I feel the need to use EC as a place to vent, right now. Do forgive me. I feel terrible. I'm sick to my stomach all the time. I have no energy, no will to do much of anything (especially not anything work related). My eyes have been getting misty intermittently at things even remotely related to sexuality or family, like the song Strangers Like Me, for instance). I just want to lay in my bed in the dark all day without seeing or talking to my mother. I have a research paper due tomorrow that I haven't even started on and no matter how much I try, I can't bring myself to work on it. Lucky (unlucky) me got settled with researching gender identity disorder. Talk about a trigger. I think I'm depressed. Again. I really want to stop being miserable. I want to convince myself that my mother loves me. I want to tell myself, and believe, that I could be an exception to her rule. Yeah, she defines every other gay/bi person by their sexuality, makes terrible judgments about their character and worth as human beings based on that one thing. But she knows me personally, outside of my sexuality. So maybe she be inspired to change her mind? Maybe she'd figure out that you don't have to be straight to be a person, that you don't have to be straight to be trustworthy, that you don't have to be straight to be good. Maybe she won't classify me as a malicious pervert, too confused to function as a human being. But she's made it painfully, painfully clear that gays and bis should never even consider stepping foot out of the closet. She's gone to great lengths to make sure I know that people like me are ruining the world, corrupting children, and generally signing society's ticket to hell. She's made it very clear that I should be ashamed of myself. That's hard to fight. On some level I know that everything she says (on that topic) is a lie. But I still can't help but feel the least bit ashamed. I can't help but wonder if maybe I am the epitome of every terrible thing she's spat out. And then on top of that, I feel terrible for not telling her. Because that means I don't trust her. and she's guilt tripped me enough in the past for not trusting her that she doesn't even have to say anything anymore. Forget that she's sort of done a terrible job at being trustworthy. She's broken promises so many times in the past that I hardly put any weight in them anymore (a fact that she wants me to believe is somehow my fault). Can I blame myself for not putting much weight in "I'll love you no matter what"? "Loving me no matter what" hasn't gone over that well in the past, either. She isn't above putting other things ahead of me. She "loves me no matter what," but not enough to break up with her boyfriend after he raped me. She "loves me no matter what," but not enough to say so when I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Being suicidal was my fault. Being depressed was my way of manipulating her. It was something that I just needed to buck up and get over. I imagine being bisexual is the same. My brother came home from the Navy yesterday. I can't even stay happy enough to spend time with him. I'm here, locked in my room, crying. I just want to walk up to my mother and say "Hey. Mom. I'm bisexual. Society didn't make me that way. It isn't because I have gay friends, or because there are gay people on TV, or anything else. I was born this way. God made me this way, and I doubt he has a problem with it. I'm not a liar. I don't cheat. I don't steal. I'm a person. A human fucking being. I have a heart full of love. And a heart full of pain. Because you've spent so much time teaching me that it's not okay to be myself. You've taught me that the deep, unchanging parts of myself are terrible, corrupted, unhealthy, and wrong. You've taught me to hate myself. But you know what, I don't hate myself, and I'm not going to. You can think whatever you want of me, mom, but I'm a goddamn person, a pretty decent person, and I'm proud to be me." But I don't have the guts to do that. Instead, I lay here, counting the days until August 18th, when I'll leave for another city in another state and will never have to come home again. (I didn't know where to put this. Sorry if it was better off anywhere else.)
(*hug*) I’m sorry she’s put you through so much!! It isn’t right or fair. Hope things go okay while you are waiting on leaving and that things are even better after you spread out on your own. You say you are not going to return after you leave. Are you planning to leave her a note with your very well-written coming out to her speech?
Thank you. Your well wishes mean a lot. I didn't consider leaving her a note. It's a good idea. I might do it.
Damn, thats really bad. I totally get how you feel. I pretty much feel the same way too. There's little advice I can give you, other than to wait it out. Leaving may very well be the right thing to do. I agree with leaving an explanation; if nothing else, she deserves the truth, and a chance to change.
I feel bad that the only thing I can think of is leaving. Like I should have more confidence in my mother. As of now I don't feel welcome in my home, with all the intolerance oozing out of the vents. But I feel bad for not having more faith in the idea that, once she knows that her homophobic marks are directed at me, she'll stop and embrace me and all that. I don't know. :sigh:
Leaving seems to be what you want, which could be one solution for emotional turmoil. To me that means less tension when working out the rift between the two of you, if you go that route after or whatever. Just my opinion of course.(*hug*)
From what I read, she doesn't deserve your confidence, or your trust. You seem like a good person, despite what you have been through, and that is amazing to me. You are alive, you are yourself, and despite what anyone says, you will always be who you are. Do not let one person ruin that for you. Yes she may be your mother, and yes she may have raised you, but what you do is your choice. Who you are may not be, but whether you accept yourself is up to you. Do not let anyone make that choice for you.
