I actually posted a happy thread a little while ago but I've had some people who I guess didn't really want to see me happy. And by "some people" I think I really only mean my mom but it's 11:30PM and I'm not thinking too straight. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this before but I feel like I've been pushed and pushed to the point where I just give up. It's a point where every little thing could make me cry and it's weird but I feel like the normal rules of the universe don't apply to me anymore. For example, I used to worry about getting up early so I could get to school on time but now I just think, "Who cares if I'm late? It doesn't even matter anymore. I hope I get expelled." And what's more, I want people to hate me, I want to push all my friends away so I can be truly alone. I feel like I'm going to drag them down and they're really better off without me, even if they can't see it. Plus, the pain of knowing I made them leave is like this emotional self-harm. On Friday it was the worst because I wouldn't sit with them, I just wanted to cry and be alone. When they tried to come over and sit with me, I wouldn't talk. I have a friend who is a little delayed developmentally. I think it's from having a very sheltered and strict upbringing as well as ASD (high-functioning), ADHD. Even though he doesn't exactly understand what's wrong with me, he understands that something is wrong and he always tries to make me feel better. I feel the worst about ignoring him. Because he was trying to get me to smile and I wouldn't even look at him. I didn't want to smile, I wanted people to know there was something wrong. I have to pretend all the time and I felt like I couldn't do it anymore...and I feel like a horrible person, I probably am a horrible person but I tell myself to burn all bridges now because once I graduate, I'll find somewhere better and I can't hold on to the past. I'll find a place where I fit in and I'll be happy and basically, I'll have a completely fresh start. I mean, once I fully come out, most of these people probably won't even want to be my friend but I'll find someplace where I'm accepted for who I am. Well, I tell myself. I don't really believe places like that exist but if I start talking like that, I feel suicidal. So, I have to lie. I guess I get so sick of trying to make friends at school, it's become the opposite where I just want them to think I'm a freak, I want them to reject me and get it over with. I've already spoken about wanting to do drag and my mother wasn't very happy. I said that I wanted to go out to clubs dressed like that when I was older and she scoffed and said, "You're gonna get murdered looking like that, people will think you're a bloke." She said that no one would ever want to date me. That I should just leave drag to the biological boys because I was stealing it from them and I wasn't real. Whatever. She didn't help at all, I already have a fear of being a victim of a hate crime and of dying alone. I don't get why she has to ruin everything for me, just when I'm starting to feel better. I was feeling optimistic about my future and now I'm afraid of being beaten or killed. It's like she doesn't want me to be happy. I told her to just kill me or kick me out of the house if she really didn't want me. She just yells all the time and I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, most of the time I'm just trying to talk. Then I get frustrated and shout back, she says I'm the meanest person she knows and that she's getting me tested for ODD. I don't even care. I want to get tested, I don't want her to like me. I want her to give up on me because I'm not able to be helped. I even faked sick on Thursday but I knew she'd know it was fake and she'd hate me. I think really, this is about self-harm. The emotional hurts worse than the physical and it's a lot longer-lasting too. Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like? I'm making sense, right? Even if I'm not making sense, I feel like I don't have the emotional strength to be worried...
This is so much like something I would have written a couple years ago. Colin I know it hurts. And right now it may seem that you're better off alone, where you can't hurt anyone, yeah? Truth is, you're stronger when you're with people. When I was your age I had no friends, not because I was a despicable person (like I told myself) but because I intentionally distanced myself from people. I would be arrogant and apathetic if it made them leave me. But honestly I was in so much pain, to the point that I lost the ability to feel anything at all. I remember just being in my room, staring at a wall. I'd lie awake at night and just cry for hours. I thought about getting myself run over. But in the end I was too tired to do even that. I say this to tell you that other people have gone through similar things that you are going through now. It may not be the most comforting thought when your life seems to be going to hell around you, but the comfort isn't in that. It is in the hope. If I made it, and others made it, you can too. You are not alone. It gets better. There are people who love you and will support you and who understand. Learning to love yourself is hard. I know. I've been there. But you have to start somewhere. You aren't worthless and your future isn't shot. There's always hope if you just keep fighting. One inch at a time and I swear the sun will rise again. I'm here for you brother.
Having read what your feeling and what your going through mentally, I feel I have felt the same way. I've felt the defeat that I really brought on myself. I went to a small school in the country side my grade had 60 kids and I felt I was the only gay kid. I didn't know any others like me so I felt isolated never knew what to feel or go about anything so I would constantly put myself down. I got to a really low point where I didn't care about anything at all. I would go to school and just be there that's it and when I started driving to school I thought I could easily crash and die and it would be over but I never did. I started pushing all my friend away because I felt they didn't like me and wanted nothing to do with me so I figured I'd push them away before they could leave me. It was a dark time for me for a while but I kept going. I found this site and figured I could vent to people like me and it helped. I would post here and there, mostly in anonymous but I would sometimes post and pour my soul of to hopefully find some one with advice or just to say something to help and I'd feel better. But sometimes like one or two people would comment and that's it and I'd feel crushed, but I figured all the people that took the time to read what I had to say cared. So I just kept going day by day. I had thought when I get older I could move away to a place where I'm not alone and be happy, it's a great thing to think because it's true. Just because the world seems dark now doesn't mean it always will be. As you get older you realize what you thought were big things like being gay for me or you wanting to be in drag and just being yourself, they're little things, when I told my friends I was gay I thought they would hate me, but they where like oh that's cool and everything was the same. The world can be scary but for the most part it's a breeze. There are people that don't understand different but they are just not important. So what I'm trying to say after making you read this book I wrote here is I know your in a dark place but just remember to always follow the light, you may get put down but don't stay down pick yourself up and say there's always tomorrow. People will surprise you in life so don't live in fear just be yourself and remember your not alone and don't have to be.
