts that I may not be gay. I just have a lot of trouble picturing myself with another guy at times, and sometimes really girly men annoy me, which I feel terrible about. I sometimes also catch myself talking to girls in a flirtatious way, as if I would ever want to "sleep" with them or be in a relationship. Right now I can see myself in a relationship with a girl, yet I'm not sure if I'd want to do anything beyond holding hands. Meanwhile I have no idea what a relationship with a guy would be like, which makes me nervous that I might not even like it.

    I told one of my friends that I was gay earlier this year, yet about a month after doing so, my mind has been filled with doubt, causing me to become really frustrated with myself. I want to tell people, but because I have trouble picturing myself in a gay relationship, I'm just not sure.

    What are your opinions?
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome!

    I think you probably already know the answer to your question. :slight_smile:

    Basically, if you find yourself fantasizing about guys when you masturbate, and watching gay porn, and feeling like your attractions are more to men than women... well, it's pretty clear you're gay. Now... it's not my place or anyone else's to tell you, but based on what you've described, that seems the most likely answer.

    I think the things you mention that cause you to question are the things that every gay guy experiences. Some gay men don't like particularly femme guys, others shy away from masculine guys, in much the same way that straight men may find different attributes of women attractive or repulsive. So nothing there that would lead away from the idea that you're gay.

    It might help to know that in the coming out process, as we process the loss of perception as straight, there are stages we go through in processing the loss: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and it can take minutes or years to go through them.

    In your case, it sounds like you are toward the end of the bargaining stage... basically "Well, I know I like guys, but I'm not quite ready to let go of the idea I could still end up with a girl", which is a pretty common place.

    As to whether you'll like being in a relationship with a guy... really, it's no different than being in a relationship with a girl, except that the guy has a penis. It's all about connecting emotionally with someone you care about, and the same issues come up both with hetero and homosexual relationships.

    My guess is the doubt about picturing yourself in a relationship with a guy is probably just remnants of fear of judgment, and the desire to imagine yourself in a relationship with a girl is more about wanting to fit into the heterosexual norm.

    It seems like you're pretty comfortable with the idea, and so in those situations, sometimes the best thing is to just start acting as though you've accepted that you're gay, and see how it feels for a week or a month or so... my guess is once you start to embrace it, you'll find your attraction and desire toward men increasing, and the remnants of feeling connection toward women decreasing.

    Feel free to continue discussing this and sharing your concerns... that's the best way to help yourself figure things out.
     
  3. Mike2222

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    Thank you and I really appreciate your thoughtful response! I know that I most likely am gay, and I should be proud and accept this reality. Now all I need to worry about is coming out, which I guess is the next big step I have to take.
     
  4. Ljjgreat2017

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    I am somewhat going through the same thing. I am confused about my sexuality and I feel sad because I can't seem to figure it out. I think it is important to take life slowly. Let time take its course.
     
  5. Questions93

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    Hi Mike2222,

    I have gone through the exact same thing (maybe still a little at times now as well). So first off, know that you certainly arent alone. Trust me, i know how confusing and difficult it is to always question yourself. To always be doubting things about yourself.

    I cant for definite say that you are gay, although its quite likely. What i can do though, is tell you my experience (dont worry, i'll be quick!).

    Similarly, i always had a fair idea i was gay. But i always had these thoughts, what if im not, what if i am just so afraid of being gay that i have convinced myself i am, what if i just havent met the right girl yet.....but i always really knew. Like chip said i was likely just in the bargaining stage. But over time, and a couple of experiences with guys (and girls!), ive realised that, it is what it is! Im gay. I do still have the occasional doubt, but ive learned thats just my mind playing tricks!

    Again, i know how stressful it can be, and how hard it is to stop thinking about it. But give it time, you'll figure it out! In the meantime, ask questions on here. Everyone here are incredible in helping you to understand yourself and in figuring all this out.

    Just realised i havent really answered your question. Should you come out? Take a look at your first experience. Did it improve things? Did it help you accept yourself? Or did it cause more doubt and anxiety? I came out to people before i was ready my first time, and honestly it made me even more anxious. But then the second time, where i was pretty sure i was gay, it definitely helped. Its a tough decision, but do what feels right and stick by your decision.

    Hope this helped a little :thumbsup:
     
  6. Mike2222

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    Hey Questions93. Sorry for just reading this, but I appreciate your help in sharing your experiences with me! I'm 17 now and have known that I'm not exactly straight when going into high school. Can I just ask, how did you know that your mind was just playing tricks? Like, what made you tell yourself that you are gay and that it was only your brain trying to bargain with these thoughts? Also, what feelings do you get for "pretty" girls? And what about straight guys, cause sometimes I think they're cute but then really turned off cause their jerks?

    Sorry for all these questions. I just feel like I'm so close to figuring myself out, but I'm just struggling on the home stretch. Just let me know your thoughts. Thanks!
     
  7. Chip

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    Mike, when the mind plays tricks, it's generally in the opposite direction: the guy who is definitely gay, but whose mind rationalizes and justifies everything that would point to being gay, out of the fear of accepting oneself as gay. It's pretty much unheard of for a guy to be in a situation where they're fantasizing about guys, masturbating to guys, watching gay porn... and be straight. It just doesn't happen.

    And as far as gay guys being turned on by straight guys... why do you think there are so many "straight guy goes gay" porn sites? It's a huge turn-on for gay guys because they're unattainable and for some reason, we always lust after what we can't have.

    As for feelings for pretty girls... most gay guys can totally identify which girls are attractive, and they can also feel a connection, a desire for a deep bond of friendship. They simply have zero interest in having sex with them, and if they do, it is generally pretty underwhelming.

    The questioning is totally understandable, normal, and expected. There's no reason to rush through this process. You can take as long as you want, question for as long as you want... because you want to feel comfortable with who you are.

    It's been my experience that the more comfortable you get accepting the idea that this is likely who you are, and start embracing that, the more the doubts fall away. And don't worry about asking a million questions... that's how you figure it out, is by talking about it. :slight_smile:
     
  8. anthracite

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    There's actually no way of convincing yourself to have a different sexuality than you really have. Also you don't need to date girly guys. There's also real tough gay/bi guys.
    If you like a girl currently, it might be the case that you're bi. I would just wait and see who you fall in love with.
     
  9. Questions93

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    Hey Mike2222,

    Dont be sorry for asking questions, ive been flat out doing it on here for months :slight_smile:

    So others have pretty much answered your questions, but i'll throw in what i have found anyway!

    How do i know my mind is playing tricks? Because when i have these doubts about my sexuality, i try to take a step back and look at the facts. I masturbate to gay porn, i always think about men, my sexual experiences with men have been far from ideal but they still felt right! I mean straight people dont really think like this haha!!

    Pretty girls? I know theyre pretty. I know i should want to be with them (not true!), but i dont! I like guys more..

    Yeah liking straight guys is tough. There are some incredible looking guys that you imagine being gay and getting with, but then you realise they're definitely straight (and sometimes a jerk like you said!). But you just gotta deal with that.

    I feel my answers havent been great so sorry if they havent really been much use! But bottom line is; even if these doubts are in fact true. Even if i do like girls..... its pretty clear i like guys too! So im just going to take each experience as it comes and see what happens!

    All the best man. Please reply here or send me a wall post if you have any more questions. I feel like we are experiencing some very similar issues so it would be great if we could help eachother out :slight_smile: