Feeling numb and hopeless

Hi Old Soul

I am not great at giving advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own. I feel for you.

I am a bit where you are (minus meds and therapy) and understand when you say that doing the simplest thing while suffering from depression can take a toll. All I can say is don't give up.

Easier said then done of course. Take it a day at a time.

Maybe try talking to your mom? Anyway I hope you find comfort.

 

Are there any LGBT groups, centres or even a number you call to talk to someone? They may have encountered some of the issues you have. You sound like you need to talk to someone quickly so if need be phone Samaritans.

I would speak to your doctor about your meds. If they make you feel like shit get your doctor to take you off them and try something different. They might have the fancy degree but at the end of the day it's your body and your life. Sometimes they put you on so much you forget who you are.

 

Clinical depression can make it feel as if your life is passing you by. The lack of motivation, the low energy, the numbness, hopelessness and the veil of darkness of depression makes it very difficult TO be engaged in life. As you know, depression and it's darkness, can create a sort of tunnel vision where only more darkness and lack of hope can be seen. I understand, I was diagnosed with a mood disorder in my teens. Medication and therapy have both helped. I have lived a (mostly) stable and 'regular' life...but still.. there have been periods of overwhelming depression every few years.

You are seeing a psychiatrist, great step. He is adjusting your medication, hopefully this will help. Medication can be difficult to get just right, and it's frustrating to be patient. Side effects too can be problematic, and sometimes you simply can't take or choose not to take a medication because of them. But when you do find the right combo it can be life changing. Seeing a psychologist or therapist is also a good idea. medication, no matter how effective, is not the only piece in treating depression. I used to think that therapy/talking was just a waste of time--until I really connected with a therapist, not only have I found it not a waste of time, it has been so helpful in getting me on a forward moving path.

I think the suggestion about finding an LGBT group is a good one too. Though if you are feeling such low energy and hopelessness from your depression right now it may be difficult and overwhelming for you to reach out right at the moment. Hopefully medication can take the edge of the depression off enough that you WILL be able to do these things. You have some great goals, move out, finish schooling, working. Just know that many others have been where you are right now and have met or are exceeding their goals. It can get better Old Soul!

 

It'll get better I've been where you are and I've known plenty who have been. It can and will get better. Trust me.

Stay awesome and reach out to people around you, even if they are online.

Peace

 

I am also dealing with depression and anxiety as well. So I understand a lot of where your coming from. In fact your situation sounds eerily similar to mine in some ways. Given that, I'm not sure if my advice will help you since it only helps me some of the time, but then it does help at least occasionally so maybe its worth having.

Firstly on dark days I try to find something to make me laugh. I can't always find something, but looking for something to make me laugh does give me something to do other than sit in the dark and beat myself up. Also when I do find things that make me laugh it makes things less dark. Personally, I like jokes about depression because they're relatable even when I'm having a really hard time, but that's just me.

Secondly try to make a reason to get out of bed. Set a weekly date with a friend or family member. Join a group that meets once a week. I have a standing agreement to make my mother dinner every Monday. I hate it sometimes but since its only once a week I can usually force myself to do it. It forces me to keep track of the days of the week which I can lose to a bad episode if I'm not careful. Also it makes me feel like I do have something I do in my life even though its something small. Plus it does sometimes help me feel better.

Lastly try to do something small everyday that you can pat yourself on the back for. It could be really small like, hey at least I brushed my teeth today, or I got up and ate a healthy meal today. It can be something bigger, like I applied to a job today, or I talked to a stranger today, but don't stress about it being big, small is fine. Just choose something to do, keep it small, do that thing and then force yourself to take credit for that thing. It may be hard to allow yourself to take credit for whatever it is, you may think, that thing was too small, or anyone can do that thing. Well guess what you aren't just anyone, you are a person dealing with depression and right now everything is hard. Whatever it was that you did, it was hard for you and you did it anyway. So be proud of yourself, force yourself to take credit, and bask in it for as long as you can manage. Its OK if you can't manage for very long just keep finding something every day to congratulate yourself for. You'll get better at it with practice.

Anyway I hope this helps. Depression sucks. If you want you can message me and we can wallow in our misery together for a time. Good luck and best wishes.

P.S. This post actually was very comforting knowing someone else is in a situation similar to mine. Also responding allowed me some rather helpful and surprising introspection. Basically I just wanted to say thanks for posting I guess.

 

Losing interest in things you normally found relatively easy to do, is definitely a sign of depression. At least you know that much. Though I haven't been unemployed before, let alone for 4 years, I understand how hopeless it makes you feel. The longer you are unemployed or the longer you go without finding something useful to do with your life, the worse you will feel, the more unmotivated you will feel, and eventually, just getting up in the morning will feel like a chore, and ultimately you will fall so deeply into a state of depression that you lose hope on life itself.

No, I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm telling you this to help motivate you (even if it doesn't seem like it). I'm trying to let you see that things will continue to worsen the longer you wait to find a job or at least start a hobby that will give you a sense of purpose. Anything to keep yourself from falling into a pit of nothingness. You are strong, you can overcome this obstacle. The dark clouds will get a silver lining and eventually the sun will shine through and make you see that life is worth it (*hug*)

Well, you are in a better position than most of the people on here are. You've already gotten the coming out part over and done with, albeit a number of years ago. And though it's not discussed, just know that you put yourself out there, and they've had some time to get used to it. I'm also still living at home and finances won't allow me to move out any time soon. I came out to my parents, most of my friends and anyone else who cares enough to ask. Homosexuality is a topic that comes up quite a bit in our house, and it makes me sad because it's always negative. So there's that for you to be thankful for at least. The community isn't always under scrutiny and you're not made to feel like a lowlife by your own parents, just because you're gay. My parents don't believe in bisexuality. They are very homo- and biphobic and closed-minded. So even though the topic isn't discussed in your home, at least you don't have to deal with their hurtful comments on top of everything else you're going through.

I'm bipolar, and also on my second psychiatrist (Not counting all the shrinks I went to as a child). I have gone through so many different medications over the last 7 years (I was officially diagnosed in 2010). I have also been on Wellbutrin 300mg. I don't know the other one you're on. I'm currently only on mood stabilizers, as my antidepressant (Serdep) sent me into a manic phase, which is still ongoing, after two to three months off my antidepressants, though it's to a lesser degree.

I was hospitalized in 2012, where I met my current psychiatrist. She's a specialist psychiatrist and she seems to "get" me more. Maybe because she's female? On top of that, I'm also seeing a counselling psychologist, which really helps me, as she's (yes, another female) is mainly there for me to TALK to. She gets paid to LISTEN to me, and doesn't grab the prescription pad immediately (She's not qualified to medicate me anyway). Maybe you could look into getting additional therapy and see if that helps you figure yourself out, and help yourself on a different level that a psychiatrist can.

Whatever you do, don't lose hope. You will get through this. You can do it! Just keep believing in yourself and try your best to do something small for yourself each day. The more you do it or other small things, the better you will feel and the easier it will become. And before you know it, you will be on top of things again and you will look back and see how much you've grown as a person. Remember, butterflies have to struggle to get out of the cocoon so their wings can get strong enough for them to fly. Look at yourself as a struggling butterfly. Eventually, your wings will be strong enough for you to fly! (*hug*)