I haven't put up much of anything here in awhile. To be honest I reached a point where I felt like my views on things weren't particularly welcomed and I was spending more time reflecting on whether or not I was even allowed to say a thing than I was being able to openly discuss my feelings at all. I'm very strong minded politically so it's not really anyone's fault, I am a very controversially minded person apparently. That's enough about that though.... So I've just got a lot of feelings I kind of wanted to lay out on the table and put somewhere, but I wasn't sure where and I figured since nobody here would care this would be the perfect place to just unload all of my anxieties in one big crazy dump. First of all, lately I've been bouncing back and forth between totally accepting of the fact that we're all going to die someday and being absolutely terrified of that idea. I dunno, it seems to shift with every passing day. Sometimes I can just accept that and be content with what life we're given, and then other days I practically have a panic attack lying awake in bed thinking about it over and over again. It's something I guess I don't have a strong means of coping with, and I'm not spiritual so I can't just pretend to myself that some magic skybox is waiting for me afterward. In my perception of things, It's over when it's over. I'm a little jealous of people who can believe in that sort of thing. I feel like they are lucky to not have to worry about dying. Secondly, I'm sort of deeply ashamed of my sexual interests/fetishes and I feel that most of them are just a reflection of my negative self-image. I mean seriously the only way you can enjoy what I enjoy is if on some deeper level you truly just loathe yourself entirely. I dunno whether that's biological, my dad just fucked me up emotionally, or because I bottle everything I'm feeling up and this is the result of that. I really couldn't say. Speaking of which I have this weird thing I do where I get really deeply invested in/motived by some idea or goal and then I spend weeks and weeks working on nonstop before suddenly all the motivation and energy just gets suddenly sucked away. After that, I meander about for awhile until I find myself back on the roleplay sites I use where I spend a week or two engaging in all sorts of fetish based stuff until eventually I mellow back out and kind of reset I guess you could say only to start right back over again. The last thing I did this on was drawing. I was actually on a pretty good track too. I was learning a lot, I was getting great at doing free hands, and then I tried to draw something completely original and the whole thing turned out bad. After that, I just felt the energy sap out of me and I feel back downwards into the spiral and now here I am once again with nothing of value to show for my life. I'm starting to think I was put on this earth just to have big ambitions that will never come to pass. Now onto the thing that brought me around here. So I was just thinking about how I'd like to get into better shape. The main reason for this is that I would like to experiment with cross-dressing, but if I can't pull off the look I have no desire to bother with it. I know for some of you that's a cardinal sin, but that's just how I feel. What's even the point if instead of making you feel free or beautiful it just serves as a harsh reminder that you have certain inescapable aspects to your biology? I guess even the most beautiful lie would have to ultimately face reality anyways though, so maybe there is no point in it at all. I mean I'm 25, with some great exercise and some knowledge on how to exercise and shave effectively I could probably manage to pull the look off ( I def have the hair ) for another 5 or so years, but eventually it'd become more and more obvious that I wasn't a girl and from that point on it'd just mean nothing and have no purpose. You can only pretend for so long. I don't know where I fall on the male/female spectrum at all really. I don't have much of a strong desire to find out, it seems meaningless to know. I do know, however, that when I think about the concept of transitioning I always find myself curious why anyone would do it...I don't mean that in the usual negative context either. What I mean is that even with transitioning aren't you still more or less just imitating? You aren't the real thing...unless medical science advances to the point where you have a working womb you'll always be incomplete and that makes me wonder why anyone bothers with it in the first place. It just seems pointless, another lie. Another method of trying to run from inescapable truths instead of confronting the reality of the situation. Well there you go...that's my mind dump. That's not even close to everything I think/feel but at least that's something out of my head. I'm sorry it's just a random incoherent mess. My thoughs tend to be all over the place.
