This is one of those days I need to let off some steam for some reason. There are too many hot guys at my school! I know this might be good for some people, but for me it's pure hell. If I was out I think it might be a bit better, because I think that one of them is gay and would come to me for support. I kind of feel slutty for liking so many people. It seems like all my best friends I fall in love with which really starts to piss me off. I even came out to my biggest crush (and my best friend) (Didn't tell him I liked him) and he accepted me. But it's so infuriating. But I can't change him. It's just frustrating. He's so perfect and I feel so boring next to him. I'm not even kidding. He does twice as much stuff as me, keeps straight A's, and is some freakin' how more social than me (I'm trying to be more social). So even if he did like guys I doubt he would even like me as more than a friend. I still can't beat him in anything, even in the Pacer today (it's a fitness benchmarking tool to test your cardio endurance, you run across the gym, and a speaker plays how many times you've went across, when you fall behind, you're done) I got 120, and apparently he got 121. But I think he was kidding because he gave me this really funny smirk. He's one of two people in my life (both redheads, fetish much?) that make me really happy when I talk to. For some reason with most other people I can't find a topic that I can stay on track with them. Like I will switch to something else when I can't carry the conversation along. So this excludes me from making friends with some really awesome people who usually aren't dominant in conversation also! So frustrating! And I'm not even going to get started on school. I try my hardest and have managed to get into AP classes with pure will (That's one of my good traits, the other, sympathy (too much sympathy sometimes)). I feel like I can't keep up sometimes, but I want to be an example of a perfect person because when I come out in grade school (which I will do, even if it's my last fucking day!) I don't want the gay community to look like the stereotype most straight people view it as now! It PISSES me off. I'm actually glad I'm gay or else I wouldn't try so hard to do all of this. And I want a good job, but who cares about that if you're truly happy with the changes you've made in the world! I just feel I can't make a change in the world. My stumbling blocks are because I can't socialize well with new people at ALL. I'll be damned if I make a new best friend this year. Another one is I'm just not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I can't help it no matter how hard I try. But I'm going to stay in AP classes cause that's where I need to be. I feel like I get angry over the dumbest things. But when someone thinks they're better than me or anything like that I don't give a crap usually, and then when I've bottled up all my anger I usually handle it in a bad way that I don't want people to see me like. I wish I could just make friends easily. Sorry this is so scatterbrained. I don't really need an answer, I'm just kind of ranting. If you have one that would be nice though Thanks for listening EC!!!
