1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Renegades, Apr 16, 2017.

  1. Renegades

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2016
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Denver
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Ok, so this focuses mostly on mental health. Just giving a disclaimer now.

    So, I'm afraid I might have some sort of emotion linked personality disorder. When I was younger, that definitely didn't seem like the case, but now I struggle to care about very important things. I don't think it is depression causing this, though I am almost 100% sure I have that. For example, my dad died when almost 7 years to the day, when I was 9. I cried my heart out the night I received this news. When I moved to a different state the summer before high school, I was devastated in learning that I would have to leave my friends, especially since, with no siblings, I saw them as my sisters. But on my last day there, as my best friend cried in my arms over me leaving, I felt close to nothing. It is a strange almost numb feeling, consisting of no emotion. Close to the beginning of the school year, a friend of mine(in state friend) committed suicide. Upon learning this in class when the teacher announced it, I felt almost no sadness. I could only sit and watch other people cry, wishing I could do the same as them. I did end up bawling all throughout his funeral, and several times when I went to bed at night, but I still felt nearly nothing upon learning of his loss.

    Another thing is that I struggle severely with my grades. Its not that I don't know what the teachers are teaching, though that can be the case in French class, I never do the homework. My mom says I am just being lazy, and I am pretty close to believing her, but part of me feels like something bigger is going on. My mom constantly screams at me for getting bad grades, and says that I will never get into college if I keep this up. Most of the time when she says things like this, I only have one or two missing assignments, which barely affect my grade. She says school is as easy as simply doing my homework, but she won't let me explain that it really isn't. She says all I am doing is making up excuses to cover my own ass. She also says I am faking my queerness, depression, and anxiety to somehow rebel and get out of doing homework. I know this isn't the case, but she refuses to let me defend myself, or at least take me seriously. Please some help here!
     
  2. covert direwolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    There is nothing wrong with you.

    You're depressed, more depressed than you've ever been before. When I reached this stage, I cut and hit and tried to break my own ankle with a rock just to feel something. There comes a point when you're so sad that you can't become any more miserable in that aspect, so you just go numb. It is the worst feeling that I have ever experienced.

    I have always done very well in school, but when this feeling hit me, I stopped everything. I couldn't pay attention, talk to my family, or even be around my closest friends. I just went silent and numb.

    It is beyond difficult to have parents that won't accept who you are. I should know; my mother's like that too. She's either scared for you, or scared for herself. Maybe she was questioning her sexuality once or thought of suicide when she was younger or is now. I am telling you that none of it is made up. There are scientific studies that there are actually changes in your brain when you have a mental disorder, and your sexuality and your gender are about how you feel.

    I may not know you, but I want you to promise me something. A friend of mine made me do this one day, and it helps in the darkest times; it will give you something to stay alive for. I want you to promise me that you are not going to kill yourself. From what I can tell about you, you have had a hard life and that makes you one of the strongest people I've met.

    Hang in there. It will get better, and that is my promise to you. (*hug*)
     
  3. wickedwitch

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2016
    Messages:
    360
    Likes Received:
    78
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi SkyGirl:

    First off, your mother is not doing a particularly good job of coping with what's going on with you and I think you need to take that into account and work to detach from her behaviour.

    There's lots of info on the net about setting boundaries, detaching from other people's behaviour and assertive communication.

    Depression is a real thing and to me (a nonprofessional) you sound depressed. I think it's really important that you seek some help for this through whatever agency might help you. You might want to start with your school guidance counselor and go from there. Depression can and does get better but often only with some sort of intervention. If you need further ideas on where to get counseling, write again.

    Your responses to tragic news don't sound unusual to me, they sound to me as though you were in shock, which is a completely normal thing.

    I don't think you need to worry about a personality disorder unless you've been diagnosed with one. Depression can manifest itself in all kinds of ways and until some action is taken to address it specifically it can seem like lots of other things are wrong when really it's simply depression.

    One of the things that helped my depression the most was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which helped me to challenge my negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones. If you want to get a head start with this there are often books on the subject at the public library.

    Good luck and keep writing if you need to.

    (*hug*)
     
    #3 wickedwitch, Apr 23, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2017