just miserable

so I'm sorry for the title. I realize that alone would send y'all running for the hills lol cuz who would want to deal with that right? but I honestly don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm just miserable because I really like someone but there's way they'll ever be mine. I mentioned before that I spend time on this LGBT poetry website and there's this guy who I've gotten close to on there, in the beginning because of my poetry. He's always leaving nice comments on my poems but when I posted a journal a few months ago about my depression, we started talking on a more serious level. I told him about being molested as a child and he's really sweet and he doesn't judge me or think I'm playing the victim like I've heard people tell me before. He's just a really compassionate person and gets everything that I'm feeling and how hard it is for me to trust people. I've never actually seen him, not even a picture but I think about him all the time, especially when I've had a really horrible day. On the other hand, I quit this lesbian chat site because I got so tired of being ignored all the time and I've only stayed in contact with one girl and she even lives a few miles away from me but to be honest, I find her a bit too immature for me. She curses and uses the N word a lot and I honestly don't like that at all. She's cute where appearances go but the only thing I kept thinking after we talked was how much I wish I could see that guy instead. I know what this sounds like but bottom line, I wish I was a boy and I wish I had a chance to be with him because he's the type of person who could make me feel loved and safe. That's why I'm miserable, because I feel like I'll always be alone.