Hi, so I'm new to this site and tbh I'm really uncomfortable with actually talking about these sorts of things but I felt that this was the safest place to do so. I came to the realization (can't think of a better way to put it) that I was gay a little over a year ago and I cried the entire day. I've battled with self-hatred since I started secondary school so that's probably the main issue here. But I just did not want to be gay, in fact to this day I feel very uncomfortable using the term 'lesbian' to describe myself because I just feel so ashamed of it. I'm no longer in the closet to my close friends and parents and when people ask me about it I will awkwardly tell them that I like girls. But, while I know they wont despise me for it, I can't bring myself to tell my grandparents because I just feel like I'll disappoint them. My Father took it really well and has continually assured me that it may be better to wait until I'm in a relationship to tell them while my Mother is trying to (not maliciously but annoyingly) force me to come out to them but the idea brings on anxiety every time and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm not even comfortable enough to pursue any form of relationship, the one time I tried I got called 'adorable' and just accepted the friendzone as it came. I feel uncomfortable walking into a gay bar because people on the street will judge me and I have very few LGBTQ* friends. It's like part of me wishes I'd stayed in the closet even though most of my friends had me pegged from the start. I just want to get over whatever gay-panic I'm going through and enjoy my life. I feel selfish because I'm in a position to scream my sexuality from the rooftops and nobody would care whereas some of my friends were kicked out of their homes for mentioning it. Why do I feel like this? Why can't I just be out and proud like everyone else seems to be? Has anyone else been through this if so did it pass or am I stuck with it forever? - Thanks
I don't have much advice to offer (I'm not out to anyone at all yet), I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You cried all day; I fought accepting being trans for two whole weeks after I realized that's who I am. I simply didn't want it to be true, and yet it is. It's been easier since then but it was a struggle at first. Hope that provides some encouragement at least.
Hi Purpleturtle. I'm Cam. Welcome to EC. The people here are friendly and supportive and it's a great place to talk to people from the whole rainbow spectrum. Don't worry about feeling uncomfortable talking about stuff. It's not always easy to share your thoughts and feelings. I would suggest you take some time reading through other people's posts to see what you recognise and identify with. If you're really stressed about it you can always start an anonymous post. I've done it twice. I have problems going to gay bars as I feel out of place and a fraud but it's my own insecurities that cause this. To be brutally frank people on the street probably won't judge you because they'll be caught up in their own stuff. I've dealt with self-hatred for most of my life. What things do you not like? Not everyone is out and proud. Everyone is different. I don't really like the fact that anyone who looks at me is likely to correctly assume that I like chicks as I am so much more than my sexuality. I've stopped going to Pride as seeing all the couples depressed me. But I hope when I'm in a better place mentally that I'll start going again. You don't have to wear a 'dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians' t-shirt and take part in a parade. The most important thing is that you find a way to feel comfortable within yourself. You don't have to label yourself especially if you don't feel comfortable with it. Basically you're a chick that likes other chicks nuff said. Are there any lbgt+ groups nearby that you can join? You may feel more comfortable meeting people in a more relaxed situation than a bar and also you might expand your lgbt+ circle and make friends you can go to bars with. I feel like I've started to ramble, however I hope this has helped a little.
You're not alone. I'm partly out and not proud at all. But you don't need to be, as long as it doesn't go into the self-hate direction. Also you don't have to force yourself into dating. Just wait until you fall in love and then act upon it. Okay, it's not like you had a choice if that happens You don't only meet people in gay bars.
I can relate. When I first realized I was bigender, I was excited, though, because I mistakenly thought there would be a lot of open minded people out there that would accept me as a person, rather than for my sex organ. But when you realize there aren't that many, so you can no longer be honest with people in order to start the life you want(in my case, family life), it's hard. I wish now that I could just be straight or bisexual, just to have children and not have to be a single and working parent
