I don't really know...

So, I've been really down lately for a slew of reasons and I've really slipped back into my old depressed habits. In other words, I've become depressed again and I don't really know how to face it.

Last time I spent a long time fighting to create a strong support network to fight and pull me out of the depths I had fallen into, but I've moved since then and the network has collapsed from my absence and others moving too. Now, I feel lost and afraid to burden anyone with my issues.

I've tried talking to some of my new friends, but I can't quite seem to convey just how bad things really have gotten for me; maybe it's because I don't want to admit I have issues, I don't want to make them carry the weight of my issues, or maybe because a couple of them are involved in my problems (though I know for a fact none of them mean any harm). It's probably more or less a mix of all three.

Regardless, I'm finding it very hard to create a good standing support network so I have nowhere to fall back to. The school I'm attending has a counselor, but I have always found the idea of facing a counselor much more intimidating than talking to my friends and I have never met this counselor as the school has changed who handles student counseling, making it even more frightening. Also, I don't want anyone to see me going down to talk to her; once again, I really don't want to show that I have me weaknesses. I've always prided myself on being the happy and go-getting person in my friends for year and years now so the past few years where I have been struggling with depression have been immensely difficult because I don't find myself to be that person anymore.

It's gotten to the point where I can't stand to look myself in the mirror anymore, I've lost most or all interest in much of anything, and I've started self-harming again. I asked a friend to hang onto my knife because I know I don't have the self-discipline to avoid cutting. He asked why and I just told him I'd rather this be a no questions asked scenario because he already knows I've been struggling lately. That, and due to other circumstances, I'm really afraid to talk to him anymore. I asked him to do it because I think he is the least likely to go to anyone with concerns; I think he thinks I can handle myself, even thought it's quite the opposite.

I find myself just sitting and staring at the wall anymore. No one really comes or goes, no one asks if I want to go to lunch or dinner, no one wants to hang out, and sure I'm upset, but I don't really have the energy to change that. I'm more content with staring at the wall while my friends grow away from me than I am actually getting help anymore and that's a bit scary.

The whole emitting details thing is exactly what it feels like I'm doing now. It would almost be easier for me to just attach my journal I've been keeping; that's about the only place I feel like I really let myself go.

I'm just not sure what to do right now, and I was wondering what you guys thought.

 

Well, the only real issue with that is the fact the I live in a dormitory and the counselor is located in the building; also, there isn't a very definite sense of when school starts as all of the students are on a college schedule (it is high school though, just a different breed).

 

I imagine that the college campus has one, but the high school that I attend doesn't have a psychologist (the school is on a campus, and it's very tied into the university). I don't really know if we would be allowed to visit the campus psychologist or not. I know that we visit their medical services if we have health issues, but I don't know if that carries over to mental health and I imagine I'd have to have a recommendation from the counselor. I know we have to be referred by the nurse for physical health issues.