Lately, a lot of negative thoughts have been surrounding my mind and I cope well with it by browsing EC and hanging out with friends. But it just doesn't go away and I'm afraid of getting worse. Currently, I have lived overseas to attend university for about 4 years and have only been back to my country and family 2x during the period. The f.i.r.s.t 3 years I was laid back and being in the closet was no big deal, but recently I came to realize that I'm graduating soon in 3 months, I'm still in the closet, I have no job prepared for when I graduated and I might have to go back to my country for good if my visa is not granted (I want to live here as my country has no tolerant towards gay people). From there it leads to thought, "I don't have gay friends. I don't know if I will be able to look for a relationship with someone. I want to live here but I don't have job yet to support myself to live alone, etc." All these starting to affect my performance in university as I have been slacking and thinking that I think I chose the wrong major for my degree in that I am not enjoying what I'm doing. But most of all, I am really depressed that I don't have gay friends/boyfriend to talk with. I have read alot of people around my age here saying that they longing for relationship which is my situation right now. I'm in a conflicted situation where on one hand I'm thinking that I want to start entering "the scene" to come out of the closet, but I'm scared to go alone and I've been known to be a shy guy. On the other hand, I want to suppress all these feelings in order to prioritize myself on graduating and getting a job f.i.r.s.t, but I know that I will be lonely all the time. I have distanced myself from the people I came out to f.i.r.s.t and now my only friends are straight and I can't talk anything about this to them. TL;DR I started to realize that I have no plans for my future, I'm in the closet, I'm depressed because I have no gay friends/boyfriend and this depression affecting my performance as I'm doing my last semester of my university (most important time).
You might want to try getting a work visa, if you haven't already (maybe that was what you were referring to when you said 'visa'). Also, have you looked / applied for jobs? Maybe you might land some sort of job... I don't really have much experience with working out of my home country, so I can't be much more help on that front, and I'm not even sure if my advice applies to you, so I apologize in advance. This sounds like an important time for you. I'd suggest trying to keep your grades as strong as can be. Also, about your friends... It surely wouldn't hurt to contact them, would it? Reconnecting with others can be surprisingly easy, but you'll have to show a renewed interest in your friends more than just once or twice when / if you hang out. Finally, it might not hurt to come up with a 'contingency' plan. If you do end up returning to your home country, and you continue wishing to go back to the country you live in currently, when would be the next time you could go? If you do end up going back 'home', I'd suggest that you keep on applying for residency / visas / whatever. And in the mean time, I'd suggest that you work and such... As for coming out of the closet and boyfriends and such... There's nothing wrong with not having any gay friends. I don't know where you live and what your friends / city is like, but it sounds like they'd at least be accepting (I could be wrong). Straight friends can still relate, at least to some degree. Does your school have a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) or some sort of LGBT+ kind of thing? That might be a first step for you. You could also meet people there (friends and more, as possibilities). Finally, as for your major and all... Maybe you could try to find some sort of twist / spin to it / your potential jobs? For example, if you like helping people, you can still find ways to do that even if your job was related to computer things (Ugh, bad example on my part). Or maybe you could try to find some job and just... raise through the ranks? This is probably unrealistic / not fiscally optimal, though. I hope others can give you more definitive advice. I'm sorry I can't help you that well, but... Well, I'm just a kid, practically.
Much on your mind, for sure. I'll echo the others -- work hard on your courses, work even harder on landing a job in the US. And -- its never too late to go to the LGBT center at your university or in your area to meet people!
Thank you all for the response! just to add a bit more details @Luthan: about my friends i mentioned, I came out to them but inconveniently about 2 weeks later they accused me of immoral behaviour and although they mentioned how supportive they are to me, I feel betrayed. Well, in short, one of my friend who slept in 1 room with me (there are 3 of us) told me that he felt like I was trying to touch him while he's half-asleep which clearly I could not imagine to do (1. they're my friend, 2. it's disgusting, 3. I'm not even attracted to him). At first I thought they were joking until recently when I have the feeling that something's awkward and I confront one of them (who is on my side). Everything's awkward between us, they pretend everything is ok and they did not apologize is why I distanced myself. It is also why I went back to the closet that is I could not risk exposure if I were to join GSA at my university. Oh, and you were spot on my major has to do with computing @Pete: I'm currently in Australia which is definitely more accepting than my home in Southeast Asia. I do hope if I could land a career and build from there in order to go to US.
