Hi all I am so over feeling so confused. My head is in a constant whirlwind going back and forth whether I am gay or bi. Ever since I can remember I've always wanted a wife and kids but the more I think of it it may be what I have been programmed with. I'm 27 and only started experimenting with guys last year but have always had an attraction to guys since I was in my teens. I even came out a few of years ago but due to a few things people said the anxiety took over and I took it back saying I was confused. I had come out without even being with a guy or having any gay friends. I even had a one night stand with a girl a couple of weeks after that as I had never been with a girl either. Maybe that's why I was confused. Even after that tho I thought straight away what it would be like to be with a guy. I'm pretty sure I'm gay but in denial. All the signs point to it and they are clear but don't know how to take that next step in fully accepting it. I've been with a couple of guys in the last year and I love every aspect of it. Especially kissing guys is a major turn on. It's small things that family and friends say to me like u need a woman or when are you going to get married that make me second guess myself. My mind at the moment is in a constant battle. Am I gay am I bi what do I really want will people accept me? Then I see an attractive girl and I can't pin point what the feeling is. Whether its one of admiration or lust but I know whenever I see a heterosexual couple my attention is always on the male. Can anyone relate to this?
I can relate a small bit, at least to your sense of being pressured to find the opposite sex attractive and have a relationship with one. All I can tell you is that you have to be your own person. Your family, your friends, society... none of them own your life. None of them are you, and you can't let them act like they are. However you feel is how you feel. Whatever you want is what you want. You don't want a woman? You don't have to. You want a man? That's alright! I think it will be much easier for you to pinpoint your sexuality if you try to let go of your fears of being rejected by anybody, if you lose your fear of letting your family down, if you lose your desire to please the world. That's hard. Really hard. But I think once you accept yourself as being responsible only to you and as having a right to happiness wherever you may find it, you'll have a much easier time of labeling and accepting how you feel. I hope you can sort though your feelings, James. And remember that no matter what, you are loved. (&&&)
For people who don't have their sexuality doped out yet, it's not unusual to want to "jump to the end". "I want to know what I am so I can just get on with things." But there's nothing wrong with having "not sure yet" be your sexuality. If you think you might be gay, why not just run with that for a bit? If you're not ready to come out to anybody yet, that's fine, but come out to yourself. Assume you're gay. Look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" every morning until it feels comfortable. Allow yourself to (surreptitiously) look at hot guys when you're out and about. Watch gay porn if you like. Fantasize about guys when you masturbate. And when you're done, don't immediately shower and pretend it didn't happen, or start trying to analyze how excited you were compared to last time you thought about women, or anything like that. Just allow yourself to sit there smiling for a bit, because solo sex is still sex, and sex kicks ass. Eventually, more pieces will fall into place. Lex
