Anyone know about relationships with recovering addicts?

I'm in love with a recovering porn addict. I was aware of it when we started dating last summer, but he ended it abruptly when he relapsed and felt too utterly defeated to continue. He also ended it to protect me. He recontacted me at Christmas and we've remained more or less in contact since. Now he feels like he is on much more solid ground than before. He feels better than ever. It's been around 5 months since his last relapse and he now no longer feels at risk to relapse again. It's been nearly a year, and still, we both think about each other almost constantly. He tells me that the time has never felt so right to be with me again... He is so determined to overcome his pornography addiction and tries so hard to do right by me. He has shown exemplary respect for me all along... And yet my gut feeling doesn't feel good about this. I'm so worried that things are going really well in his life right now and that he's on cloud number 9, but that it's a matter of time before things may get tough again and the risk of relapse will become more real.
The pros:
- he's determined like no one I've seen before;
- he's got a good head on his shoulders despite his addiction;
- he's shown me the utmost respect and wants my well-being;
- he seems to have devised good coping strategies, has seen a sex therapist, and his roommates are aware of his addiction, and therefore a good support network;
- we communicate extremely well.

The negative:
- he can be a bit impulsive (i.e. he told me that he loved me Monday, whereas he only reconctacted me Sunday and I was in no position to respond);
- he says that if after a couple dates, I don't feel ready to restart a relationship with him, that it will hurt badly but he doesn't care; at least he will have fully felt what he was numb to last summer. The fact that he doesn't care about emotional consequences worries me.
- I'm not sure that, although he's been in recovery for more than a year, only five months without a relapse is perhaps not enough for him to be on solid ground for a relationship.

I have asked him to see his sex therapist to see whether he is on solid enough ground to start a relationship again. He understands that I am slow to trust and respects that. Any advice?

 

Thank you for your insight, Chip.

No, indeed, I've never had a history of addictive behaviors. You are right, when we were dating last summer, I was certainly wanting to take care of him. As for me, I've done a lot of work on myself in therapy this winter. I've realized that I am anxiously attached and have learned ways to deal with this and communicate my needs in a healthy way, as well as tools to reduce my own anxiety. And perhaps the fact that I'm not so easily convinced and that my instincts don't feel good about this is a sign that I am healthier now.
I know that he has also made leaps and bounds since last summer and he's at a better place than he's ever been.
We both are very committed to working through our issues, and again, we communicate extremely well, which is one of the reasons I think we could make a really strong couple. I'm just not sure that the progress we each have made is enough at this stage. At the same time, I have to be aware that anxiously attached as I am, I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios and overanalyse. So perhaps, that is what is going on here and I need to calm down and have a little faith in life.

 

Hi Chip,

I just thought I'd let you know that I ended things for real this morning.
Last night, I came to the realization that I didn't have the same feelings that I did a year ago. I sort of knew that my instincts didn't feel right about this, but I didn't think that it was because I wouldn't feel the same way anymore. Nonetheless, I've spent the entire afternoon crying and crying. I know he's hurting right now and I just feel awful, even knowing I ended things in the most honorable and compassionate way possible.

I'm wondering now if perhaps I'm no longer attracted because I am healthier and am no longer attracted because of his other "on-the-side" addictions like smoking and pot, which he still hasn't gotten rid of, or if it's because, in general, he's turned his life around, he's standing on his own two feet and I no longer feel like he's someone who needs saving.

 

Hi Birobigenausex,

I actually ended things yesterday because I realized I no longer felt the way I did last summer. Seems like I had a ton of attachment but wasn't in love with him. He hasn't had the easiest life and he's had to muster up incredible courage to overcome obstacles that would seem insurmountable to a lot of people. I just feel so awful that he's hurting because of me. I've honestly never cried so much over a guy before. He's the last person on earth that I wanted to hurt.

 

No. Unfortunately, we can't just be friends. It would be too hard for him at the moment. We told each other that we would still stay in eachother's lives, but for the time being, I need to give him time to heal. And I think too that I myself need to get over the attachment I feel for him.

I never thought it could hurt so bad to be on the rejecting side...