Questioning is Hell

I think it's important as you travel down this road of questioning that you don't mislead yourself down false paths. Here's some thoughts for you:

1. Your gay thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with being raised with an absent father or babying mother. Nothing. If being raised by a masculine father who taught manly things makes you straight, then we would have a lot fewer gay people in the world. It really has nothing to do with it, and your reliance on that belief is just more denial and bargaining.

2. I know you don't want to be gay. I didn't either. The vast majority of LGBTQ people didn't want to be LGBTQ. But it's not a choice, as you already know. The only choice you have is to either accept it or deny it.

3. Your homosexual feelings and thoughts will not go away, no matter how much you try to deny it. You could date women, watch straight porn, have sex with women, marry a woman and have children with her. Your gay thoughts and feelings will remain right beside you the entire time. Please trust me on that because I know.

4. The hell you are going through will likely stop after you reach acceptance and begin to live your life authentically and honestly. The longer you take to reach that point the longer you will continue to live in this hell.

5. Why do you have gay thoughts? You can't help being attracted to men. Whether you are gay or bisexual, you are clearly not straight. Only you can determine if you have sexual attraction to women as well as men. You didn't mention women in your post at all in any way. That's sort of telling to me actually.

6. You seem to be pretty clear that you are not straight. Why then do you have "Straight but curious" in your profile?

7. Your statement "I don't want to be with a man" is most likely a result of internalized homophobia. If you fantasize about men, find men attractive, and have gay feelings and thoughts, then ultimately you do want to be with a man. But your upbringing, culture, religion?, friends, family have all taught you that being gay is wrong and you feel disgust at the thought because you have been taught your whole life that you are supposed to feel disgusted. The dissonance between what you have been taught and the experience of your feelings and thoughts towards men are what is causing this pain and hellish existence. Ridding yourself of the shame, guilt, fear, and homophobia that you've internalized is the true key to healing yourself.

This is a difficult journey to be on, and so many of us have walked the exact path you're on before you. Please continue to read and post here on EC, and give yourself the permission to explore your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behavior. I do hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Take care. ride:

 

Just know that even though questioning your sexuality is hard there are no wrong answers. Being gay might not be as "simple" as being straight but that doesn't mean its bad. Being gay is not wrong just like being straight isn't wrong they're both nobody's fault. They're both completely natural.

Bullying someone for being who they were born to be is wrong and you shouldn't let anyone treat you that way not even yourself. You deserve better than to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up for something you can't help. You are what you are. Spending your whole life wishing for something different will only make it hurt worse.

That being said I know questioning your identity hurts like crazy. I understand how hard it is. You have every right to be frustrated and angry. Its totally rational to wish all that pain will go away. Know you're not alone even when it seems like you are other people have been where you are. You deserve to be loved no matter what your sexual orientation is.