Okay, I used to be a nice person, considerate, caring. The whole batch. But ever since I came out and started getting bullied, I have shut down all social aspects about myself. Now I treat people with a defensive hesitation. I can't make friends. I don't react to anything. And the other day this guy I like talked to me, and he was radiating happiness. And I just cried, 'cause I realized that I am no longer like that, I FORGOT how to be like that. All I know now, is just some douche who does not show interest in anything, at all. I fucking hate myself, I must sound pathetic saying all this but I need help, and I can't go to a shrink or my homophobic parents, I don't know what to do. Now days I lock myself in my room and do nothing, I just lie there. Help me. Please.
First of all, you are not an arsehole. It is quite logical you will act like that, when you are getting bullied. Not to make assumptions, but it sounds you have some signs of depression. is there a school counselor you can talk to? for the rest it are small steps. one day at a time. For example go talk to that boy. I hope this helps
I concur with wildeflower. See if there's maybe a school guidance counsellor to talk to. I realize they often deal with school stuff but you'd be surprised how often they can be helpful in dealing with personal issues. And you don't even need to bring up your sexuality if you're really uncomfortable. Just saying you've been feeling depressed because you've been getting bullied. If the school's a good one (or at least the administration), they'll jump on the bullying fast.
I would not say that you're 'an arsehole' at all, by any means. What you described sounded similar, sort of, to what I've gone through in the past. Granted, I was 2 years older at the time, but still. First of all, you say that you've come out, and have been bullied. Don't let other people's negative words and actions get to you; they come from a place which isn't nice or respectful. I know that might be difficult to do, but in my experience, you just can't let it affect you. They don't know who you are, and they don't have the right to treat you that way. With that in mind, hopefully it's easier to ignore the bullies. I'm certain that you can make friends. That boy you mentioned could be a good starting point. It's possible that he wanted to cheer you up, as well. Right now, I'd say that positive things and attitudes are what you should try to surround yourself with. You mention having lost interest in everything, as well as hating yourself. I felt the same way 2 years ago, for likely both similar and different reasons. I suggest that you confide in someone, or some people. It could be a school counsellor (This is usually a nice idea, but I'm not certain how tolerant your city and school are, specifically), or it could even be people online, on this forum. It could be that you're depressed right now. I don't like to think of depression as a mental disorder, though. Instead, I just see it as a prolonged state of being sad and such (To be honest, I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe a similar view would help you out, though? I dunno.). Anyways, I feel much better than how I did in the last few years. I bet you'll feel the same, too, as time passes. =)
When I was being bullied, I shut down socially too. People would say 'hi' and I'd pretend I didn't hear. I was just expecting everyone to attack me. When you're in that situation, you do what you need to do to survive. But know that it can get better over time. I made a friend a couple years back in university, my first real friend in ten years. For awhile, I got along OK with little kids and adults, but was terrified of teenagers (even when I stopped being a teenager myself) but lately I've been even getting along OK with many teens, especially ones who are dealing with being outsiders themselves. Don't get down on yourself. The bullies are doing more than enough of that already. Do what you need to do to make it through this, and focus on healing once you're out of there.
You aren't an asshole! You're just going through some tough stuff. I do the same thing with gay men. I've felt so ignored by them for so long that it's definitely changed my social actions toward them (which sucks.) it's even creeped in for other things, too. Don't feel bad - get some help. Talk to your friends or conselors. It is a very typical reaction - you are "normal."