First of all let me just say that English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for all the mistakes. Oh and it's long so I appreciate anyone who reads it and can help somehow. I'm 21 years old girl from Israel and my life is stuck. In my country we go to the army from the age of 18 until 20 so I finished my service about 7 months ago and haven't done anything with my life yet. I have a huge problem with interacting with people [I get panic attacks even talking to a member of my family and sometime even my friend] so getting a job is a nightmare. I tried so hard and got an interview, but my fears were too much and I didn't go. I can't start my degree because in my country you need a full diploma from high school, which I don't have because I'm missing one grade in math, and a psychometric test that I cannot do! There are things that I need to do in order to get into university and I just can't, it doesn't matter how much I study I just can't get it! My parents fight with me on a regular basis about it and saying that I'm throwing my life away... Since I don't have anything to do with my life I have a lot of time to think. I know I'm gay since I was 13 and been through hell trying to accept myself. I tried dating boys, forcing myself to feel something with them and stop thinking about the beautiful girls I saw around me, I tried to repress it and make it go away.. But I always kept falling for girls and gone back and forward with understanding that it's ok.. I was on several forums and talk to some people, but whenever they suggested I'll go to a meeting with a support group I stopped talking to them. When I was 16 I talked to a girl and something started, be I got too scared and ignored her. All I remember from my teen years is being scared, lonely, sad. I started to cut myself at the age of 14 and I still do, I tried to smoke and suicide is always on my mind. My parents are very conservative and I'm sure that they'd throw me out the if they find out. In there eyes being gay is a mental illness, I grow up hearing how homosexuality is wrong and a sin and the people who are gay should be put to death... And I'm their only child. I can't never tell them. When I was 16 I told my best friend, she said she's ok with it, but questioning me and made remarks every time I was hanging out with other female friends. This year we stop talking. I have only 2 friends, if you can call it that.. My best friend and I were so close, like sisters, but now we're falling apart. My other friend has her own shit to deal with. They both know about me, I did it via text [so stupid] and they totally accept me. I told my other friend because apparently I outed myself and she asked my best friend who told her that I am [I don't even know if I suppose to be angry with her] so I had to do the talk... My best friend is always trying to encourage me and make me feel better, but I don't feel comfortable with them. I never said "I'm a lesbian" and the fact that they know makes me feel even worse than before.. I can't be with them, I push them away... I'm a very ' keeping to myself' kind of person, I need to be alone, my privacy is number 1 for me. I don't know if it's true because Iv'e never had therapy [complicated], but I'm pretty sure I suffer from depression, social anxiety [or something like that] and some concentration disorder\learning disability. I always think about ways to end my life, but I'm too scared to actually do it. I can't talk to anyone and I'm probably going to regret writing here. I feel like I don't belong here; in this house, in this city, in this country, in this world. I'm over sensitive, bad stuff hurt me like hell. During the day I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest, my hands are sweaty and I feel extremely afraid. I thought about moving to Canada, but I don't have the grades.. And besides, my fears won't let me. I've never experienced love, never kissed someone I care about, never had a relationship... I fantasize about falling in love, getting married and have a family with a woman.. But that would never happen.. I don't want to stay here. I'm alone. I can't even cry anymore. Every night, before I go to sleep I pray to never wake up.. And when I do I just hate it. It takes me hours to fall asleep because I keep thinking about everything. I'm stuck in a life I don't want. Too scared to stop it, Too scared to change it.
I wish I had advice for you as well. Best I can come up with is that as I read I see this site has helped a lot of people. Someone will be able to give you better words of wisdom/advice.(*hug*)
Well, I know how you feel to a certain extent, with the 'fears' and the suicide part. My advice would be to see a counselor or therepist, if you can. Maybe you can find an LGBT grup or club or something? I'm sorry I can't give you much advice... But best of luck!!
hey saw post of your dream of traveling to oz.i dont have much advice but oz would be a good plan. ive lived there b4 very gay friendly and sounds like your environment is bringing you down understandably.
