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advice on inferior complex

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by steve90, May 2, 2017.

  1. steve90

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    My name is Steve. I am a 27 year old gay guy from Scotland and I want to overcome this inferior complex I have for certain straight guys, especially to guys in groups i see when in public.

    I am usually attracted to younger guys 19-26, however I feel i do not match up. I feel people can tell I don't match up, that am not masculine, that they know i am gay. I hate having these feelings about myself. But how do I get over this?

    The absolute worst times are when am out in public and attracted to certain guys but am scared to look at them incase they see me looking at them and they get mad or laugh at me. I feel worthless! I am attracted to guys, usually only straight guys who I can't even look at without fear of being ridiculed or found out. But it's unhealthy to not allow your self to be attracted to people, which is affecting my mental health.

    My main point is what advice would you give me? I don't want to be scared to stare at people am attracted to, I don't want to feel worthless around groups of guys. I just want to be myself, but I am not sure what that is though. I need to find a starting point to move my life in a positive direction. I am not getting any younger and don't want to end up alone. I want to live life.Your advice would be very much appreciated.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Steve,

    Welcome to EC! I think you will find EC is a safe place for you to discuss and think about your personal journey.

    It sounds like you are facing low self esteem and self worth. Often, such emotions are brought on by Shame and Internalized Homophobia which we develop being gay in an overall heterosexual society. These emotions are powerful and, left unaddressed, can cause the emotions you are experiencing.

    The good news is, if you confront the shame and internalized homophobia, you can work through it. You can rebuild your self esteem, self worth, confidence and learn to love yourself! I am a firm believer in this, because I have been working through it and doing just that.

    There are several key concepts that you want to think about along your journey: Vulnerability, Closure and Simply Letting go.

    Making ourselves vulnerable helps to improve our self esteem, self worth, confidence and allows each of us to learn to love ourselves. You make yourself vulnerable by opening yourself up to others, taking risks and exposing yourself. When you do this, you either see that you received positive reinforcement from those you have made yourself vulnerable to or you realize even if the response was unfavorable your no worse off. Either way, the impact of being vulnerable is increased self esteem, self worth and confidence.

    Closure enables us to take a traumatic emotional event that we may have been impacted by and move on from such trauma, having found a way to put the trauma behind us. Closure is important to find in order to get rid of a lot of negativity. Think through what you percieve to have impacted you in life, and then find a way to move on from sucb events. Whether you can move on by talking to others, by talking to those whom have hurt you directly, or by reading about such trauma and relating to how others have dealt with it, just to name a few approaches to closure.

    Letting go, unlike vulnerability and closure, reflects an ability to simply stop concerning ourselves with that which we can not control. For me, I learned to let go after my journey working on vulnerability and closure, as I built my confidence and self esteem.

    You can do a search on EC for Shame and Internalized Homophobia and read about others whom have confronted them. As well, there is a lot of discussion on Vulnerability and closure just the same.

    Final word for this reply at least, consider reading the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, which address these emotions and reflects steps on how to work through them. As well, consider joining some LGBT social groups or other organizations where you can meet other LGBT. And, if your open to it, maybe work with an LGBT trained therapist who can help guide you in the right direction (or working with therapy groups which can accomplish similar results).

    You can learn to love yourself, build self esteem, self worth and confidence. Your asking the right question, now it's time for you to find the answers for yourself!
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, May 3, 2017
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  3. steve90

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    Thank you On the Highway for your advice. I will look into the concepts you suggested and read the book you suggested.


    I struggle with angry and bitterness too, especially towards my family. I came out to my mum 6 years ago, via text as I was nervous. However when I saw her she wasn't angry or sad or happy, she acted like I had just been to the dentist. She said it may be a phase. The reason I am angry especially towards her is since I was 14 she has never once asked are you OK? Something on your mind? Had she I would have told her its not ok. She always says I have a attitude problem which is true but never asks why. Even when I had OCD at 16 she said it was attention seeking and was embarrassed going to the doctor with me. I wouldn't mind if she was angry that I was gay, but it's the fact she doesn't seem to care full stop about me. She has always been supportive financially and materially, but never emotionally, which is the same with my father. I really hate her and society at large for making me like this.

    I would have killed myself long ago just to make my family and society suffer, like I have all these years but I wouldn't be there to see their suffering .

    How do I let go of this angry, especially to family and some friends. The people I have pushed away or have distanced myself from. They probably just assume I have angry or mental issues. In my family I am only out to my mum. I plan on moving abroad in a few months time, but I don't want to be like this wherever I go. Sorry for the rant I am just angry, bitter tired of all this. When I go abroad I thought about writing a letter to all those I have pushed away and the reason I have behaved the way I do. Would that be a good idea. I want people to know I have suffered and that is the reason the way I have been.
     
    #3 steve90, May 3, 2017
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  4. OnTheHighway

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    Let go of the anger by following the path I described above, your anger is directly related to the shame you feel.

    As a perfect example, the anger you feel towards your mom requires that you find closure with the lack of emotional support you feel. Well, consider making yourself vulnerable and go talk to her about it. Bring it up. Explain How you do not understand her unsympathetic approach towards you. Confront her and see how she reacts and responds.

    This one instance may not eliminate the anger completely, but it may allow you to begin to heal.

    At the same time, you may find so many of your frustrations stem from your perspective of how she treated you. And if you find closure and can let go, you might see improvements in other parts of how you feel, react and respond to things.

    Vulnerability is powerful. For me, once I started, I needed to continue. Similar to the one traumatic situation with your mother, I developed sort of a critical path of all the traumatic events in my life. And one by one I sought out ways to find closure enabling myself to move on from them.

    Each time I did, a bit more of weight seemed to lift from my shoulders. And as they did, I sensed increased confidence, self esteem and self worth.

    Learn to love yourself. It's within your power to do so.
     
    #4 OnTheHighway, May 4, 2017
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  5. PatrickUK

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    Some good advice already and I would agree about reading The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. May I also suggest another title? 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives, by Joe Kort. Many of the issues you are talking about in this thread are covered in both books.

    You might also wish to consider counselling, ideally with someone who is well experienced in LGBT issues. It will not be a stroll in the park and you may find it tough as you confront some issues, but if you stick with it you can (and should) make good progress with some of these issues. If you would like a link to counselling services in the UK, click on my profile and send me a private message.
     
  6. steve90

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    Hi OnTheHighway and PatrickUK, just want to thank you both for your advice and to say I have ordered the books The Velvet Rage and 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives. Even the thought of my father or sisters seeing the books had originally got my defence up, but I am going to take a chance, part of me wants them to find the books and ask why I have them. I am tired of taking no risks.

    I have one more final question. Sometimes I feel I do not only fit in with straight friends, but some gay friends or people I know i also struggle to fully fit in. Is this normal?

    What I am trying to say is I don't enjoy going to clubs with straight friends, but equally I do not enjoy gay clubs either. I am not a club person, which a lot of people my age are. I sometimes wonder if this puts me at disadvantage socially.

    As much as i enjoy hanging with friends, i also like to spend a lot of time by myself. I guess we are all different and there is no point forcing yourself to be certain way.

    Anyway I look forward to opening myself to more people and allowing myself to feel vulnerable and taking a chance with people, without second guessing them or situations.


    Thank you again
     
    #6 steve90, May 4, 2017
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  7. PatrickUK

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    It's true that you shouldn't force yourself to be a certain way and if you are happy and content being the way you are, that's fine. We can't all enjoy the same things and it would be a very boring and one dimensional world, if we did.

    It sounds like you have tried clubbing, but didn't enjoy it, but may I ask why? Is it simply because you didn't like the music and atmosphere, or is it because it felt awkward and made you anxious? If it's simply a case of lacking enjoyment, then so be it, but if awkwardness and anxiety are factors you might want to address this.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone sometimes, because we all need time to relax, unwind and collect our thoughts, but it's important to recognise the difference between desiring time alone and feeling lonely. Do you ever feel lonely?

    I'm pleased you have ordered both books. If you read them carefully and use them to positive effect you can take steps forward. Doesn't mean it will be easy, but we are here if you need support along the way.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    I think if you focus on your own confidence and self esteem, as you build your confidence and self esteem you may very well find a change in attitude towards going to clubs. But going to clubs is the preverbial tail wagging the dog. So don't let that be the primary focus.

    YoU have plenty of time for clubs, age is not a factor. So take your time.
     
  9. steve90

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    Hi, it's me again, am looking for some advice on how am feeling.
    Right now am at a stage where am ready to be more open with other people about myself, should they ask. But I have other issues which I will discuss as follows

    I sort of feel bitter towards society at large for making me feel the way I do. At 27 I have know I was gay since I was 15, but I suppressed it. The suppression has led to depression for me for many years. This depression led to me failing my exams dropping my driving lessons etc. I managed to resit and eventually go to university and I graduated last year. It's just I can't help but feel envy to people I know such as a female cousin who is only 18, who has passed her driving test and has a boyfriend. I feel embrassed and shame for still not being able to drive or had the opportunity to express my feelings for the same sex . But I look to my cousin a straight female to how easy she has had it and I feel inadequate.

    At 27 and having had no relationship with a guy I feel my life is over and my youth is over, but here's the thing. I am still very attracted to guys who are 18 to 25, more so than guys my age. Again is that normal or abnormal?? I look younger than I am but at 27 my friends are settling down with careers and buying houses. I am not ready for that, I feel 22 and am supposed to be volunteering abroad for a year, which I am looking forward to. But at 27 I can't help people feel or think I should get a proper job now and stop this travelling.
    So my main worries and questions should I get a "proper" job and forget all about volunteering and travelling. My second problem is am attracted to guys 18 to 25 and at 27 I fell old. I also feel like I have wasted a huge part of my life.

    I want to feel free and and happy. I still need to find my self. Any advice to the many questions I have would be much appreciated.
     
  10. steve90

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    Hi, it's me again, am looking for some advice on how am feeling.
    Right now am at a stage where am ready to be more open with other people about myself, should they ask. But I have other issues which I will discuss as follows

    I sort of feel bitter towards society at large for making me feel the way I do. At 27 I have know I was gay since I was 15, but I suppressed it. The suppression has led to depression for me for many years. This depression led to me failing my exams dropping my driving lessons etc. I managed to resit and eventually go to university and I graduated last year. It's just I can't help but feel envy to people I know such as a female cousin who is only 18, who has passed her driving test and has a boyfriend. I feel embrassed and shame for still not being able to drive or had the opportunity to express my feelings for the same sex . But I look to my cousin a straight female to how easy she has had it and I feel inadequate.

    At 27 and having had no relationship with a guy I feel my life is over and my youth is over, but here's the thing. I am still very attracted to guys who are 18 to 25, more so than guys my age. Again is that normal or abnormal?? I look younger than I am but at 27 my friends are settling down with careers and buying houses. I am not ready for that, I feel 22 and am supposed to be volunteering abroad for a year, which I am looking forward to. But at 27 I can't help people feel or think I should get a proper job now and stop this travelling.
    So my main worries and questions should I get a "proper" job and forget all about volunteering and travelling. My second problem is am attracted to guys 18 to 25 and at 27 I fell old. I also feel like I have wasted a huge part of my life.

    I want to feel free and and happy. I still need to find my self. Any advice to the many questions I have would be much appreciated.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    As you progress on your journey and build self esteem and confidence, there is something else you need to do: Learn to forgive!

    You will need to forgive both yourself as well as forgive others. Once you find a place in your heart, and your mind, to be able to forgive, you will lift another layer of shame.

    It may take some time, but as you work through shame and internalized homophobia, as you make yourself vulnerable as you learn to love yourself, you can also learn to forgive.

    As far as you life is concerned, at 27, you have a LONG WAY TO GO!!!!!

    You have not missed out on anything at this point, and you can still experience everything that any other adolescent would otherwise experience - but do so with more maturity, life experience and knowledge. For me, I called this the 2nd Adolescence after embracing my sexuality.

    I revisited my adolescence. I physically explored my sexuality, I went to bars and clubs, I develop a group of gay friends that I became close with just as I had straight friends during my first adolescence. But the big difference was being able to stay a bit above the fray and not make many of the mistakes that typical adolescence make.

    You can read a bunch of threads on peoples experience with a second adolescence in the later in life section. Do a search and you will see a bunch come up.

    As far as the age difference with the type of guys your attracted to, I would not be overly concerned with the age gap so long as you are considerate. If you looking to get into a long term relationship with someone, it would be better if you do so with someone that has more life experience and is better able to relate to you (where others have suggested this would be in the mid to late 20's), but for exploring your sexuality, just be sure not to create any emotional traumas for younger guys you might meet.

    What you may find with younger guys is their own need to find father figures, and look for other guys to be such a father figure. They may have their own emotional maturity issues to contend with as a result.

    Dan Savage has commented on this in one of his podcasts where he has a so called campfire rule. The rule is not to leave someone in any worse emotional state than how you found him. This is a good rule to apply.

    As for yourself, you had previously limited your own emotional development prior to embracing your sexuality and are now starting to openly explore your sexuality. As you do this, you will need time for your emotional maturity to catch up with your physical maturity. This may be why you see yourself attracted to younger guys than you are. What you may find as you progress on your journey, is that you become more self aware, and as you mature emotionally your attraction to guys will age as well.

    So, recognize there is an emotional gap between yourself and someone younger (and the younger the person the larger the gap). Be cognizant of it. And be careful not to damage someone else emotionally. Finally, recognize long term relationships may not be ideal with someone whom does not have much life experience so manage yourself accordingly.

    Above all else, your on a journey of self exploration and identity, keep an open mind and keep posting!
     
    #11 OnTheHighway, Jun 2, 2017
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  12. Humbly Me

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    I think most people are attracted to people 18-25/27 XD it's the age when people tend to be the most beautiful, so don't feel bad about it. That feeling could also come from a deep sense of loss at not experiencing love during that time of your life, do make sure you consider this possibility and try to accept it and move on. That is were moving on comes in. Focus on what you want now and try and realize that you can still live the next years of your life in joy, and love rather than obsessing over the wrongs done to you in the past. Living well is the best revenge, as others have mentioned before here on EC.
     
  13. steve90

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    Thank you again OnTheHighway and thank you Myclosetisfull for your feedback. It is much appreciated and I have taken in all the points you have both made .

    My issue was/is I worry about others judging me but I have realized that people will always judge, I have the ability to not care what others think. It will take a while for me not to care what others think, but I hope to get there.

    The reason I do care is because my family and society at large has unwritten rules what we should be doing at different stages in our lives and if we deviate from that path then we are judged. I am at a different stage from some of my friends and family because my development was halted

    What I would ask onthehighway is am a right in not being at the same stage of where some of my friends are right now such as getting engaged, getting a house, buying nice cars? Or should I rush to that stage?
    I at this time in my life want to travel, hence why I am going to be helping refugees abroad. The path I am choosing feels right to me even if my friends and family are at different stages from me
     
  14. steve90

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    One more thing. Often when I see a guy am attracted to be that in the gym or in the street, am scared to stare as it is highly likely the guy is straight or I am afraid I will get caught staring. I think shame could be part of it too . My question therfore is how do I get over the staring scenario and has anyone else experienced it?

    Sorry for all the questions, it's just this is a great forum to discuss what I have been through and how o feel.
     
  15. OnTheHighway

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    We each have our own path in life. What you need to do is recognize life is not about a preset path your supposed to follow as dictated by others (whether it be family, friends or a heteronormative society at large), and instead figure out your own path to follow wherever it takes you. Your life is about you, not others.

    As far as staring, shame may be holding you back. Or a combination of shame and some degree of politeness. Only you can figure out what your comfortable with. Time to put the shame aside!
     
  16. Humbly Me

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    Politeness... It is an excuse I have used to myself before, would not recommend being concerned with politeness excessively, but also don't be really rude. Being too polite and submissive to others doesn't give them any benefit and it hurts you so and most definitely don't use it as an excuse to not do what is best for you. Again 3/10, would not recommend. Hits head against wall. =P :bang:
     
    #16 Humbly Me, Jun 2, 2017
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  17. steve90

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    Thanks again. Myclosetisfull, what would you not recommend?
     
  18. Humbly Me

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    Putting politeness before your own personal needs and using it as an excuse to do things that are unhealthy for you emotionally or physically.
     
    #18 Humbly Me, Jun 3, 2017
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  19. PatrickUK

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    Passing judgement on other people is something that many of us do and it's not just about our sexuality. Hair, clothes, teeth, build, smell, personality, politics, religion, moral issues, sporty (or not), working (or not) .... the list is endless really and we can't go through life trying to please all people at all times because we'll set ourselves up for failure and disappointment if we do. I know some people who couldn't care less about my sexuality, but seem very stand offish with me when they discover I am a practising Christian. Why? Because they imagine I'm a conservative Bible basher who takes a holier than thou attitude to life. That's not who I am at all actually.

    I just wonder if you see yourself as a bit of a people pleaser Steve? How much of this struggle is due to a feeling of not fitting in... of being an outsider?

    At 27, you are not too old at all. It's not at all unusual for gay men to wait things out and only really start dating later on. There is no point in looking back in regret and anger or comparing yourself to a younger cousin or anyone else. I'm not saying you are wrong to feel the way you do, but the reality is this - you cannot be someone else who lives to other people's standards and what has passed has passed. On a more positive note though, you can begin to make plans for a better and brighter future.

    I would suggest you are looking to younger guys because you are ruminating over your past and hoping to somehow recapture those years that you regard as lost. In truth, you would be better looking to date someone over 25 who is at the same stage in life as you. Personally, I find the extra bit of maturity more endearing and attractive.
     
  20. Humbly Me

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    Thanks for explaining what I was getting at in a much more in depth way.