14 year old son

Well, porn is porn. If you feel as parents you would have an issue with him watching straight porn, gay porn should not be an exception. That's a double standard.

That said, he's also a 14 year old single male who's discovering his sexuality. He's already discovered porn. I don't think many talks now will get him to stop, nor will outright blocking him from doing so. He's a teenager, he'll find a way around it if he wants.

Maybe have a talk with him to let him know the effects of porn and to caution him from other unsafe online activities (ex. camming with strangers).

 

^^This.

I'd suggest that you don't tell him that you know that he's been watching porn (hetero or gay that would be awkward to have your parents talk about that), but instead phrase it along the lines that you know that around his age that people start watching it etc., but make sure he knows that it can be very unhealthy etc.

In a different conversation I'd then , as you have both agreed to accept him no matter what (massive props to you by the way ), make sure that he knows that this will be the case no matter what. I really wish my parents would tell me that they'd be OK if I was gay, it would making coming out to them so much easier.

Just treat any activities you wouldn't want him to do if he were straight with the same attitude, and everything will be fine.

Hope that helped and I am sure other users here will come up with more advice for you, but I wanted to add my two cents!

 

First, about porn and teens, to me every parent needs to have a conversation with their sons and daughters about porn -- its not real, it can be unhealthy, it can lead to false expectations. Plus what ever else is important to you to say.

Because unless you live in a world without internet, wifi, laptops, cell phones, or iPods, all a kid has to do now is point their device at the sky and the world of porn is open to them. Even if you install every parental filter at home -- there are hotspots everywhere with unfiltered access.

So you need to believe your son will have access, even if not at home. Its a darn weird conversation to have! Do your best.

Now about your son... many of us here, whether we're 15 or 50+, knew we were gay early in life, at 14 or even earlier. It's quite possible he knows he is gay. And its quite possible he's figuring it all out. Your boy is who he is, and you will love him no matter what.

Don't push him to come out. Watch the things you say that might be homophobic. Those things that relate to LGBT people that you can be affirming about, say so openly. (that's actually pretty easy with so much news about LGBT issues on the air).

I am quite sure my 17 year old son is gay. He has not said anything. His mother and I (we're not together), to make it clear that we're open to LGBT issues, and open to whatever brings our kids happiness.

All the best! Regardless of what happens in the next few months with the US Supreme Court decisions on LGBT issues, the lives of teens coming out now will be so markedly "normal" compared to just a few decades ago. Its indeed getting better.

 

Yep. Porn is porn and trying to stop him from watching it won't work. If you feel uncomfortable with him watching it, sit him down and explain to him why that is so (I don't suggest you admit to digging around his browser history).

At the end of the day, you're his parents, and you choose how's to parent him. But I stand firm by not trying to categorize porn- it's all the same.

Now, on the topic of the chance that he's gay. Don't walk up to him and demand to know if he has a thing god boys. Let him come to you, but make it clear through your support of LGBT issues and general accepting attitude that when he's ready to tell you, he shouldn't fear it.

 

My only advice would be that it might be easier, if you plan on having an honest talk about porn, if it comes from the father. There's no doubt it'll be awkward, and facing both parents at once might make it worse for your son. I'd much rather have been confronted by my dad, but we never had that conversation. But hey, I'm not a parent.

And also tell him, in a separate conversation like ReyJ pointed out, that being gay is totally cool with you. It'll make him feel so much better about himself. And that should be from both parents.

Good luck to you though, with whatever happens. Way to support your son.

 

First the disclaimer: I have no qualification to talk about the effects of porn on a 14 year old.

However, being realistic: porn is out there, and your son is not the only 14 year old viewing it. And it's not a new problem. When I was 14, I remember vividly locker check days when many boys would race to their lockers to make the Playboy pictures vanish before the teachers came along.

I think what the others said above me about a neutral, general conversation about porn is the best idea.

Like The Dude said, this conversation might be a lot easier and more comfortable for all if it comes from the father.

Like others say it's a good thing to make it clear that you are accepting of gay people, but don't push your son. He will tell you when he's ready. He may not even be sure himself yet--he may well be in a questioning phase.

 

I think that the best way to deal with the gay issue is to perhaps bring up the two cases before the Supreme Court this week. Perhaps at the dinner table, or leave the news on when your son might be around. Then when the same sex marriage issue comes up, you could just simply say (in his presence) "I'll be glad when this issue is finally resolved, so that gay men and women can get married just like everyone else, because they ARE just like everyone else." And not even look at him for a reaction, just let your comments speak for themselves. There are many ways to make him feel he is ok and welcome to be who he is.

The porn issue is a tricky one. I agree with The Dude, one parent only involved. When it is brought up, it should not be mentioned that it was "gay" porn, simply porn, or one could just say sex content, not for under 18 year olds.

Like "the sexual content is not really appropriate for boys under 18 years old." This could be stated, and then the subject dropped.

 

Completely agree with all of this ^^
I've had an experience where my dad confronted me when he found my gay porn magazine when I was 14, it didn't go down so well. In my case, I ended up closing off from him but now we're good. I'd say have a talk with him but be as understanding as you possibly can.

 

I dunno what to think about this. Technically it's illegal for 14 year olds to watch porn, so I don't think anyone should be endorsing it. But it's probably equally as useless to invest great, serious effort into blocking porn from him.

 

ill start off by saying your a mean dad your kid is really lucky.

personally im not sure after watching a Penn and tellers bullshit episode on porn if it really does any harm at all.at least Ive never been presented with a good argument that it does.and as long as you way up the issue with what you believe to be in the interests of your sons well being.{if you intervene or not} you are being responsible as parents.
as for your son being gay i wouldn't push him to be out.but focus on providing him a environment in which he would be comfortable with coming out.show support for gay rights ect.its pretty tough coming to terms being gay.and letting people know we are is even tougher.show him love and give him time.

 

A lot has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I'd just want to add two things.

If you have access to his browsing history, you can assess how often he watches porn and when he started. If it's been a steady usage for some time already, then what I'm saying is not applicable. But, if he just started, say a month ago, then it might be just the excitement of novelty. It could happen that in a few more weeks he will find it less and less interesting. If that is the case, bringing the topic up now would, in my opinion, be counterproductive since it would essentially be punishing curiosity and shaming him at the moment when he's confused about it already.

The second thing I wanted to point out is that, apparently, you are great parents. Without hesitation, you are accepting him as gay (if he is) and are trying to find out how to best help him. So I assume that you have raised him also to know he has the right to an opinion, to have the right to have his voice heard and to respect people. Seeing that that's who you as parents are, it would be almost impossible for the child (at 14) to be different. So I'd dare to advise an active approach. Others have mentioned saying in front of him that you think gay is ok. That's fine. But why not include him? In this whole big story about the USA Supreme court, ask him what he thinks about it, directly, openly, as you would about anything else. If he says he approves, give him that approving smile and say you are glad he's such a person. If he turns cautious, pensive, if he starts feeling uncomfortable, then go on simply saying "I can't believe in this age we still have to have such discussions" or something like that. So, what I'm saying is just, try to get him involved. Maybe you can even ask him to give you his arguments for gay rights. To be able to say that to his parents and to be met with approval could boost his self-confidence enormously.

 

Dalmatian's last paragraph is well worth considering.

It stirred up some memories of mine, which may or may not be helpful. But of my two parents, the one I got along with the best was my mom. There were undoubtedly many reasons for this. But one thing that sticks in my mind was that she was more capable of having adult conversations with me when I was a teenager, rather than just lecturing me on some topic. Being treated like an intelligent person gave me incentive to act responsibly. At least as responsibly as I could at my age.

 

First, I am very glad you're supportive of your son!

As far as the porn goes, as others have said, it would probably be very awkward to discuss and he might feel violated and extremely embarrassed.

 

It's completely normal for a 14 year old to look at porn. If he's not looking at it now, he'll be looking at it in a year anyway. The fact that he is looking at gay porn is significant because if you mention what you found in his history, it can really shock him, because he is most likely not ready to come out to you, and is probably not even certain he is gay. Chances are, he probably is gay, so just wait it out. I wouldn't suggest talking to him about not watching porn. I'm 18 and I watched porn at 14, and if I was approached by my parents I would be too embarrassed, especially if it was gay porn.

 

I would've been really pissed off as a 14-year-old if my parents tried to stop me from watching porn, gay or straight.