I always thought that my sexuality was easier for me to accept than being transgender because the way I saw it, those who would hate me for being gay would already hate me for being trans so it really made no difference whether I was a straight trans person or not. But now, maybe it's settling in a little more. I don't like being trans, obviously but I guess I always saw a way out. I knew that at some point in my life, I'd pass as a cis person and being trans wouldn't be so much of an issue. At some point. I mean, I wouldn't have to tell everyone. It wouldn't matter as much as it does now and I'd blend in as "normal." I didn't feel as ostracized for it either because people say it's a medical condition, my brain's a bit wrong and that's okay, they've got treatment for that. So, it's not my fault. I was just born like that but they can "correct" it. And if anyone ever tried to say it was wrong, at least I could say the Bible never said anything specifically on trans people. Being gay isn't like that. There's no treatment for it, I'm not going to get a way out. And it's going to be obvious. If I get a boyfriend and we go out in public, once I've transition, people are going to know. I can't be stealth about it. And if people say it's a medical condition, they're definitely not trying to sympathize. The Bible had a few things to say on homosexuality too. That doesn't really bother me, except when people quote it to be homophobic because the Bible's old and old views are expressed in it so not all of it is applicable today. But the scripture's still there, I think it's in Leviticus without looking it up. Anyway, for some reason, I keep thinking I must really be straight. I go through these periods where I just believe I am straight deep down inside, although that's impossible at this point considering my past. It's really annoying because it's almost like an intrusive thought, for that period of time it's all I can think about. I'm not straight but I don't want to admit it. I have friends who are gay and I just don't know how they do it. They've said that they love being gay and it seems like they have never had any problems accepting it at all. I swear, one guy came out as soon as he knew he was gay. He came out to his friends, including me and his parents. That's like fifteen people. I've known I was trans for three years and I've come out to seven people. I still haven't accepted my sexuality and I've known for roughly the same amount of time :bang: I don't know how some people are so happy. I spent a lot of time, just staring at the ceiling today. I wasn't looking at anything in particular, I just didn't want to think. It's weird because recently, I've felt sadder about being gay than trans. I'm guessing it's supposed to be the other way around but I don't try and talk myself into thinking I'm a cis girl anymore, it just is what it is... Am I thinking irrationally and making a big deal out of this? How do I get over it?
Hey, Colin. I wouldn't say you're thinking irrationally about any of it. Being gay and being trans are two huge revelations for some people to go through, so it makes sense that it's taking time to digest and process. Also, consider that being trans and being gay are two completely different things to process. Sure, they call in the LGBT+ community, but being LGB and being trans come with different problems and ways of coming to terms with it. There may be some similarities between the two, but they can be quite different. For example there are red grapes and green grapes. They're both grapes, but they taste different and have a different colour. Some people have an easier time eating red grapes, and some prefer green grapes. (Forgive my food analogy, I'm a bit hungry). Consider what factors may be preventing you from being comfortable with yourself. You've mentioned the Bible quite a few times, so maybe there's some ingrained religion that you might not be aware is preventing you from coming to terms with being gay. If you have anxiety or depression or any mental illness really, that can also affect the way you cope with your sexuality and gender identity. I have both depression and anxiety, and there are a lot of times (even years after realizing I'm bi and genderqueer), that I go through periods of self-hatred and hating myself for being different. That voice in your head can be the loudest one in the room at the most inopportune times, and it can be hard to control your mind. My advice to you is to first identify what may be holding you back. Also, there are more gay trans people than you realise. You'll probably meet quite a bit on this forum. Read about other experiences online and how they came to terms with it. Talk to a few of your friends that you're out to if you know they'll be supportive. When I get upset with myself, I either rant in a journal, or I might write a story. I also listen to LGBT+ empowering music. Reading is also a way for me to get my mind to another place. Exercise is good for the mind and body especially during hormone therapy. Find out what works for you. I hope this helped.
