Hi, so, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I want to know what other people's experience with this is.... So, a little background information: I don't like giving out my exact age, so I'll just say I'm under 16, but I definitely look older than I am. Last spring, my parents opened up a restaurant/bar. It's in a rural area, but insanely popular. There is a full bar, but most people that come in are young families. This summer I was there helping out a lot. Just bussing tables, refilling sodas, taking out the trash, just little jobs like that. Usually people are pretty respectful, but every once in awhile, especially around rodeo season, a lot of cowboys will come in. And they get absolutely drunk off their asses. Or else an old man comes in and thinks it's fun to fuck with the female servers. And usually, that means messing with me too. This summer, I had countless creepy older guys (there's one in particular that really creeps me out) and drunk cowboys tell me I was "sexy", or try to touch my ass, or even worse, tell me they'd give me a tip if I would smile for them, or go "talk" to them. There was some guy that grabbed me and told me he wouldn't let me go unless I gave him a "pretty smile", and he really, really, wasn't going to let me go. But the situation that made me feel the most physically threatened, like I was actually going to get hurt unless I just went along with these guys, was once when I went to take out the trash, and I had to walk through the back patio to get to the dumpster. There was a couple tables out there, and a group of about 5 drunk guys. Something seemed a little...odd when I first went through there, but I just took the trash to the dumpster and ignored it. But then when I came back through, one of the guys tried to grab me, aggressively, and pull me to the table. I got away, but they started asking me how old I was, and calling me baby. Before I could say anything, they started guessing my age. I was too shocked to really say anything, but one guy said, "what are ya? 16?! That's old enough for me!!!". I really don't know what they were all hollering at me, but it was all just REALLY aggressive and intrusive. Eventually they shut up and one said, "We'll come back when you're legal". I was just so shocked I couldn't say anything and I went back inside. Then, when I told someone about it, she told me I should be flattered. That really shocked me the most, that I was expected to be flattered! I was actually scared, not flattered! Now I know other women have experienced much, much worse, so I do think my experience is relatively insignificant, but it still scared me then, and still when I think about it now. So, I guess what I want to know is, what do you say in a situation like that? Really, just any (harassment) situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe? I know, at least for me, I can never think about what to say or do in the moment, I just want to get the fuck out of there. And I think it's also difficult, since these people are customers, and usually locals, so (apparently) I'm not allowed to offend them too much. And (apparently) a well deserved slap, "FUCK OFF!" or "PERVERT!' is offensive. So yeah, how do you deal with it? And also, I've noticed that when I tell people about it (especially men), they tell me it's my fault. Because obviously the way I was dressed, the way I was acting, or whatever else, was forcing them to harass me. And, not that it should change anything, or make it any more acceptable, but I don't walk around half naked or anything. I actually dress like a guy most of the time, but it still happens way too much. Does anyone else experience this: being blamed for your harassment, I mean. Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so long. But if anyone wants to add anything, experience you've had with harassment, how you reacted, how other people reacted, whatever, feel free to post it. I think it's good to know other people are in the same boat....
This is far from appropriate behavior, so customers or not go right ahead and throw out the idea of tiptoeing around them. Your safety is more important than them feeling offended. Have you told the manager on duty/your parents since this is their place? I imagine these jerks are harassing others that are customers. If you see them stay away from them. That person who told you it is "flattering" behavior can deal with them if she thinks it is so cool. Any cops come to the place to eat? I’d mention this to any of them, especially if you feel they are trustworthy. Don't let it get brushed away as "harmless", it scares you it is not harmless. What those men are doing is assault. Even just the vile filth leaving their mouths is assault. Be careful!! (*hug*)
Hi, and thank you. (*hug*) Sorry it took me so long to get back to you... Well, the thing is, last year my mom's business partner, I'll call her E, was in charge of most of the front of the house stuff. My mom and dad run the kitchen, and E tried to make absolutely sure they could have NO say in what she did up front. Yet she was totally incompetent, and just a terrible server, manager, hostess, bartender, whatever she tried to do, she was terrible at it. Because she was mean to everybody, and she has no organization skills. So, needless to say, she's not there anymore. Now my parents run the front and back of the house, and things have gotten so much better. But, back when E was in charge, she would NEVER deal with harassment, unless it was happening to her, in which case the guy that did it would never come into the restaurant again. So she's actually the one that told me it was "flattering", and she would tell that to anyone else. And she's the one that told me I couldn't say or do anything when it happened. Even when a guy who my family knows pretty well came over to where I was sitting, and right in front of E, grabbed my waist and told me I looked "sexy". Everyone was just horrified, but when I slapped him and yelled "PERVERT!", E looked at me like I had done something horribly wrong, then later told me I can't do that to a customer ever again. I think her logic is/was that since it's such a small county (under 3000 people), if you yell at a guy who's being creepy, rumors will spread that everyone at the restaurant is a bitch who will yell at you. Which I get, but the people that spread and believe rumors like that are the people you don't want coming in in the first place... Anyways, I've tried to tell my parents too, but usually they're so busy cooking there's not a whole lot they can do. And unless they know that the guy I'm talking aout and he's a known creep, they'all say I'm making it up for attention (that's pretty much what my mom says about everything....) and they won't do anything about it. Usually the only people that will do anything are the servers, and they'll take care of everything around that table so I don't have to go near them. Cops do come in sometimes, I don't know how trustworthy they are necessarily, but that's a good idea to tell them. But, I do think now that E is gone, the new manager will actually deal with people who agree being gross. Also, there's this one guy, the guy that called me "sexy", and like I said, he's kind of a family friend, but everyone knows he's a creep. His wife is super nice, it's just he is absolutely disgusting. He always tries to touch me, an pretend like it's just a nice thing, when really it's just gross,a and he knows it too. And the worst is when he always tries to tell me I can go stay at their house, and it's always for weird reasons where I really wouldn't need to stay at their house. And I know a lot of people who live in the same area that I would much rather stay with anyway. And he's tried to get me drunk before too. I was at their house with my family, because their awesome, amazing friends from Berlin were there. So we were over there, and this guy just forces me a full glass of wine. My parents are fine with me having a small glass now and then, but this was a huge glass of wine. I told him I didn't want it, but I would like some water, and he told me to keep the wine. I drank a little bit of it, but he kept refilling it every time I took a sip. Even when I put my hand over the glass, he would take it from me and give me more. I kept telling him I didn't want any, but he wouldn't let me say no. Finally I was so pissed off, I pretended to trip getting out of my chair and threw wine all over his face. He's done that before to. If I ask for water he'll give me a huge glass of wine and insist that I drink it. The first couple times I though maybe he was just trying to be a good host, but when I realized he wasn't doing it to anyone else, it started to seem a little creepy. Anyways, this guy also tries to get free drinks at the restaurant or free meals, because he'll ask one server for one kind of beer, drink 3/4 of it, then tell another server it was the wrong kind and he wants a free drink. Or he'll order a $24 rib eye, eat most of it, then send it back because it wasn't cooked right and expect a refund. Or he'll say since he told a friend to come here, he should get a free meal. Basically, this guy needs to be banned. Everyone knows he's a creep, but no one will ban him. So they still come in every week, and every week I go sit in the Airstream trailer/office and hide from him, but he still tries to go out there, even when my mom tells him he can't. So, what can I say that will get the point across to this guy that he's totally being a creep and needs to back off? Like I said, I've already slapped him before, and called him a pervert, and thrown wine on him, but that just makes it worse... So, should I just tell him he's making me uncomfortable and needs to leave me alone, or should I continue to just hide from him? I'd really, really like to just go apeshit on him, but I do think that would make it worse, but, on the other hand, I can't just hide from him forever. And I really don't want to continue to let him treat me like this, because it scares the shit out of me. So, what do I do? And sorry this got so long........I should probably also not that really, maybe only 2% of the people that come into the restaurant are creeps, but, if you're serving 400 people a day, that's still 8 people that are being creepy.....
(I like the bit about tripping and throwing the wine. (*hug*)) That's good there is a new manager, hopefully that will be the big change to get those creeps out. E was horribly wrong. I don’t agree with her reasoning that a small town means even the creeps have to eat there—not unless the creeps learn some respect, manners, and are not abusers. I have a little small town restaurant experience, and at one of them they threw out this guy I knew whenever he was a big a-hole to the servers, soon banning him. Numbers should not matter at all, and if rumors happen to be spread there are so many others who know what is true and will continue coming to the restaurant. My cop idea came from a little town diner I used to frequent often. The cops were very friendly with the servers and a handful of the patrons. The guy who tries for free stuff should be easily taken care of soon enough. He seems to have a pattern and everyone will soon see he is trying to be sneaky. Now the friend. It is definitely good to explain to him that you are not comfortable with his advances and that he needs to stop grabbing you and ignoring your requests that you do not want wine (and anything else you don’t want). If he still gives you some ignore it. Don’t feel bad about "wasting" it. You were firm and told him no, he chose to be disrespectful and wasteful. It is not rude on your part. It's probably an excellent idea to never be alone with him and have some witnesses when you tell him to back off. Well not probably. I'd never let myself be around him alone. I’m sorry your parents don’t listen and that they claim you are lying. Just keep insisting, explain to them he scares you and makes you feel horrible. If possible, have others back up your claims. That guy has no right to treat you this way, family friend or not. Don’t let him bully you, he'll take it further and further until he reaches his goal. Like I mentioned, him grabbing you is actually assault. I've had a long convo with a cop about what is considered assault.
No part of that is okay. That is absolutely sexual assault and totally wrong. You didn't ask for that treatment by the way you dressed or acted or anything else and TO HELL with anyone who tells you otherwise. What happened was bad enough, but don't you dare brush it off because what if they'd taken it further? Do your parents want to really want to risk something really bad happening to you? I hope that's not the case because they should want to call the cops if the customers start getting too fresh with the staff. I understand you want to help your folks, but you only live once. If you're going to keep helping out then you should seriously consider carrying pepper spray and don't take out the garbage alone. STAY SAFE ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2013 at 03:26 PM ---------- Okay, this E guy sounds like a massive creep. You say he's a family friend? How the hell are your parents alright with his behavior? They do know what he's been doing to you and the restaurant right? Did he save a family member's life in a war or something and you guys feel like you owe him? Cuz you totally don't.
Okay, so after reading everything and concidering the situation, I can only suggest to you to get something like a pepper spray at the very least because if anyone needs one, its definitely you, since you work a lot with drunk customers. Because I don't think you're getting enough attention from your parents (possibly because your still young?) and I'd even suggest going to some kind of self-defense course because if you get into a situation like the one with the garbage can and the men almost raping you, it's really important to show them that you're not taking any sh*t. I don't want to enduce some sort of violence but if the perverted family friend or ANYONE, for that matter, tries to touch you in the wrong place, spray them in the face with the spray (which I urge you to get, look around, self defense with most means is allowed in the states) and loudly accuse them of being a perverted pedophile, it's really important that you make a real scene about this so people can see the sh*t that this guy is doing. Now you may be worried that this might give a bad reputation to your restaurant, but I'd rather have them tell around that the owners daughter don't take no crap, because imagine what would happen if word gets around in the pervert scene that there's a defenseless young lady working at a locale? You'll just get more of those guys. If it hurts the business, I'd honestly concider (if I were your parents) what's more important. Money and good business or my baby girl? I hope I could provide some insight. I'm not endorcing you to violence, I'm just urging you to never ever be afraid to defend yourself. That's something my parents taught me, almost nothing in this world is more important than your safety!
I feel so bad for you. You should NOT have to go through this. I'm glad to hear that you see their stupid comments as being very degrading. It shows that you have a lot of self confidence, unlike that dumb previous manager. Have you ever told your parents about this? Have they just been oblivious to it all?
