I don't really know where to start but I am at rock bottom and figure I need to stop ignoring and putting things off and try to get to the bottom of who I am. I am sorry in advance for the jumbled essay that is about to ensue, my mind is a mess. I am Female, in my late 20's I feel like I am straight but it's very confusing. I have never been attracted to other women but I have been in a relationship with one ... if that even makes sense. I am attracted to men physically but I currently have a non existent sex drive. I have a number of mental health issues, I figured it was due to my anti-depressants but I have been off them for a year now and still feel nothing. When I was 14, I was in a secret relationship with my female best friend who was older. I was never attracted to her like that and when she kissed me I was extremely angry and I left and was just so confused and angry, but I was in a really bad place, I was getting bullied at school and was extremely depressed and suicidal and she was the only person I could talk to, and I was able to escape home as I basically lived at her house at the time and things progressed, eventually it all felt kind of natural and we were secretly together for 4 years. It was a very toxic relationship, the fact it was a secret from all of our other friends made things very stressful. She went away for a month and I kind of got my own life back and realised the relationship was unhealthy and more of a habit, not that I didn't love her because I did, I still do but things felt different after that. I left and My mental health took a big hit and things were a huge struggle for a while and I had to just cut all contact as I just couldn't deal with it. she has since come out as bi-sexual and had other relationships with females but I don't feel like I am as that has been my only encounter and I am not attracted to females at all but I am still hung up on this relationship. I have been with a few guys in the years since but nothing compares to how safe and happy I felt with her and sex just doesn't feel like it occurs naturally, It's all very awkward. Nothing seems to live up to how I remember things being back then but I am not sure how much of that is because I am now an adult with responsibilities and more mental issues or because I never really got closure. I have PTSD from some things that happened while I was in school, while I was with her so I don't know if this is another thing I am hung up on. I have never been able to admit to anyone, not even my psych about this relationship. I am not sure if I am gay, but I feel that was just a phase (sorry for the cliché) because of my situation at the time and I Just fell into it. I am very masculine, I get asked by kids all the time if I am a boy or a girl which is very upsetting for me. I also get asked out by women a lot which again I find upsetting. All my friends are guys as I find women very difficult to get along with, everything just seems to be too stressful as I get very stressed about little things but I find things much easier conversation-wise with guys. I am very socially awkward, I have huge self esteem issues as well as a panic disorder among other things. Being gay, A-sexual, bi-sexual are all things that have crossed my mind but it's a scary thing for me to think about. I know my family will be accepting of me whatever but I feel like I won't be able to accept myself. I don't want to label myself but I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't really know how to settle my mind. I can't keep letting the past haunt me but I just can't seem to move on. :bang: ---------- Post added 17th Apr 2017 at 09:37 PM ---------- Great start for me - posted in wrong area Sorry
Hello, It is scary questioning your sexuality, but I'll try to help you find some peace of mind about it. I'm going to ask you a series of questions that I think may help you discover your sexuality, but I'd like you to answer them based on how you have felt in the past month up to now. Sexuality is fluid and can change. It doesn't matter what kind of relationships you've had; to bring biology into this, things don't change because it would be better for them to, but at random. Please keep track of the letters that you choose. 1. Do you consider others "hot?" a. Men only. b. Women only. c. Yes, regardless of gender. d. Only people I've known for a while. e. No. 2. Do you have any desire to have sex? a. Yes, with men only. b. Yes, with women only. c. Yes, regardless of gender. d. Only with people that I know closely. e. No. 3. Do you have any desire to kiss someone? a. Yes, men only. b. Yes, women only. c. Yes, regardless of gender. d. Only people that I've been friends with for a while. e. No. 4. Is sex a necessity in a life-long relationship for you? a. Yes, with a man. b. Yes, with a woman. c. Yes, regardless of gender. d. Yes, with a person that I am closely bonded with. e. No. 5. Is there something in a person's appearance that makes you attracted to them? a. Yes, on men only. b. Yes, on women only. c. Yes, on anyone regardless of gender. d. Yes, on my friends. e. No. 6. Do you find yourself checking people out even if you're not doing it intentionally? a. Yes, only men. b. Yes, only women. c. Yes, regardless of gender. d. Yes, my close friends. e. No. If you answered A to most or all of these questions, you're most likely straight. If you answered B to most or all of these questions, you're most likely a lesbian. If you answered C to most or all of these questions, you're most likely pansexual or bisexual. If you answered D to most or all of these questions, you're most likely demisexual. This means that you are most likely attracted to friends of yours. This can be same gender attraction, opposite gender attraction, or a mix. If you answered E to most or all of these questions, you're most likely asexual. This does not mean that you do not want a romantic relationship, however. Your romantic orientation is the type of person you would like to have a purely romantic, not sexual relationship with. (examples: panromantic, homoromantic, etc.) I hope this helped you. Remember, the only person that gets to feel what you feel is yourself. You can identify how you want to identify, no matter what anyone else says.
Hi, Thank you for your response. I didn't realise that sexuality was fluid and could change, I guess I am just hung up on the fact that I have been with a girl and so there must be something in me, but the situation was complicated. I have answered equally A's and E's so I figure I am indeed straight but not interested in sex. I am a bit of a prude and it's just uncomfortable for me but I think if I were to get into a trusting relationship again it could come naturally like it did before, but I can only imagine this at the moment with a guy. 1. A 2. E 3. E 4. E 5. A 6. A I think maybe I just have to accept what's happened in the past and move on without this feeling of me harbouring a massive secret. Thank you again for your informative response, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders already just by telling my 'secret' but I still worry about people finding out.
