Hello, it's been a long time since I wrote here so the problems kind of piled up. I am currently and lately rather sad, bordering depressed and suicidal, and can’t even think of where to start writing. Might prove logical to start with family. I live with 2 younger siblings, brother and sister and my parents are expecting another one. Our financial situation is bordering poverty and my parents talk a lot about moving out and living with other family members, which live in other city’s meaning that I would have to change high school in 4th grade. How would it be possible for me, to make friends with a class of around 30 people who know each other for 3 or more years now, have already grouped together and have tons of jokes only they, as a group understand? I couldn’t, that’s the simplest explanation. That would probably cause me some more complexes and give me a few more mental medical conditions to those I already have. That aside, my mother changed 3 jobs in the past few months and the current one she will be able to hold for 2 more months before her temporary contact expires. With a baby on the way, poorly paid jobs and tons debt to the bank they are at the edge. They fight much more than they used to and even the slightest things upset them. You can probably see how that affects me, my constant mood swings and why it’s the reason I try to spend least time possible at home. Oh yea, they recently turned from normal Christians to those super hardcore one, which is a bad thing because they blindly follow what bible says, for example that being gay is a sin. I want to come out to them but this just makes it severely harder. I have never been close to my dad, simply because our points of interest are worlds apart so we never found anything to talk to. Recently I heard him, firmly claiming that homosexuality is illness. Except that is brings me down, makes me feel trapped and alone in this dark world it constantly reminds me that coming out would either mean that I need to start looking for a place to stay or searching for the closest mental facility so I can know where I will end up. Simplest solution, I kill myself, parents have one less mouths to feed, they never find out about me being gay, and I can’t care anymore. Having no dreams or hopes for the future it would be easier to commit such an act then live a life of agony in which I daily wonder whether or not it’s worth getting up from the bed. Plus I found extremely cool date to do so. My birthday. Sum of numbers in that date is the same as sum of numbers on the date of my birth, only the year is different. And what better way to add to symbolism then the fact that it’s my 18 birthday which is jubilee in this country. I think it’s better to die alone then to live a pointless life that way. Out of my 17 years of living I have been single for two weeks total , two girls, both asked me, I replied with yes without thinking, we dated for week in which we never even saw each other, then the girl got sick of me and broke up. Can’t be blamed, can I? I never showed interest for them because I couldn’t feel attraction toward girls. So yea I kind of gave up the whole girls thing but the problem is that there aren’t any gay guys here, at least not those openly gay, or those who ask you for video sex after just adding you to facebook (It happened, I refused). But anyway there is this one guy who I admire for a long time, even before I was gay. He is the only person in this world who inspired me and who keeps on doing it. I have been in love with him for almost a year now, we even kissed twice at some points and exchanged tender moments, making me believe that he felt the same. Long story short, I don’t think he does, maybe once did but no longer. He recently began hanging out with this one girl, who is a lesbian with serious commitment problems. She had a girlfriend, kept cheating on her everywhere, got mad once her GF cheated, made a fuss and who knows what not. Point is, he is to smart not to see that she is pulling him around out of boredom yet he does this thing not one of my friends can explain, and neither can I. That girl has this famous quote of hers “I can cheat, they can’t”, obviously only spits on people behind their back, never said something nice about someone if they weren’t present, is selfish etc. I’m not trying to make her seem bad, in fact she has good sides too and is my friend, I’m just trying to point out that she is not a good person regarding dating or anything sexual. It’s hard to be around those two. Anyway I have some friends but that’s falling apart at the speed of light. Previously mentioned one changed after hanging around with her and EVERYONE is sick of them. Other friends slowly split, we still hang out though, and everyone prefers to call my brother rather than me. Friends in school tend to avoid me etc etc…. Point of the story, I’m that gay, weirdo, nerd, otaku, artist, sitting in a crowded place and yet managing to be alone. Just about no one has ever shown interest for me. On parties with friends I am that one guy that gets left out of conversation partner if the number of people is uneven. Heck even if it’s even one group will just form out of 3 people and I still get excluded. As if I do not exist, as If what I say is of no relevance, as if the world wouldn’t notice me missing. And that’s what I face daily, the fact that I was born to spend the life in solitude, taking shit from everyone and confining my feeling. I seriously have no idea how all that can stay inside without me going insane or berserk. I fear that one day, I’m either going to kill someone, hurt someone or kill myself, third being the preferable option. I guess this is the way I’m letting those emotions out, by writing 1000+ words, hoping that someone would read them and say something nice. But this is like the 7th time I’m doing this so why do I expect a different result? I don’t think that I really do, I just have no one else to talk to. It’s just that recently I haven’t been able to see even one bright side of life, hell, it is pitch black and I really wonder how much longer can I withstand this despair before snapping.
Hi there! Wow. Your situation sounds really difficult. But I see you as really strong for how you are dealing with it! Some of the things that are getting you down, like your financial situation and your parent's religion, is out of your control for now. I think that must be really difficult. I also came from a religiously conservative background, and my family was also homophobic. It hurts to hear these things, especially when you are not out and don't have a solid support network. But I want to tell you to hang in there! Focus on the things which make you happy. For me it is playing music and studying philosophy. If your art gives you a way to express yourself, focus on that! You know, the way you describe yourself as makes you sound like the kind of person I would love to be friends with, or even date! Gay, wierdo, nerd, otaku, artist guys are the best! Straight, normal, boring, white-boys, aren't very interesting... Don't give up on reaching out. Be persistent in showing love to those who you want to show love to, even if they reject you. You can only control the way you interact with others. And so if you are loving, respectful, friendly, and kind; and people are assholes back to you, then they are wrong not you. Be the kind of person you want to be friends with, and if people are not your friend then they don't deserve it! I know it's hard - but the friendships that are worthwhile, and the friendships that last, are the ones based on honest interaction. You can't control other people's actions, you can only control your own. And so if the people around you treat you badly, or do not deserve you, then you should rather let them go. Be the change you want to see in the world! While you may have to persevere alone for a while, eventually you will form relationships with other people (friendships or lovers) and they will be much more real than the ones you have now. Good friends are hard to come by, but they will come by eventually! Hang in there bud! You're stronger, more powerful, and more beautiful, than you think you are! (*hug*)
You have a way with words. Really your post made me feel a lot batter and it was quite logical as well. Philosophy suits you. Thank you for reading all that and answering so fast
Something about this post... I haven't felt so closely in sync with a post on this forum in a long while. I understand soo much, you have no clue. I've felt everything your feeling. Lately, I've come out of that dark place and things have really started to brighten up, but it wasn't easy getting where I am now, I wish I could just put in words all I have learned and gone through to come to this point in my life. You're NOT alone, I can promise you that. QueerThinking made some amazing points, so I won't add anything else specific, but if you need someone to talk to, you can always post to me on my wall, I just really don't want you thinking that you have no future for yourself, because I felt the same way, and things have already changed so much. But really, if you want to talk just post on my wall ^_^
Hi Kuroi. I'm glad to see you around again. Having someone to talk to is always helpful, so, it's a good idea to use a place like EC when you need help. Especially when you start feeling so bad that you are even considering suicide. Although, I am also aware how one can lose all will to write and to actively search for help. In any case, I'm happy to see you back. So, lets look at this one problem at a time.. I believe in analyzing situation and looking at problems as independent issues. When combined, they can seem overwhelming, but one by one they can be very solvable. Even more importantly, it can stop those panic attacks you might otherwise get. Your family's financial situation must be hard. I can understand your position; it's not easy to live in Croatia at the moment. But.. as far as I can see, you are not talking about your personal money problems. That shows your responsibility and understanding of your parents' struggles. That's very nice of you, but you should try to tone it down because of yourself. You are not responsible for earning for your family; if you lived in countries such as the USA, maybe; here, you can't. It's completely out of your hands and as long as you are not making it tougher for your parents (by irrational demands or the like), you are doing your part. Your parents are doing their best; they seem to have managed so far, they now have plans to make it work further; so, trust them to do the right thing and don't fret over it too much. It's not your battle to fight. Then, moving and changing school. These are two different issues. When it comes to school and new people, you should really not worry about that. I understand what you are saying about being the new kid; btw, I find it sweet that you are openly talking about that. It's nice and cozy to be in a familiar environment, but the change brings its own fun as well. In any case, you are in the final grade; you only have two more months of school, so it doesn't sound probable that you would move in that time (that's how long your mother will still work, right?). Even if you did, your parents might leave you to finish school where you are now. How far would you move and have you discussed school yet? Also, this autumn you are starting college anyway. You'll be meeting new people, which to many is the best part of college. Suddenly, you will meet hundreds of great new people. They will be eager to get to know you as well, they will need new friends as well and many of them will be gay There's a lot to be looking forward to in your life. The move itself.. Now, depending on where you are moving to, this could be a bigger problem. It could mean you will not see you friends that often anymore, including that guy you had (have?) a crush on. That could hurt. However, in just a few months you could be back in Zagreb for college. Seeing that you will have three younger siblings, you should get your place in the dorm and probably the state stipend. What are your plans for college? I mean, seeing the level of your English alone and the style of writing, I assume you'd do well in college. Religiosity of your parents. You were quite active here a few months ago, so I assume you read threads of other people dealing with religion and homosexuality. The consensus seems to be that Christianity and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive; actually, that goes for almost any religion, including Islam, but Christianity already has relatively strong “versions” (I'm not sure if they can be called denominations) where gayity is not considered a sin. Ok, the Roman Catholic conservative views of croatian priesthood are not the accepting ones, but that also is changing. The official standpoint of the Church now is that homosexuals are equally valued members of society, brothers to all men (needing help, though, but hey, at least they don't think we should burn). So, things are changing. It's not hopeless. Also on religiosity; your parents are, I guess, finding some relief from their current problems in the community provided by the church. That's also out of your hands and shouldn't give you too much grief. Next, your dad's views on homosexuality. How many gay people do you think he knows? Is he equating gays to people such as “Modni Mačak” and alike? You know very well that what people think about homosexuality almost always comes from ignorance. Two years ago we had that gay pride parade in Split and there were people throwing stones at the parade. In the following days the sentiment of the nation changed from “get gays away from normal people” to “who the hell has the right to throw stones at anyone?”. In just a few days, the feeling of importance of providing security to anyone swept through the country. In my eyes, that was a huge victory, although being gay in Croatia is still not comfortable at all. Your dad is in this regard in the mainstream; but, the fact is that the mainstream is changing direction itself. It is likely that your dad will accept you fully with some time. In the meantime, if you don't think the time is ripe, you are under no obligation to come out to him. Suicide..... what I want to tell you on this one is precisely what you said yourself. You believe your eighteenth birthday to be a good day to do it because of the symbolism of that age in Croatia. So.. what is its symbolism? It is the age we, as a society, consider to be the end of childhood, the age at which a person becomes the full-rights member of the collective, the age at which you are considered to be starting your own life, making your own decisions. One, do you really want your first adult decision to be a game over one? Two.. you are becoming an adult. That means that whatever you were growing to be is now beginning. You would be giving away your life precisely at the moment it is starting, not having lived a day of it. Decades which are before you, maybe even a century with today's medicine, would be destroyed because of temporary difficulties. I'm not saying these difficulties are nor real; it's just that there's so much time ahead to make everything work. Don't go that way, please. You are also talking about not being happy with you past relationships, or the lack of them. Well, of course you weren't satisfied with having girlfriends. I never had a girlfriend; I never wanted one. So what. Having a boyfriend, though? You tried, the guy wasn't interested. That's ok as well. It hurt, sure, but it happens. See, I didn't come out to myself till I was about 27. You did it at sixteen. That's huge, that's truly amazing, to me at least. You are not late at anything, you are not missing out on anything. You have so much time to make it work, because you know what you are after. Yes, gay guys in Croatia are not out much, but you are out to your friends and you will be able to be out to new friends as well. It only takes one mutual friend to connect you to a gay guy, even those who don't advertise their sexuality. In a few months, you will have many, many new friends who can be gateways to gay people. The thing about joining in in conversations, in being active in any social situation and to enjoy yourself is to open up to people. It's not about being gay or a weirdo or nerdy or otaku or artsy; people love all those things. It's just about how you approach them. Of course, if you are gloomy, can't find a way to discuss irrelevant things or have no patience to listen to other people's stories and problems, it can be hard to find someone to talk to. You are allowed to feel all those things, btw, that's really ok. In such situations your friends will let you be, because you show that aura of wanting to not be disturbed. When you are depressed, you feel the need for people, but you also feel the overwhelming energy drain of social interaction. That's fine. You just need to recognize it and know it's temporary and that your friends are also waiting for you to be the old self again. Hm.. I feel as if I just threw a ridiculous amount of text at you, without saying anything of relevance. Still, I hope it helps a little. When you write things, people do read. And we do care. I've been checking your old threads and I'm sorry to see that one of the first ones, when you wrote a lot about yourself, remained unanswered. It's not so this time (and with the new organization of the site, it shouldn't happen anymore, hopefully). You always have someone to talk to; there are some great people here. Whenever you wish, send me a message. And keep on posting; you need to get these things out and you need to see people understand and care. Despair is just a product of the inability to see options, to view things from a different angle. Here you can get that different angle. Just stick around.
Hi Kuroi, your story makes me quite sad and also angry; whenever I read about people considering 'being gay' an illness.. What a lot of non-sense. I hope you find some help on here from us replying to you and saying that you can write more if it helps you, or post individually on the wall. I fully agree with Dalmation that:' despair is just a product of the inability to see options'.. Well we can discuss various options with you, give you hope and support and maybe your 18th birthday will be a little bit happier?
Oh, I just wanted to add, but forgot in the message above. Sometimes when we fall into these pits of depression, anxiety, despair, all those wonderful things, sometimes it's hard to find the energy to actively participate in a conversation. I think people here understand that. Now, I might be completely off the target here, but I want to cover the possibility: don't feel any need to respond to anything. I'm slightly worried that I've drowned you in text That's there for you to maybe get some relief and consolation from, not to push you away from posting; on the contrary Just sayin'.
I don't know what it's like in high school in Zagreb, but I know I went to high school here in Canada for grade 10 (15 years old) after being homeschooled from grades 7-9. I did get the feeling many of my classmates knew each other before, but not all of them did, and those who did know each other weren't averse to making new friends. I managed to make a couple friends there, though my own personal issues at the time kept us from getting very close. Now, it was totally different in when I switched schools for grade 5 (10 years old). There seems to be a developmental tendency for kids around that age to be really cliquish and exclusionary. But they outgrow that to a large extent as they get into later adolescence.
