timshel

"And there are millions who feel predestination in 'Thou shalt.' Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be. But 'Thou mayest'! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win."
"It is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, 'I couldn't help it; the way was set.'"

These quotes are from a book called East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I'm not religious, but I've began to feel these quotes very deeply.

I want to kill myself. Everything is just too much and I just want it all to stop. I need it to stop. I've wanted to kill myself for awhile, but only recently have I actually become more serious about it. I dont feel so upset about it anymore, just numb.

Long story short, I feel like maybe I was predestined to be miserable and end my own life. I feel like it's what's meant to be, and I kind of take comfort in that. But then the second quote- I agree with it. It's what I want to do, throw my hands up and say "I can't do shit to fix this, it's just what's meant to be."

But then! The first quote. Timshel, meaning "thou mayest". It means that we all have the power to carve our own pathes, we are each the master of our own destiny. Nothing is predestined, each choice and it's outcome is ours.

I don't want to live, but timshel, I want to try to give living a chance. I'm willing to give living a chance.
I'm asking for help I guess. I want advice, I want to know your thoughts, your stories, anything please. I want to know what to do about all of this.

I'm sorry if this all sounds like a bunch of crazy garbage, I'm just a tired teenage boy.

 

Honestly? I don't even know where to begin.
Everything has just gotten so tangled up and mixed together and it's all too much. If you ask more specific questions maybe I can find some answers for those.