For several years, I've struggled with depression and anxiety. Lately, I've been feeling very empty and detached from the rest of the world. I'm too afraid to actually reach out to the gay world to help me (except here) because of anxiety and very likely unresolved feelings of shame and disappointment. It's starting to really get to me and I worry that I'll never get out of this funk. I also don't know what to do career-wise or basically anything else in my life. I don't know what I like or what I really want to do. Life itself just seems too overwhelming right now and it makes me feel so hopeless, and sometimes suicidal. Even trying to maintain friendships feels too exhausting. Will it ever get better for me? Has anyone ever been through this and gotten through it? :help:
You probably know this (obviously) but it's definitely depression. Are you seeing a therapist/on medication for the depression and anxiety? I know there are antidepressants that are also anti-anxiety meds all in one. I also have anxiety (specifically social anxiety) and I'm bipolar, and I was on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds (one pill) and it's helped me a lot. It lifted my mood and lessened or at least bettered my anxiety. I'm not on it anymore though, and I can feel my mood dropping again. I am on mood stabilizers that I have to take morning and night but they don't seem to be as effective. The anti-depressants sent me into mania and that's not fun either. All I want is to be normal for once. But seeing as you only have depression to worry about, maybe you should look into getting professional help and get on medication (If you're not already). Even though things seem bad at the moment, it does get better eventually. You just have to keep fighting the suicidal thoughts and try to distract yourself from what's going on in your mind and life. If you need to vent, there is always someone listening (reading) and there is always someone who can relate in one way or another. I see you're a regular member, so you can't PM me, but feel free to write on my wall (Just remember that everyone who visits my profile page, can see it). If you need to talk to someone privately, try sending the EC staff members a message. You can post a message for them in Ask The Staff. Only you and the staff members can see what you post there, in case you need to post a more personal message, or require assistance from a more experienced person. Just remember that none of us here are doctors, psychiatrists or anything of the sorts, but there's always someone with more experience in dealing with these things than the rest of us, who will be able to help you and guide you to a better self I hope you can get out of your dark place soon, and see the good in the world again
Hey Ruby Dragon, Thanks for the advice, as well as the link for staff support! I've been trying to look for that link. As far as medication and therapy goes, well I did see a therapist today so it was just a "getting to know you" session. Hopefully it will work out. I've been on various anti-depressants for the last 2 1/2 years and I'm still trying to find the right combo. They all just make me feel lazy. :dry: Anyway, thanks for your help! Any other advice is well appreciated too. :icon_bigg
Hey OldSoul, I have to say that you describe internalized homophobia quite well. Sure you are depressed and you are being treated for depression, but it sounds to me like your therapist might not have gotten to the bottom of why that depression is occurring in the first place. Perhaps I am wrong, of course. Or, perhaps, your current therapist is treating your symptoms without getting to the root cause(s) of your depression. In reality (in my non-professional opinion), you should only be treated for real depression symptoms until you have resolved the deep-seated issues that are causing your depression in the first place. After which you shouldn't need any mood-altering drugs to deal with your life and your reality. Again, and only IMO, much of your current dilemma is centered on your depression and the drugs you are taking. (I'm NOT even slightly suggesting that you should stop taking your anti-depression meds, just saying that you might want to press your therapist/doctor to explain how you can come off of those meds or, if they say that you can't, perhaps finding new experts to try to help you.)
Re: Why am I like this Shame and disappointment I get, but you should be feeling underwhelmed by life not overwhelmed. That is to say, life should suck because it disappoints you, not because it consumes you. Something is wrong here and if I were you I would not trust it to just "get better" on its own. I think you need to accept some help to guide you through this difficult time. No one deserves to suffer what you are going through, that much is clear. You are innocent and all of this is not your fault. Researching your past for a cause would probably take a very long time to unwind and even if you did figure it all out, it probably wouldn't help you all that much. As my grandfather used to say, it is what it is. So own this. If you have people to help you through this, that would help a lot, but if you are all you have, it's okay too, You are all you need. Loving yourself... It truly is the greatest love of all.
Hey Quantumreality, Today was my first appointment with the therapist. Tbh, I'm the worst at opening up to people, so if this doesn't go well, it will be my fault. I just freeze up and feel so anxious when talking about my sexuality. It's as if I'm going backwards in regards to acceptance. This frustrates me to no end because I used to think that by now I would feel the complete opposite. In real life I don't have anybody that I feel I could trust to talk to, so I feel very lonely. :icon_sad: This leads to the pessimistic thoughts that my life will never get better... ---------- Post added 25th Apr 2017 at 11:37 PM ---------- Thanks for the advice, Monraffe. I guess you're right that I should be feeling underwhelmed, but I said overwhelmed because there's so much I'm dealing with in my head that it feels overwhelming.
Hey Old Soul, Ultimately, you just have to be who you really are. Why do you even care, in the longrun, what anyone else thinks? You can't change who your are so be proud of who you are and own it! Especially if you start by opening up to a therapist who is sworn to confidentiality! I do agree with you completely that it is very important for you have someone that you can open up to and 'just be you' in real life. Don't you have at least one close friend or family member that you can open up to?
Owning who I am is easier said than done. At the end of the day, I'm too afraid to open up to others. I don't have anyone to turn to :icon_sad:
Old soul, given your anxieties about opening up, be sure to allow yourself the freedom to meet with multiple therapists. Chemistry between a therapist and a patient is critical. The more comfort you have with a therapist as a person, the easier you may find you can open up.
This is definitely true. I hope I won't have to go through too many before I find the right chemistry.
It took me quiet a few over a period of time before I finally found one that I clicked with. Have patience.
