I'm posting this here because I can't talk about it to anyone else in my life. They would think I'm just attention fishing--but this is a serious problem for me. It couldn't be any more shallow a topic, but I get super depressed because of it. I mean so depressed it physically exhausts me. I don't know if I'm good-looking or not, and I really can't tell because every so often both people I know and people I don't tell me that I am. So I sort of settle into this fairly positive mental image of myself and when I look in the mirror--knowing all the best angles to see myself in, of course--I somehow manage to see someone at least modestly handsome, and I'm perfectly happy with that. (My profile pic is a reflection of this--how I think I look.) But then, every so often, I see a photo someone else takes of me and I HATE who I see. Ugly. I hate it so much that I feel mortally embarrassed to even exist. It is so different from the mental image I have of myself. And suddenly I wonder how anyone could genuinely tell me I'm good-looking unless they were lying to my face to encourage me or something out of pity. On top of all this, there's still a nagging doubt that maybe this is just what most everyone goes through, seeing their own worst qualities and not seeing the best ones, and that maybe I'm just skewing things in my head when I see these photos. I don't know. But right now I'm feeling crushingly depressed (and worse, shallow and vain). I know this is stupid and that it's character that ultimately counts--I tell myself that constantly--but I am seriously afraid that if I really look how I think I do, no guy will ever seriously consider me and think maybe it would be a good idea to date that. Just wanted to get that horrible nonsense off my chest. :icon_redf
Some people are seriously unphotogenic or just see themselves uglier from angles they're not used to. The only thing you can do is improve whatever you can - care for your skin, go to the gym, experiment with haircuts, make changes to your wardrobe, get a teeth whitening if available and so on. I think stance and attitude are something you can train yourself and go a long way. Walking around hunchbacked is never going to be a turn on and sporting a confident but chill attitude can bring you extra points.
Your concern is not as shallow as you might seem to think, and might be reflective of some insecurities you have about yourself rather than how you truly look. How we physically view ourselves can often be directly related to how much confidence and self esteem we have. When we love whom we are, when we are confident and when we have high self esteem it is easy for us to see how beautiful we are when we look in the mirror. There was a long period in my life where I did not like what I saw when I walked by a mirror, nor was I a willing participant in photographs of myself. As a gay man living in a heteronormative world, I was significantly impacted by shame and internalized homophobia. As I learned to work though my emotions, manage the shame and the internalized homophobia, I began to build confidence, self esteem and self worth. This lead to me loving whom I was as an individual. I am not sure when it exactly happened, and it probably was an evolution more so than a quick switch, but today when I go by a mirror, I smile at the person I see. When someone wants to take a picture I am standing ready to be included. What you need to think about is if you believe your confidence or self esteem have potentially been mpaired in any way. And if you believe they have been, work to figure out why. Once you understand why, you can then work to find closure and move on from those negative emotions. Once you do, you may find your confidence, self esteem and self worth improved, you will therefore love whom you are, and when you go by a mirror, you too might be very happy at the person you see standing in front of it!
