Hi Everyone, So, basically the only way outlet I've ever had for my sexuality at this point in my life (being completely closed) is porn. I mean, usually it's actually just pictures of guys in their underwear, not totally nude, so is it still porn? Anyway, to be honest, I've jerked off 3-8 times a day for at least the past 8 years. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I've only been caught once, and it was by my mom. It was mortifying, she even asked me if I'd been looking at gay porn. I said "no" of course. Sometimes I feel that this is the only way I can cope with being in the closet. I guess the amount of time I spend with porn has always taken the place of being in a relationship. Do you guys think I have problem, like, an addiction? I'm always really busy with work as well, and I still manage to get all of it done. I kind of thought my libido would have calmed down at this point, but I'm seriously just as horny as I was in high school, if not even more so, because I feel all of my feelings and emotions have been building up inside me all these years. Sometimes i feel like I could just explode. Do you guys think that keeping my sexuality hidden has had a negative effect on my personality? I've just spent my whole life getting all my gay feelings out jerking off while looking at or thinking of guys. It's become such a habit, I don't know how to get out of it. My body just craves it so badly sometimes. It's all I've ever known. Am I irreversibly messed up? It makes me feel like such a creep sometimes. I'm so used to keeping my sexual feelings a secret that I'm afraid I will never feel comfortable openly expressing them at this point.
I mean for starters there is nothing wrong with masturbation. I guess 3-8 times might seem a bit excessive, but for a healthy adult with no other outlet for sexual release I don't think that seems all that crazy to be honest. Your profile says 27 as the age and that's still fairly young so I doubt you've really seen any kind of slow down just yet. I imagine it must be rought having to hide who you are. I had to hide who I was for a very long time. My dad found out pretty early and made my life hell, but he was too worried about his own image to out me to anyone else so I had to deal with his torment while also hiding myself for years which was a very rough period of my life to be honest. So I know that negative feelings swell up when you're stuck in a position like that. I don't believe anyone is irreversibly messed up and you definitely aren't creepy. You'll find that most people on the planet masturbate fairly regularly. Male and female. I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable expressing who you really are, and I hope someday the right situation emerges or you find the courage to be out and open
Being closeted absolutely has a huge negative impact on your psyche. It's hiding a very basic part of who you are, and that takes an enormous toll on your self-esteem and self-worth, and is a constant sign of anxiety. Masturbation is healthy and normal in general. I am, however, a bit concerned in your case because it sounds like part of the motivation behind the masturbation is focused on relieving stress rather than on sexual drive. Additionally, while there's no firm limit to how much is too much, more than 3 or 4 times a day at your age tends to be at the high end of the spectrum. This may be indicating that the masturbation is for you a means of moderating stress and anxiety. If so, that isn't a healthy pattern, and if you're fairly regularly masturbating 8 times a day or more, that is getting toward the compulsive end of the spectrum for most people. You certainly aren't irreversibly messed up. And this is absolutely something you can address. I would suggest that you need to start thinking about the possibility of coming out. And in your case, that's probably also going to require therapy, as you will need to explore the underlying anxiety that's keeping you from coming out, and the use of masturbation to manage the anxiety. One of the first steps is talking about what's going on. What's driving the fear of coming out. And that's something you can start here at EC... though as I said, it may be something you will eventually need to explore in therapy.
Hi alainbeaux, Ive had pretty much the same problem for a long time. So know you're not alone. And i'm sure we are not the only 2. I feel like it has been the only way i have ever been able to express my sexuality. But like chip said, i know a lot of it was a way of relieving stress. Dont have much advice for you, but just to say youre not alone. Would be a good idea to go and talk to someone, maybe even consider the idea of starting to come out. I. Your own time of course!!
