I met a girl last year in September and almost immediately we started being very flirtatious with each other. So come late November I told her about my feelings because it was pretty obvious by that time that she liked me too, since by then we spent much of our free time together and were very cuddly and complimented each other a lot. After I told her my feelings, she told me that she felt the same and had been contemplating what do to because she had a boyfriend back home who was 26 (and we're 18) and she told me a lot about how he treated her and honestly it wasn't great, she also told me that she never could even tell if she loved him and they had been dating for a year. So she said she needed time to think things over because while she did feel very strongly for me and felt that she would be happier with me and she was attracted to me since we met, but she also felt that she owed it to him to wait until she returned home and talked with him about it in person. So I was like "sure but should we stop being so cuddly and stuff now while you try to understand what you want" and she said yes, and we tried, but we went quickly back to our old ways and probably got even closer. When she'd get drunk i'd always stay the night with her to make sure she didn't fall off the bed or if she needed help, but she'd always try to kiss me too, but i moved my face away because i didn't want to be like that. Anyway so by the end of December it was a given that she would break up with her bf and it was clear that she wanted to date me. At this point, we had shared 'I love you's and my friend had told me that when she told them that she liked me, it was more of a "I love her (me)". So over our winter break things resumed as normal, we talked a lot and messaged a lot and things were good. We wished each other happy new year and merry christmas and even then she still told me that she loved me. Then the last week of our break arrived and she told me that she broke up with her BF but she would need time and I was okay with that, because they were together for a long time and even though he wasn't good for her, she still cared. So once we got back to campus, things were still as they were, even though we decided to back off a bit from each other so she could set her feelings straight. But the weekend we got back, we made the mistake of drinking and I was going to go to bed in my room and she'd go to bed in hers, one of our friends urged us to go to her room together and just be happy together... later that night we kissed for the first time (because she was actually single) and it was really nice tbh. She told me that she had wanted to do that for a long time and she was really cute and kissed my cheeks and nose and stuff. But then after she was saying that we need to take things slow and I was like Okay? then later that week she told me that she needed more time to herself because she hadn't been single in like 4 years and just wanted to work on herself and experience that again. But she said that she was scared of commitment but also of being alone and also told me that she was thinking that this would span the whole semester. At first i was like, okay I'll wait because I still love you and i want you to get better (keep in mind she had a lot of traumatic stuff happen in her past relationships and her family life was cruddy). But then a week or two later I saw her flirting with a guy and asked her about it. She got really defensive and said that she could hang out with someone and be alone with them without getting feelings (even though thats what happened with us). Then that week she was like "listen I'm thinking more like a year that i'll need to work on myself" and obviously I was distraught because that's an impossible time to wait for someone, but she told me that in all of her previous relationships, except for her most abusive one (the only one that she was really in love with) she had cheated on them. And she hated that about herself and she wanted to fix that about herself and just couldn't handle being in a relationship while being in the mental state that she was in. And i was like "okay, but I can't wait for you that whole time" and so that was kinda our 'breakup'... And we've had plenty of conversations since then regarding the nature of our relationship but I can't possibly summarize them all especially considering that this is already a book.. but for the most part she's told me that she only loves me as a friend now and that there will probably never be anything between us in the future, and that she really tried to make it work but it just couldn't. She's told me that i'm still important to her and wants to remain my friend but she hasn't actually put any effort into that. She also has since gotten together with that boy she lied about flirting with and while she said they're not dating, they spend all their time together and are definitely sleeping together.. he also lives on my hall so now i know for sure that she's moved on from me. But every time I see a new hickey on her I just hurt more, and it's been two months since our lil breakup but I still love her and think she's the most attractive girl out there and yet she barely hangs out with me anymore or talks. She's stated multiple times that our relationship is really fragile right now but I don't know what to do, because she never really said what went wrong with our relationship and was somehow able to move on to a new guy within a week or two?? Yet we were so close when we were 'together' emotionally and physically. Not only that but this new boy does a lot of drugs and she's been doing so much more risky things this semester than she did last semester.. Last semester she drank like 3 times and now she's gotten wasted every friday and saturday all semester and also gets high regularly and tried LSD a few days ago and i'm sure shes gonna keep escalating because she doesn't see any of the risks that come with those, even though she's come across many creepy guys at parties and I think that the boy that she's been regularly hooking up with doesn't actually care about her, he's just happy he's getting laid by a really beautiful girl without putting any effort into taking care of her emotionally or when she's under the influence and is throwing up everywhere..... Sorry this is so long I'm just still in love with her and it hurts to see her doing this to herself and to be in such terrible company and to know that she has completely lost all the feelings she had for me.
Hi Queenmarceline, I can certainly empathize with what you are going through. It is so hard and it hurts. A lot. Someone on here once said they don't like the term 'getting over' someone...but rather to realize that the love that we have had for someone just gets woven into the fabric of life. Or something along those lines. At any rate, I really like that perspective on things. Because we don't get over our feelings for someone the same way we get over a cold, or not getting the job we want, or not getting a good grade on a test. Emotions are different than that. I will offer you some advice, from my experience (and I learned the hard way--believe me!) Anytime we get emotionally invested in one of these 'undefined/kind of vague/not sure where I stand/we're friends but more, but not a couple' relationships it has a higher likelihood of not heading in any direction that's good. Obviously the second we meet and are attracted to someone and them to us we are not going to have a big 'defining the relationship' conversation. But as a bit of time passes and heavy flirting, emotional connection, cuddling, kissing etc. comes into the picture; and when emotional investment is getting high---then its time to define it. And if its not defined in a way that is okay with you it's time to get out. It seems like you did make some effort to define it and time try to put up some boundaries, but would always end up back in your 'old ways and probably getting even closer.' Believe me I have done this too, told the person we needed to back off from all the 'kissing and cuddling', but then fallen right back into it anyway. It really amounted to me hoping that if I just waited things out things would go the way I wanted them to. Meanwhile I was getting more and more invested. Which made it harder for me to disentangle myself emotionally when I eventually had to. I know it's hard right now because you see her with this new guy, who doesn't seem so good for her, you see her trying LSD, drinking more, the guy doesn't take care of her when she's drunk etc. And just don't get it, wondering why she is being like this. But bottom line is that this is her choice. You have no control over this. People make all kinds of decisions that don't make sense to us...but make perfect sense to them. I doubt she has truly 'lost all feelings for you'--but she is just on a different path, going in a different direction, one that's right for her right now. And that's just it, sometimes people can have feelings for each other, but just be on different life paths and need different things. Be kind to yourself right now, allow yourself to mourn the loss of what you two once shared. Just make sure this is time limited. And I know it is hard to see now, but you are 18, there will be MANY relationships for you in the future, you will experience the feelings you had with her again, with someone else. You will look back on it years from now and you will see how far away it seems, and how much you have grown in your relationships. Trust me, I'm 49 so I have 'been around the block' a few times, but I still do remember the intensity of feelings I had when I was in college! Be well.
I'm sorry you're in that situation! Getting over people you love is hard. Like, really hard. And I know this it's super clichéd but time is your friend here. Time and distance. I dated a good friend of mine last summer and when we "broke up" (we were never officially a couple, only went on dates) I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't see how I would ever get over her. I was in love with her. Seeing her all the time because we go to uni together didn't help, especially when she told me she missed me etc. etc. I was finally able to get over her when she told me she wasn't interested in me romantically anymore - that was in January. She then got really busy with her work and since the beginning of the year I've only seen her once. So my advice on getting over this girl is to acknowledge that it's going to take time, and to stay away from her as much as you can (even though it hurts). I have a lot of ideas as to why your ex is behaving the way she is but I don't think it would be particularly helpful to get into that now, because I don't know her and I'd probably be wrong anyway. I can only say that seeing someone you care about getting into really risky behaviour is scary and I understand you're unhappy with that. This is hard because, since you care about her, it would be nice to let her know that you'll be there for her if she needs you (as someone to talk to). On the other hand, you have to take care of yourself, too, and supporting her emotionally while you're trying to get over her might be a bit much. What's important to remember is that she's an adult and she has a right to make her own choices, even if they are bad ones. If she asks for help, do what you can, but if she doesn't, just let her be. Your situation sucks, and you might feel like she's the most wonderful person and the one for you and all that, but you'll get over her. It takes time. (*hug*)
