I'm curious about people's experience and feelings on using a middle name as a "gay" name, either permanently or just while sorting oneself out. When I started actively exploring this issue, I created this alternate-self across the internet, referring to him to myself and my therapist in the third person, while still referring to me as me. I felt I needed that freedom to be completely honest with myself. Strange how people work... needing to be both out in the open for the whole world to see, yet still anonymous. Maybe it's about being able to either claim or discard the journey depending on the results. That's probably it, but it's still odd. Now, as I am becoming more comfortable with my still-nebulous sexuality, I've been actively trying to correct my language and thinking and stop referring to this other self as, "him", but, "me." I feel a little like Sybil trying to integrate the two selves. I know someone who lives this way — first name for work and work-related friends, and then their middle name for their "love life," as it was termed to me — but I don't know this person's reasons or results. This person is, unfortunately, unavailable for advice, as I don't have the level of trust I'd need to discuss this and these issues with them. As of now, I'm thinking that if I ever fully integrate the two selves, it would be after I come out to my rather extensive extended family. I'm okay not knowing what I'll eventually do, however, as I see arguments both for and against.
From a very straightforward perspective, this is how I see it. "Coming out" and finding/accepting your identity is basically about being honest with yourself. Creating a second identity just to explore that is basically about being dishonest with yourself. I don't see how the two mesh. That said, I can see how reevaluating one's whole identity is terrifying and not something people embrace readily or even in a short period of time. It can be really tempting to hide behind a different persona to make the transition seemingly easier. But I don't think in the long run it'll have a lot of benefit. It varies a lot from person to person. Everyone's situations are different, so I'm sure there are exceptions to this idea, but that's my view.
