One of Dublin Boy's threads reminded me of an incident that happened to me but I thought it'd be considered bad netiquette to write about it in his thread. When I was 19, I could still not admit to myself that I was gay and for some reason, ever since primary school, I've always felt this need to convince others (including myself) that I could be interested in boys. So after being chatted up by a few men throughout my life, I'd decided to take this one up on it and go out with him, after all I would eventually have to have a husband and have sex with him, or so I thought at the time. I was on my own in a big city, away from home for the first time, not knowing anyone there. I went out out with him very late at night. He wanted to take me to a very deserted place but I refused to go there because there were barely any street lights in that area, so we went to a bit less shady part of town but it was still very deserted. Anyway, it's a very long story so I'll try to make it as short as I can. The more time I spent in his company, the more uneasy I felt about him. I knew what he really wanted from me was sex but I went out with him anyway, so it was partly my fault. He didn't exactly hurt me but I was very uncomfortable with him touching me and thought he was a bit creepy as well. He kept holding my hand, sat me on his lap, kissed me on my neck,etc., and kept staring at me in a way that made my skin crawl. That was also the night I've made out for the first and last time with a man. It was terrible!! It felt as if the world stopped moving and I couldn't hear, see or feel anything, except his tongue in my mouth. I wanted to throw up. I started to dissociate from what was happening to me and saw myself from above as if it wasn't my body anymore. He didn't seem to find it nearly as disgusting as I did and I tried to disguise the fact that he made me want to drown myself in the river right then and there. Although he didn't hurt me, he seemed a bit put off and acted weird after I refused to let him kiss me for a second time. I was pretty sure that's not what he planned for that night. After I got home, I freaked out. That was when it hit me just how bad the situation could've gotten. He could've killed me, he could've raped me, he could've kidnapped me. I didn't even know him. All I knew was his name and phone number and that he was *only* 7 years older than me. I thought he looked well over 30-35. I kept seeing his face in front of me whenever I closed my eyes, or didn't. I had flashbacks for over a week, which made me feel really stupid, after all people who were raped or had much worse things happen to them had flashbacks. Not girls who were kissed. That whole experience made me very confused and angry with myself. I'm fine with it now (but I'd like to think it never happened). Since then, I could not stop wondering how so many people can love kissing..That's still a mystery to me. Thanks for reading and I hope I didn't bore you to :sleep: or made you think I need :help: or that I'm an idiot.:bang: Did anything like this happen to you? Had mild PTSD because of a traumatic kiss? Also, can kissing feel good, at all? I've never been too keen on it but now I'm positively terrified.
Maybe it wasnt the kissing itself but whom you were kissing? It sounds like you pretty weirded out by him in the first place, I imagine that you'd have the same feelings towards kissing him. Maybe you should try kissing a girl.
Wow. Please never do that anything like that again. Yes, you could have been raped. Thankfully you were alright.
There is a girl I'd LOVE to kiss but it's probably never going to happen.:icon_sad: I don't think I'll ever like french kissing, though...
No evora, you would have been quite welcome to have posted it on my thread it is quite relevant to what I was saying, we should never take risks like this, the outcome could have turned out pretty bad, like you I could have been raped or murdered, it was a bad judgement call Thankfully we both managed to remain safe, but this should definitely be a warning shot across the bow to other EC Members that want to meet up with people who are strangers or who are new to them, I agree with what SpitfireXSoarin said "kissing someone you are not attracted to, would be such a turn off" especially as you are Gay, kissing is enjoyable, especially with the right person, you will find a girl that you want to be with & the kissing will be both enjoyable & special (*hug*)
My self esteem was very low at that time so I wasn't too concerned about my well-being. ---------- Post added 7th Apr 2013 at 09:46 PM ---------- Thank you!(*hug*) You're all very kind on EC.
