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Are These Thoughts Wrong?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by alainbeaux, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. alainbeaux

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Maine
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey Everyone,

    So, I've been having seem disturbing thoughts lately, at least I've been disturbed by them. I've been getting turned on by thoughts of raping men I find attractive. But like, I don't fantasize about getting violent with them, like tying them up and hitting them. Mainly I've been fantasizing about having sex with straight guys I find attractive. Frankly, one of the big frustrations of my life has been my continual crushes on straight guys. They also make me so angry sometimes because they're so confident in expressing their sexuality and I have never been. Sometimes I just want to punish them for making me feel like this. I mean, you don't have to be concerned about me ever actually going out and doing anything like these fantasies. That's not what's concerning me. I'm an extremely kind and thoughtful person and I would never harm anyone. It's just the realization that truthfully, deep down inside, there's some part of me that has always been turned on by a gay guy raping an attractive straight guy. Actually, quite disturbingly, one of the major things that caused me t realize I was gay was when i was a freshman in high school and I read a scene in a book I was reading in which the protagonist raped the young boy who was the secret object of his desire. I'd never been exposed to a situation of any kind where two men engaged in sex and I found the material arousing.

    Anyway, I'm really worried - am I sick or something? Have you guys ever had feelings like this? I'm not sure if these are just things some people think about sometimes but with no consideration of actually doing anything like it in real life. in a way, that's what makes it so sweet - my fantasies exist in another world where remorse and consequences don't exist. I could never live with myself if I hurt anyone, and yet I'm extremely aroused by these fantasies that involve me basically raping the straight guys I see every day. I think some this may be rooted in my frustration over how long I've spent in the closet. Sometimes I feel like a freakin sexual predator because I see all these attractive guys around me everyday and eye them like a hawk without getting caught usually, and I just keep all my romantic and sexual thoughts to myself as I have my whole life.

    So... do you guys think I'm alright or have I scared you away. You can be honest, I really want to know from you guys because I could never admit this stuff in real life.
     
  2. smurf

    Regular Member

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    Most rape fantasies, as gross as they make us feel, stem from power play. Rape scenes are just the way your brain is trying to cope with the feeling that you are powerless in this type of situation. Sadly, it can come up in these type of scenarios.

    So yes, these fantasies stem from that frustration that you are feeling. You aren't this sicko, so take deep breaths.

    With all that being said, if you want to get rid of those urges or those fantasies, then you have to come up with a way for your brain to better deal with the frustration that you are dealing. Its time to work on the anger, the internalized homophobia, and everything else that is making you feel this way.
     
  3. wickedwitch

    Regular Member

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    Hi alainbeaux:

    Thoughts are just thoughts really, neither good nor bad, it's the effect on us that we need to take into consideration and you say that these are disturbing you, so trying some things in an effort to deal with them sounds like a good idea.

    Some ideas off the top of my head:

    I think perhaps the first thing you might want to try are exercises in self-compassion.

    Self-compassion is treating yourself psychologically the same way you would treat a friend in the same situation - forgiving yourself, treating yourself with kindness, and letting go of criticizing and judging yourself.

    You sound rather harsh in the way that you think about yourself but none of the things you have described are unique to you - everyone's fantasy life ignores consequences, everyone gets crushes on people who aren't available to them for whatever reason, and a lot of men's sexual fantasies have violence in them; so, so far, you're just average and I don't see any reason to be worried:slight_smile:. You can google "self-compassion" for more info on how to put this into practice.

    Do you have queer people that you socialize with or are part of your support system? Being able to vent with a friend can take the power out of what feels like some disturbing stuff because it often loses it's oomph when it's no longer a secret. Writing here is a good idea too but I'd encourage you to seek out some "queer peers" in real life as well.

    I just read something, somewhere about getting rid of disturbing thoughts so there are methods to do this - try googling it and see what you come up with.

    Lastly, intense self-criticism can be a symptom of depression; it might be a good idea to look up depression and see if you have any other symptoms. If you do, it would be a good idea to see a mental health professional to be assessed as depression can sometimes snowball quite quickly into a major problem. Depression is very treatable and there's no point in suffering needlessly.

    I hope something here is helpful to you and that you will keep writing if you find it helps.

    (*hug*)
     
    #3 wickedwitch, Apr 30, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2017