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Torn Between Thoughts

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kenaz, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. Kenaz

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    Hey all,

    I'd like to start out by saying that the majority of my teenage years (in fact, all of them -- up until I came out at 20) were spent living a lie, in the closet, as 'straight.' I dated two girls this whole time, one in 4th grade for a few years and one starting in 8th grade for a few years. I only fooled around a few times, but it was more out of a 'social' thing to do rather than a genuine desire.

    Now, I am 21, in the military and actively traveling, and I am open and honest to everyone -- can be who I am! I realize this same thing is experienced by so many others. I also have the impression that there is a common theme of people who first come out to be very promiscuous or with many different people to explore their newfound freedom of sexual identity. I, however, after finding out about this 'trend', wanted nothing of it. I set myself apart and told myself and others, "that's not me."

    Here I am now, back in the states. While I would love a romantic, faithful, committed relationship with someone I love -- I also realize that I am not really in a place in my life where that seems very probable or rational. I am actively serving in the military, I plan on getting out and going back to my original state and going to college, it just does not seem like the factors of such life changes on the horizon to commit to anything serious.

    However, at the same time, I still have sexual desires and needs. I feel like telling myself that I cannot go, find someone I find attractive, and perhaps even 'hook up' or enjoy each others bodies, company, whatever comes of it. I am starting to think that perhaps I should drop the 'fantasy' (?) that I will find Mr. Right, right now, and just go out, enjoy myself, meet new people, and not live in this middle ground of self-torture, that I cannot casually meet others, perhaps even on a sexual level, without a commitment. It's just not that easy, and I don't think it is warranted to be labeled as horrible on my part -- it's natural to me after thinking about it.

    When I meet others who I feel are trying to get too attached, I sort of put up a barrier, knowing that although I'd love for things to be serious and committed, it is sort of a 'pipe dream' right now with moving and college on my horizons.

    Not to say that I will go out, set upon 'hooking up', but not to rule that out either if it happens -- basically not to limit myself and look back one day saying, "Well, spent those years of youth trying to act like an adult for no reason." :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Input, thoughts, similar experiences, whatever? :thumbsup:
     
    #1 Kenaz, Mar 27, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2013
  2. LD579

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    I'd say there's nothing wrong with going out and having fun. Always *cough* practice safe play, if things get to that point. You never know, though. Maybe you'll find someone special while you're just hanging out, who knows. It doesn't sound like you're against the idea of just hooking up with someone, and hooking up isn't necessarily bad.

    As always, clear communication does wonders. Your view of things is quite mature and well-thought. I'd suggest that you keep your options open, and it sounds like you are, and just see where things go, if things go anywhere at all, and things like that.
     
  3. mojoe

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    I will chime in and say that I agree with Luthan. There is nothing inherently wrong with going out and having some fun as long as that fun is within reason, and done so safely. I will say that personally, I find simply "hooking up" to be very unfullfilling and unsatisfying. I will admit that I felt the same as you, that promiscuity is simply not me. After years of loneliness I gave in and sort of hooked up with someone. It was more or less a friends with benefits sort of thing and still left me unhappy and unsatisfied. Needless to say that it didn't continue for very long and i haven't been back to that since. But hey, to each their own right?
     
  4. AKTodd

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    As others have mentioned, there's nothing wrong with hooking up, as long as you aren't going into it with the wrong attitude or mindset. Will you meet the love of your life? Probably not (although you might or might just make a good friend). If you can live with that, then go forth and conquer. Note that 'hooking up' doesn't have to mean half a dozen different guys every weekend or the like. It also doesn't have to be your only form of recreation either.

    Realistically (and all romantic notions aside) you also aren't likely to meet 'Mr. Right' on your very first try at dating or a relationship either. Almost no one (gay or straight) does. That doesn't mean you shouldn't aspire to meeting him, but sitting chastely at home until he just somehow magically falls into your lap is also rather unrealistic.

    Once you've started college you can perhaps also start looking for a dating type relationship that might become something more and would be more to your tastes (not that you couldn't still do the occasional hook up during this period if you had the yen to). College is probably sufficiently stable for you to contemplate forming a long-term relationship. Although if a hookup in the interim happens to start to turn into something more, you also shouldn't reject it out of hand simply because it didn't happen exactly when you planned in your life. If you're wanting a relationship but are out hitting the bars because you have needs, odds are that some other number of guys are in the same boat.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  5. rmc

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    I know how hard it is to suddenly start going out... I was always more quiet for being gay, so I was never a fan of it. The thing is, it is terrible to do this thing without friends, and not having gay friends is what is holding me back. I need friends to go out, but I need to go out to make friends, that is just my dilema...
     
  6. Kenaz

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    Thanks to everyone who replied, please know that I read them all and they were very helpful. Please, feel free to continue!

    @rmc:

    When I first moved here, I didn't know anyone really, even gay friends. I just went out to the local city, got a hotel, and explored the local gay scene. I met one of the bartenders who was nice and his friends showed up who offered to show me around. Ended up getting quite a nice tour and began to meet others. It can happen outside of Facebook, you know! The world has danger in it, but in reality -- many strangers are OK to talk to and meet in person.

    I have quite a good size of friends here simply through that initial trip and it has continued to extend outward from there. Just like me and dancing and having fun in public, so to you for this, we just need to take that step outside of our own self-judgement and fear and go do it!

    Best of luck to you and thanks to all so far again! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Incognito10

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    Like AKTodd said, hooking up doesn't have to mean it's with a different guy every week or something. You could perhaps find one guy who is ok with hooking up or FWB and is willing to play safe.
     
  8. Kenaz

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    I have sort of found myself in a spot where I realize that I am only here for a short time geographically, don't have the time or energy to devote to another (work, school, and personal focuses take away that time/energy), and my current period of self-focus really leave me without a good condition for a relationship.

    I am not the time for superficial relations, so I am at a point in my life where I *should* not be concerned with such things anyways. I feel like anything sexual, to me, without that substance and deeper connection/bond is just not for me. So, I am sort of at a crossroads where I distance myself from anything more than a platonic friendship.
     
  9. QueerThinking

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    Hey man - I can completely identify with your desire for something more long lasting than what amounts from promiscuity. But I also question my idealistic fantasy of 'Mr. Right' because it often keeps me taking any action and having experiences.

    At the end of the day I think you are torn between the idea and the act. The fantasies we have about our perfect lover often hold us back from actually having the experience our fantasy should direct us towards. But at the same time, real life experience can never match up to the fantasy because we have far more influence on our fantasy life than we do when we actually engage with the world.

    Ultimately, I think it is important to live one's life, and to have the experiences which are meaningful. And a one night stand can be meaningful, contrary to what many people might believe. Short term relationships can be incredibly beautiful and powerful. Love that ends, to paraphrase Tennyson, is better than no love at all!

    I think the mistake we make about love is that we expect it to be infinite - to last forever. But it's not infinite, and it does not last forever! It cannot be, because we are not infinite! This is actually a good thing, although at first it might not seem that way.

    I've had short term experiences that were profoundly meaningful, and really beautiful, despite being short lived. And I'm glad to have had them, because they shaped my life in a positive way. These experiences were not just sexual - they were intimate connections, moments of shared space and time, shared existence. I've had short-lived relationships which affected the depths of my soul - and which deeply affected those with whom I had them. If I settled for nothing less than ever-lasting love, I'd never have learnt and grown in the way I did because of those relationships.

    That being said, there are of course those meaningless hook-ups which leave one feeling empty and disillusioned. It is important to exercise good judgement in these matters. I'm not saying just jumping into bed with anyone willing can lead to a beautiful experience.

    But what I am saying is that waiting for 'Mr. Right' - someone with whom to settle down, to build a life with, etc - can deprive you of meaningful yet finite interactions with other people. Ultimately, there will always be some pain involved in love. Even if you meet Mr. Right tonight, and you stay together for your whole lives, you will eventually part at death.

    So I think it is important to keep focused on your actual experience. Get in touch with your feelings - just sit and feel your emotions in your body. Feel where they are and what they feel like. I find that this is a good way to get in touch with your physical experience, rather than get lost in your mental life. Your physical experience, devoid of thought, is a fundamental part of who you are. And while guiding it with thought amounts to the exercise of practical wisdom, without your bodily experience you are missing out on the vital part of life: your feelings, your senses and your sexuality!

    It's of course important to have one's priorities in order. So don't sacrifice your education and work for the sake of exploring your sexuality. But at the same time, don't sacrifice your sexuality for the sake of work and education. The key is a balanced life. Finding the balance may require making some mistakes. But I'm sure those mistakes will be ones you ultimately celebrate since they help you find a way to get as much out of life as you possibly can.
     
  10. Kenaz

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    @QueerThinking

    I must say, bravo. Awesome post, thank you. I am sure others who stumble upon it will want to thank you, whether they do or not, as well. :wink:
     
  11. QueerThinking

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    @Kenaz

    It's only my pleasure! I am glad that I was able to touch your life with some words, because I really can relate to the way you feel. I hope that you manage to open up the possibilities you're looking for (*hug*)