Well the thing is i have been really depressed and confused ever since i had an experience with a guy. It happened after Christmas, the thing is i was drunk and things end up going a little to far we didn't have sex or anything but we came close .And for some reason i cant get the event out of my head.Also after that i have been thinking about guys very differently. More sexually, And ever since then I have closed myself off from the world. I am letting fear rule my life. I just haven't felt like myself ever since i started questioning my sexuality.The thing is i never been in relationship with anybody. Not because i haven't ever been asked out i just never had emotional feelings toward anybody. My parents seem very worried about me but i know if they figure out whats bothering me they will not accept it at all. Plus being around them and hearing all the insults they say about homosexuals like their going to hell and they deserved to be put to death is not helping me. Also a Few years ago when they figured out my sister was bi sexual they sent her to a mental center and they didn't allow her to leave till she said she wasn't. I would talk to her about this but me and my sister are not on the best of terms. And i am kind of scared of the same thing happening to me if my parents figure out. I am not really sure who to talk to or how to determine my sexuality. I guess its not easy for any body.Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks for reading
HI matt, sounds like you have a complicated family life, and I can sympathize, but why should they know if you don't? there is no rush to find out your sexuality, try some exploration with masturbation and porn, carefully mind you, so that your parents don't have to know anything. if you are gay, you can deal with their reaction down the line, but don't sweat it too much, for now just focus on having a better relationship with yourself and learning more about yourself, now is the time to discover more about yourself, so romance yourself a little and see what you find out.
Toneth makes some excellent points. To those I would add the following: a) If it turns out you're gay (or bi, or whatever), it's OK. b) If it turns out you're straight, it's OK. c) Your orientation is only a small part of who you are, not the single most important defining element. I realize that at 18yrs old, you are probably thinking about sex about every third thought and have been for years now. Sad to say, in practice, you will spend a lot more time doing other stuff with your time. d) Regarding your parents, given your age, it seems likely that you will be moving out on your own in the fairly near future, after which their ability to send you anywhere essentially disappears. Obviously this doesn't mean your concerns are over at that point, since I'm assuming you would still want to have a relationship with them after leaving home. But the issue of being forced to go somewhere, or having to listen to comments all the time, should go away. e) Getting back to your feelings on the whole thing, like Toneth, I would suggest relaxing and gradually exploring your feelings on this issue. Try to put aside any expectations you think society has, or your parents have, or even that you have and just see how you feel if you try fantasizing about guys or (discreetly so your parents don't find out) looking at porn or the like. If you still don't care for it, then you likely have one answer. If you do find yourself reacting favorably to it, then you have another. But either way, you're still OK and still a worthwhile person. One very important thing: If you find you don't like it, please don't continue to force yourself to look at porn or fantasize or whatever on the off chance that you are just in denial. All you'll likely do is just stress yourself out to no good purpose. At the end of the day, your orientation isn't all that hugely different from liking/not liking a particular food. If you tried a new food and didn't care for it you probably wouldn't stress over the fact that all your friends loved it/hated it. The same could be said to apply in this situation. Hope this helps, Todd
