Hey Empty Closets, it's been a while. It was the day of my last A2 Level exam, the start of a summers worth of freedom. Of complete irresponsibility. For the first time in a long time I could truly relax with the only worry being if I would get into my first choice university. That summer was the best of my life and the icing on the cake was achieving my dream on results day, I had gotten into university. I was wholly optimistic. I had big aspirations. I imagined the future; my success, the friends I would make, the experiences I would go through. Fast forward 8 months. I've made incredible friends and a name for myself here. My aspirations are gone. My drive apparently none existent. I study Chemistry at one of the best universities in the UK. I loved the subject at A2 Level. Now I'm not so sure. It's hard for me to put into words how I am feeling, but I haven't being happy since that summer. I'm known as a joker, I can make a room full of people laugh, but I am hurting. Bad. Maths is something I have lacked a credible intuition for for the majority of my post-primary school life. I never imagined how tough it would get here. Staying on top of the crushing amount of work was a fool's dream. I steadily became more and more depressed. My depression causing ceaseless procrastination and the whole time I knew exactly the consequences of my actions. The more I procrastinated the worse my depression got and the mountain of work grew ever larger unsurprisingly resulting in my mental health deteriorating further. Over the Easter break I began to substance abuse for the first time in my life in order to escape the pain I was causing myself. I could have turned this year around during those 4 weeks off and yet I had no motivation to do so. I've tried speaking to people but they just don't seem to grasp what's going on in my head. I am trapped in my own head-space unable to convey properly how I am feeling, even now as I type this. All passion for a subject so fundamental has vanished entirely. I feel I have become disillusioned with life and it's importance. I hope I do not come across as some edgy teen crying for attention, but the more I think about life the more meaningless it becomes. In such a vast universe what are we? What even are my problems? Pointless. So now I don't know what to do. My final exams are rapidly approaching and the time I have to ascend that mountain of work is running out. I don't have the mental strength to do it. My entire life led up to me getting into university, and now I'm here I don't want to be. I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm tired of being tired. Of missing my lectures because I can't get out of bed anymore. I sleep so much and yet it never seems to be enough. I long for the bliss that sleep brings and the worlds I can live in even if for a few hours. In the UK, so long as you get more than 40% and pass all your modules you can progress to second year. I haven't done enough work for 40% and I've ruined my future. What that means I don't know. And I don't want to be around to find out.
Hey take a deep breath. It can be tough sometimes when the thing we have been working for as long as we can remember doesn't live up to what we had imagined it can be. You say you have tried to talk to people, do you mean friends or have you spoken to any professionals? My first advice would be to try and make an appointment with either your tutor or student services. I can promise you you are not the first only or last person going through a similar thing. First and foremost you have to get your head in a better place, only then can you decide whether you want to continue your studies etc.
Hi Sion: You need to see a physician or a mental health professional immediately. You are suffering from the illness of depression and without treatment it's not getting better it's getting worse. There are probably two places on campus where you can go: 1. Counseling Services (usually part of Student Services or whatever it's called at your school) or 2. Health Services where there are physicians. You need to tell them exactly what you wrote here and they can assess you and recommend what they feel are the best treatment options. It's important too that you stop abusing whatever substances you've been using - self-medicating depression doesn't work and usually makes things worse. Once you've been assessed the professional can write a note to the dean (or whatever they're called where you are) and have your exams/assignments deferred for medical reasons. When your depression lifts you'll be in a much better position to evaluate whether you're in the appropriate program and to finish it if you choose to do so. Depression tends to interfere with creative problem-solving so it's important that you are patient with yourself about getting better, but with treatment there's a good chance that you can resume where you left off and finish your year; at that time if you feel it's a good idea you can change programs or schools. I was clinically depressed by the time I was 17; I refused treatment for two years and by the time I was treated I was unable to function in any way and had made all kinds of daft decisions that affected my life for a long time after that, on top of all the needless suffering I went through. Once again, I urge you to seek treatment without delay. (*hug*)
While I agree to getting a therapist who is good and uplifting(there are tons out there who make you feel bogged down or negative), I also completely understand what you're going through. I'm going through the same thing with my career that I've been involved with one way or another throughout my life. Big fish, little pond, vice versa plays a big part in it, I think. And, for some reason, the closer I am to my goal or the higher step I take towards it, the more nervous and paralyzed I am. I have no clue why it happens, or if it means anything about whether one's cut out for it or not, it might just be something that simply happens. I'm sorry, I wish I could be more helpful, but in this case, it really might be just overwhelmed the closer one gets to something he or she has worked vigorously toward.
