Lost and alone. I feel like I'm the only person going through this.

This is my first ever post despite being marginally aware of this site for a couple of years now. Apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong section (I always seem to get something wrong..)

So here's the issue;

At 16 I had an existential crisis of sorts as it became painfully obvious to me that I was attracted to guys. I stopped the denial (at least internally) and around this time fell into a deep sense of alienation and became quite depressed. I was totally lacking in any kind of support as I wasn't comfortable expressing my identity/preferences at this stage. This was 2007, I was in a new environment; college/high school and I had a hard enough time making friends as it was being a shy and stoically introverted weirdo. Eventually the depression overtook everything in my life and my academic performance slumped.
And then it happened. I was at home one night and my parents called me downstairs, they wanted to talk to me about something. The college had informed them of my ongoing academic failure. The questions and accusations came: "What's wrong with you?".. "You're just lazy!" I tried to inform them that I had been feeling really depressed but they weren't having it "You're not depressed, you're just lazy!" and then for reasons I still don't fully understand one of them said "You're not lazy you're just a poof!" [a derogatory British slang term similar to the F bomb in America] I responded "No, I'm not!".. they saw my weakness and went for it, ruthlessly they offered up a continuous string of derogatory homophobic slurs and put downs. It went on and on and on and as it did my heart sank and sank. I knew I was going to have to say something (or at least I thought I did at the time.) And then I cracked. In the meekest voice I said it; "Yeah, I am actually".. They didn't quite register it over the sound of their own voices so I said it again "Yeah I am actually, I'm gay.. I look at other boys, I'm probably gay. So what?" For the first time in my life I admitted it as a 16 year old emotionally beaten down with tears streaming down my face. I thought quite naively that maybe they already knew instinctively.. this was 'tough love' and they just wanted me to be myself finally... For a brief moment it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.. but I was WRONG, oh so very wrong. As soon as that weight had been lifted from my shoulders it was placed squarely back on them again. My mother responded with something like "No, you're not.. You're not gay.".."You're just confused you don't know what you're talking about, stop being ridiculous." She had been drinking of course and my stepfather was egging her on as per usual.

tl;dr: I got dragged out of the closet before I was really comfortable with being out, got told I was confused and then thrown back in again.

The people I needed support from the most (my parents) threw me under the bus emotionally after I attempted to be honest and vulnerable with them about who I was and what I was going through. I failed academically. Aside from a brief period of weekend partying with old school friends at 18 I had failed socially as well. Eventually about a year later those friends all drifted apart as most of them went off to university. I didn't go to university. Instead I looked for employment. Given my lack of formal qualifications or work experience, getting even an interview was next to impossible. After hundreds of applications I gave up and I pretty much gave up on life in general. I just sat in my bedroom. I isolated myself for years after that not really knowing why. In retrospect my guess would be that I had major trust issues. My mental health fluctuated. I had good days, good months and good years, and I had bad days, bad months and bad years. The general trend seemed to be that things got worse.

Around 22 years old I was watching YT videos and somehow stumbled across a 'coming out, it gets better' video. And I remembered... Oh yeah, shit.. I'm still attracted to my own gender. Conveniently forgetting my forced coming out at 16 trauma. I thought I needed to inform my mother (so that there were no surprises later on.) So I did and surprisingly this time she didn't seem to care at all. "As long as you're happy I don't mind" she said. After that she stayed in her room for 3 nights sobbing then gave me the cold shoulder for a few months. I overheard her say things like "why would anybody want to get fucked by a man" and "I'm not having weird men coming into my house". Delightful.

I realised quite quickly afterwards that none of it mattered any way because I had forgotten how to socialise like a functional member of society. Dating wasn't going to be an option. I was so out of my depth. What was I even thinking?

I missed out on most if not all of the social/emotional milestones that most people take for granted (and which are probably vital for a person's self development and adjustment to society.)
At 26 I've perhaps passed the point of no return. I've been depressed for 10 years. I am virtually unemployable, financially in the gutter and aging horrifically due to constant stress. Underweight etc.

I doubt I will ever know what falling in love (or reciprocal affection of any kind) feels like. I feel so alone. I think this is going to be a very lonely life if you can even call it that. I contemplate suicide often (all I ever really wanted was to fall in love one day.)
I regret not standing my ground more when I was younger and the weight of lost opportunity and youth is bearing down heavily on my soul right now. The amount of anger and resentment I secretly hold onto is unhealthy. I'm so tired all the time and it feels like life is slipping away so quickly as I just lie in bed day after day.

Not sure what the point of this post was, I know it's not exactly sunshine and rainbows, but it is real and hopefully someone gets something positive out of it.

 

At the age of 16 in 2006, I realized I was gay. I always knew in the corner of my heart, that I liked guys, but I never realized it. That was when my world turned upside down. I live in a homophobic country and with orthodox parents. I was confused, sad and helpless all in one moment.

I tried coming out to my parents and telling them I was gay. They shot me down, blamed me looking up porn as the reason I thought so and said that I was making up stuff for attention, that there was nothing wrong with me. I went into a spiral, got depressed, did poorly at school and was in a bad place. My parents are good people, who've taken good care of me and raised me really well. But their answer was to stick me in a mental institution for a couple of weeks. The doctor there was a tad psychotic and they broke me out of it after a few weeks.

I still had mandatory weekly and later, monthly therapy sessions. I knew the therapist spoke to my parents after I "told him" everything in every session, so I would lie and pretend to "get better" and "get cured".

I always tell me parents everything, or atleast till that moment I did. But that was when I decided, I knew that my parents wouldn't understand. That I have to figure this out for myself. I became an emotional rock. I wouldn't cry for anything. I would laugh and smile and find the happiness in the smallest of things, so that I could always stay happy. It's not exactly healthy, but it worked for me.

I'm not financially stable or independent yet. I live with my parents and depend on them a lot. That's because of the turmoil I faced in my first year of college, which set me back academically by years. I'm still trying to get over that and move on academically and professionally, but it is tough, but I know I'm getting closer to my target, slowly, but surely.

All I want to say is, I understand where you're coming from and what you're saying. I've been there too and I regret a lot too. It will get better, trust me. It might take time, months and years maybe, but it will get better. (*hug*)

 

Your 26, you are still young and have a full life ahead of you.

I embraced my sexuality when I was 43. Quite some time older than you. Up to that point I lived behind an emotional wall. Once I embraced it, I took action, regardless of the consequences. I turned my life around.

I made myself vulnerable (which you were forced to do rather than doing it on your own), I took risks, I opened up to people, I stopped drinking, I build self esteem, self worth and confidence. I learned to managing the shame and internalized homophobia that enveloped me. As a result, I learned to love myself.

Consider reading my blogs if you have time. Much of my journey is reflected there and might be helpful for you in establishing your own critical path towards self actualization.

You can find peace and contentment.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/

 

First of all, I think you need a group hug (&&&)

I'm pleased you created this thread and decided to share with us what you are going through. It sounds like all of the pain and distress has been building up over a long time and it's brought you to rock bottom, but you've done a positive thing by letting it out here to a group of people who understand all of the difficulties of being gay. We may not know you personally, but you are part of our community and we care a lot. If you come here more, post more and talk to people on this site you may begin to feel more connected and in touch with your real self and that can only be a positive thing, don't you think?

Coming out to your parents didn't go well, but the fact is, you did it. The circumstances were bad and you didn't feel prepared, but it sounds like you was already struggling with your sexuality and all of the secrecy surrounding it. At the time it felt like an existential crisis and even though you were provoked into confronting reality, you did it and for a brief moment you experienced that lifting of the weight. It's that very feeling that you need to reconnect with now and you can get there. You may not get there alone, but with help, support and friendship you can climb out of this pit of despair and that's where this forum comes in.

Yes, you have had bad days, bad months and bad years and I'm guessing during those times you have had the suicidal feelings, but you also admit to having had some good days, good months and good years. This is the pattern you need to connect to.

When your mother said: "As long as you're happy I don't mind" it was a feint sign of progress. It sounds like she wants to accept your sexuality, but she is finding it hard and doesn't really know how to go about it. This is common for parents and we need to help them out, if we can. Take a look at this website Home and all of the resources and maybe leave the link for your mother too (it's a UK based website/charity for parents and family members of LGBT people).

You have not passed the point of no return and it's important that you tell yourself that. If we use catastrophic words and language to describe our situation and circumstances it becomes self fulfilling, so be careful before you describe yourself as a weirdo or anything like it. Other people may beat us down, but we have a greater capacity than anyone to defeat ourselves and you're in real danger of doing that.

It's clear from the way you wrote and structured your post that you are not without intelligence or beyond the point of self improvement. You still have potential and in reaching out for help and support you give yourself a fighting chance of realising all of it and living the life you really desire. Think about what you really want and then look for the weak spot in your vicious circle.

If you need someone to talk to, someone to bounce thoughts and ideas off, you are welcome to click on my profile and send me a private message, but there is great value in talking to all of us and getting a wide range of opinions and friendly responses too. You've cut yourself off enough, but now you have joined EC you have a safe place to be yourself and talk to people in the same boat.

Don't give up just yet. We are here for you.

 

I wish I could give you a hug in real life! I certainly haven't experienced what you went through, but I think I have a mini version of your story in which I came to the realization that I am homosexual and over the course of several months became severely depressed and isolated and lost out on social milestones. Like you, I only want to experience love and to not be ashamed of it or have to deal with other people's judgment.

You may not believe this, but you inspire me! I, too, experience lots of suicidal thoughts and I wonder if there is any significance to my existence, feeling as if I'm failing societal expectations. But the fact that you are still alive, and that you wake up every day a bravely continue to face the world is absolutely inspiring. And I think one day some amazing man will realize that, too, and will bring you the love that you deserve and that you've always longed for.

I know how terribly hard it is to find even an ounce of motivation, but if there is a day that you wake up with a little inspiration and energy, I urge you to get out and talk to someone. Find someone who will listen to you and recognize your beauty and intelligence. And if the only people you talk to are those of us here for you on EC, then that's okay too! Just don't give up!

 

I wish I could give you a hug too, I don't have quite the same story as you and I just hate how parents can treat their children so badly. That's why I stand up and be strong in my beliefs no matter what my parents say. You are not alone, so many of us are there with you to support you and help you through these struggles.

 

Reading this thread actually made me cry.. I haven't​ really cried in almost 2 years.