Depression and the lack of help

While I will mention 'family' in this, this has to do with more than my relatives.

I have been in a depressive rut for about a couple years now, and I would love escape. I only get help from just one of my friends, whom I talk with only in school. Lately this 'rut' I find myself stuck in has been getting deeper and deeper. Since I am lacking money, I tried getting help from my parents to get me a therapist. However, that was a while ago and I have given up on that. Music helps but only so much and so often. My parents certainly don't help me. My mother is aware of my depression, and even my suicidal thoughts. However when I told her about these things her response was: "Oh well, not my problem." My own mother, someone who is supposed to always be there for their child, does not care because it has nothing to do with her. I cannot speak to the old man I live with, whom I refuse to call my father. Both my parents treat me as if I am still a young child, who fails to understand most things. I have tried explaining to both of them about the way that they have been treating me. And no matter how many times I talk to them, nothing will change. I have not been getting the help I know I need, and while things are surely getting worse, my mother and the old man are trying to get rid of the way I can vent, that I can calm myself down.

Now onto where the problem(s) are elsewhere. I am a man of endless loyalty, and I have never been able to give up on people, or say no when they need help. I help my friends when they feel as if their depression is taking control. Or with any problem. However the friends that have depression, just as I do, I feel as if their depression is worsening mine. Broad as my shoulders are, they can only carry so much. I cannot bring myself to not help them. It is me as a person that feels as if I must help those in need of it. It's in my nature to. While I let everyone talk to me, and I give advice, and even directly help them, I can only talk to a certain few.

My now ex boyfriend used to help me with my problems, however dealing with his has left me weak. I still help him with his suicidal tendencies and thoughts, as best as I can. However helping him makes it worse for me. And like I said before, I cannot give up on people. And ever since his problems have gotten worse, he stopped helping me with mine. I have only one person left that helps, and she is a dear friend.

Very few nights I get more than 30 minutes to an hours sleep. Multiple things haunt me, preventing my sleep. The depression that has been holding on to me like a ball and chain. The reminder than my parents don't care about me. My own mother, telling me that my safety isn't her problem, is etched in my memory very deep and most certainly haunts me. The fear of losing people, and I know it will happen, but the very thought of me makes me cry at night. The old man I live with walked in on me having a panic attack, and told me to "Go to sleep, and stop being a pussy." I feel alone, and disgusted by the people I am surrounded by.

I need help. I need some form of help. Whether it be advice, people to talk to. Anything. I don't want to lose what I have, and I don't want to give in to the thoughts I have.

 

There are no LGBT centers near me or any of the sort. And I dont trust medicine after taking meds during my childhood.