As I have checked the guidelines for posting in this section of the forum, I believe this is the right place to ease a burden on my mind. There may be a rant somewhere in all this, so I should say ahead of time that I mean no disrespect to anyone. In my introductory post on this forum, I said that I have access to offline resources, but I have trouble approaching them because of what feels like an equal and opposite force keeping me away. For the local chapter of PFLAG, I have tried to visit a meeting at least three times already, only to feel repelled by said force which is an irrational fear, which I cannot accurately pinpoint what it is (I suspect it might be the fear of recognition, as I know some openly LGBT people in the city where I live; I don't know if they attend PFLAG meetings though). Last time I tried to go there, I tried to wear sunglasses and a toque to cover my identity, only for me to circle around the church where the PFLAG meeting takes place (I don't have a problem with the church as I'm sure the church wouldn't have a problem with me being gay; otherwise they wouldn't allow PFLAG meetings to be held there in the first place), telling myself I would be "fashionably late" by entering five minutes late; then five minutes turned to 10, then 20, then an hour, and then I drop the plan to join the meeting all together. The worst part, however, is that the PFLAG meeting in the city I live only happen once a month (there is one coming up, but I can't go due to a prior arrangement to visit family that day), so when I never go there, I end up feeling guilty for squandering the opportunity to get a better sense of myself and even more so for wasting my time even trying. I used to have the same problem with my university's Pride Collective, but I have been able to visit there thrice; once a year ago to try to talk to someone about coming out of the closet (and failing to say what my problem was with clarity), and twice more recently to make use of their resources (I read a book about the coming out process for men; I noticed it was outdated since it was published just after Don't Ask Don't Tell was initiated in the US. It still gave me a better grasp with my sexual orientation though). While I was able to break past the invisible barrier of fear (since I used sunglasses to cover my face in my recent visits, while I had someone part of the Collective help me into the space; hence why I had the same idea to cover my face for PFLAG), I ended up finding a new barrier instead: the really leftist politics behind the Pride Collective. A bit of context: the Pride Collective at my university calls itself a "Safe Space," meaning that anyone and everyone would be welcome to visit the Collective's space and offices. Part of the Collective's policy on maintaining the Safe Space is that no oppression is allowed at all (as in no heterosexism, cissexism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, etc.), and that if any discussion were to have potentially offensive content (i.e. someone getting into personal details of their own sex lives, ranting about gender roles, etc.), they would ask if anyone would be offended before continuing on with the discussion, even if it's between two people. The Pride Collective is also primarily an advocacy group for anyone fitting under the LGBTQQIATS (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans*, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Two Spirit; I'm sure I'm forgetting at least three letters) umbrella, meaning they take the Safe Space idea seriously, even outside of the Collective's space. They even sent a letter to the Transportation Ministry of Canada regarding travel regulations affecting Trans* people negatively (in that they would not be allowed to travel by air), which shows how admirable they are and how politically charged they are. However, the politics is also what makes then hypocritical too. They recently hosted an event relating to a film called "What I Love about Being Queer," which of course they would do, since they are promoting LGBT identity as part of a good society... or not so much for the T according to a post on their Facebook page; prior to the event (on the same day no less), they posted a link to an article on their Facebook group's wall about how Transwomen are underrepresented (as in not represented at all) in the Film "What I Love about Being Queer," thus making the film contributing to the oppression of Transwomen (even though one commenter, a Transwoman who presumably follows the Pride Collective, said she doesn't really care about the issue with the film). That raised two questions to me: 1) Is anyone certain that the underrepresentation is intentional? I didn't read too much of that article, but from what I am aware of the film in question, oppression doesn't seem to be any prime intent. Then again, I am not a Transwoman, so I don't think I have much valuable insight into this issue. 2) If the event that the Pride Collective hosted was, according to another post by the Pride Collective, oppressive to Transwomen, why would they bother organising the event in the first place if any form of oppression is against their policies? The point I want to get across is that the Pride Collective can be so political that it gives me a headache. Aside from the leftist politics that even I find to be a little far (such as declaring little things oppressive even if there probably was no intent on oppressing a minority population, like with the film "What I Love about Being Queer"; oppression is a really strong word), the politics can also be hypocritical for the Collective (such as hosting the event without thinking about the oppression the film encourages). As much as I want to take a look at the resources available at the Collective space (they have an impressive library of LGBT related books), I don't feel safe entering such a politically charged area (I am only mildly interested in politics; I consider myself a centralist and I do not believe as strongly about any ideology, but I am more than willing to be fair in accordance to other people's rules). Should I just get over myself if I want to break past the invisible barriers to PFLAG and the Pride Collective (i.e. grin and bear it)? Or does anyone have any advice on how to bypass the psychologically created forces I feel? Before anyone suggests to arrange to have someone from PFLAG walk me into the meeting next month, like I did with my second visit to the Pride Collective, keep in mind that I am closeted; outside of Empty Closets, I would not come out to people I don't know.
Keep in mind that EC has close to 20x the number of readers as we have members. So if 50 people have viewed your post, statistically only two of them are members, and therefore only two could even post. Additionally, when you write a long and thoughtful post, often people may not have time to instantly read and respond to it. I respond with short answers to posts I can quickly digest, but it takes me longer to read and respond to longer ones. In short... you need to be a bit more patient and maybe a little less assumptive about the views to a thread vs. the responses you get. As to the substance of your post... basically, it sounds like you've got a combination of fear (which is very understandable) and essentially creating reasons to avoid accessing the resources you state. People only change when the discomfort of where they are is greater than the fear of change. So you can work on motivating yourself to reduce the fear, and simply accept the politics that go along with the organizations that offer resources... or you can stay in your discomfort zone. Last thought: You'd probably get a lot more responses if your post was more succinct. I skimmed it and from my skim, you could probably cut about 2/3 of the content and retain the main themes that are important for people to read in order to respond. Remember that most of us who are responding are really busy and for many of us, when we come across a wall of text, we simply don't have time at that moment to read it all, so those are the posts that get flagged to get read later. That's not meant as a dig, just a constructive criticism. I hope the above helps!
Struggling with similar thoughts/feelings... I'll be looking forward to reading others posts and responses.
Hi Tlarkul! I have had a very similar experience one time. I score left and right of center just as often on political compass type tests. There are only a tiny handful of issues I really care about. And I've been in uncomfortable conversations with people who are very vocal and open about their politics. It sucks, because you go in expecting to get away from feeling like a minority, and you end up... feeling like a minority. Sure there's some common ground. A lot of it really in my case; my right politics just come from me having personal life goals and maybe wanting to run a business some day, otherwise I like the way the left thinks on a lot of issues. I try to see things their way. I mean, most of the time, they can't talk about their views as freely. They get a few minutes around their friends at meetings to be themselves, and part of themselves is their politics. I mean I don't agree with them. Way don't agree sometimes. And part of my mind is like, wow I hope I don't look like I'm agreeing just because I'm not opening my mouth. But then opening your mouth means continuing a conversation you'd really like to avoid, right? You're not gonna change minds and even if you could you don't want to. And you don't wanna defend your views to people that aren't really there to listen because they need to vent. But one thing I learned is that it all comes from the same place. Avoiding being associated with the rest of the gay/bisexual/trans community, and their politics. There's a blog I read not too long ago, and don't go here at work because he drops f-bombs like they're going out of style, called "in over your head". It's one of those self help gurus and between us the guy is a little full of himself and has kind of a Chuck Palahniuk complex (the guy that wrote Fight Club, he thinks he's all edgy and zen is what I'm saying). But this article is really well written. If you don't wanna read it, the idea is just to get used to doing things that embarrass you. The idea is, you do something you'd normally hesitate before doing, you do it anyway, you look around, nothing bad happens. Repeat a bunch of times, and eventually you get through to that really deep down part of you that you're being silly and shouldn't be so scared of what people think about you. That no one is going to jump out of the bushes and take a picture of you before running away to sell your story to the enquirer. And while I'm the type that usually thinks advice is crap, that ended up being really good advice for me. I mean basically, your politics are yours right? So who really cares if they get read wrong by other people. You're gonna get judged and misjudged and misunderstood anyway. It's just gonna happen no matter what you do. But you don't have to let that limit your options until you're miserable. I mean if you do find yourself a nice guy one day, do you wanna have to spend forever hiding your love from the world? Or do you wanna take just a couple social risks and be openly happy and proud of your relationship? I know I made that sound one sided but that's really the choice here. And if you get really good at your IDGAF-fu, then you'll even be able to argue politically with the people in your PFLAG group I bet you anything you'll find out there were some other people there like you that were just too shy to say anything. And a few other people that disagree with you that were just itching for some fun debate the whole time. And of course blowhards that have a point to get across and a script to read and aren't going to get anything new out of the conversation :lol: Everyone's different. ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2013 at 09:05 PM ---------- And hey one more thing, if you do change some of your opinions once you're on the other side of the rainbow, that doesn't mean anything except that you have some new experiences and information you didn't have before. You don't have to just accept an entirely new political identity, or leave your old one behind completely. You're the one that gets to decide what you believe. Make it yours.
Thank you very much, cassie29. I read the blog article that you linked, and what it said and what you are saying really resonates with how I feel not only with my invisible barriers issue, but with my worldview on life as well (being a bit of a cynic that I am). From what I gather, commitment to action, regardless of all the invisible barriers in my way, is the key to the bravery needed to break said barriers.
