Hey guys, it's been a while since I've last been on here but something happened within the last few days and it's been playing on my mind quite a bit... I was in town a few days ago with 3 of my friends and as the day was ending, we were talking about relationships (I don't know how we moved on to that topic but still) and one of my friends started to ask us what our 'type' is. At this point, my body just started to panic. My palms started to get sweaty, my heart began racing and my body just felt 'cold'. Yet, in my head, I was thinking 'Why is my body doing this? I'm out to 2 of them so why I am panicking? Just be honest'. So when it came to me, I gave a generally vague description of my type and that was that, we moved onto something else. Not too long after that, I was saying bye to my friends. As I was heading home, I was just scrolling through my phone when one of my friends texted me (the one I'm not out to) saying "So you are gay? Just wondering". I replied with "Yup, what gave you the thought?". I knew full well why he was asking as when we were talking about relationships earlier, my other friend asked "So what do you do when you see a girl or guy that you like?" and so my friend was able to put it all together. It was a good text conversation so I should be happy about that, but as soon as I saw his initial text, even though I knew he was going to ask about me being gay and I knew why he was asking and I knew he was going to be fine with it, it was the same reaction as before. Sweaty palms, racing heart, etc. This (really not that major) event had me thinking back over the last few months where I've had this reaction several times and it's always when I'm with people I know, regardless of whether I'm out to them or not, and never when I'm by myself. It doesn't matter whether it's seeing someone on TV that we know is gay, watching the news where they're talking about LGBT issues, watching two men on TV having a simple kiss or as earlier, talking about relationships, I always have this reaction. Ultimately, I don't really know why I have this reaction. I don't know whether it's because I'm not 100% confident with my sexuality or with myself in general, or whether it's an anxiety thing, or whether it's because I'm worried that people will somehow find out I'm gay (which really doesn't make much sense, given especially when I'm with people who already know or who will react well). I just don't know... Anyways, I should probably stop rambling on, this post is lengthy enough as it is but I'd like to know whether any of you guys have any thoughts on this? If anything, it feels good just to get my thoughts out there... Thanks!
It sounds like anxiety to me. Panic attack maybe. Its the body's built in fight or flight response, meant for situations when your in danger. Like if you were walking around your neighborhood late and night going home and someone starts following you, something like that. Pretty cool that your friends are all accepting though. Love that your friend posed the question to go both ways. Not that i even have friends to begin with, but I've always been unsure how to pose the question myself. Do i say both girls and guys and risk offending a homophobe and starting something, or do i find a way to say it w/o mentioning gender at all that might come off sounding weird.
