Needing general support at this time

so yeah, the title pretty much says it. it's only been recently i've been strong enough to truly admit to myself all these feelings and urges and it's been fairly troublesome since than. it's good that i came clean with myself after so many years but now that i did all the repressed stuff is boiling to the surface. it's making me feel even more alienated and messed up then ever before.

the emotions can be so painful. the last few years of my life i've made alot of headway into finally developing into myself. mainly from accepting i'm bi-polar and need meds and finally getting into college the value of which cannot be under-estimated for me. these paved the way for me to grow even more but now i find myself at this painful place.

for the longest time i repressed it just calking it up to me being the very strange person i tend to be, but once i allowed myself to admit it... it's been messy. i used to think there was something wrong with me, that i was sick somehow. i blamed myself saying because i had a psych history and was raised by a single mother i became wrong somehow, that it was a sign of my sickness that i didn't fit right and i was weak for not wanting this body or what comes with it. but i kept hiding it and now i have to deal with it but it's very difficult. i know no ones perfect, i know all the general psychology tricks we as human beings play on ourselves since i'm a psych major but it's lonely being this person i am. walking around not matching or fitting and just generally not making sense.

i know in time with patience and effort things will get better but the end destination seems so.. remote, all the while i'm left behind misshapen.