A guy I like and I want to let go of him...It's also causing other problems

Please forgive me for the length of this post, I just need to vent. Also forgive me please if this is the wrong place to be posting this.

So, there's this guy that I've liked since last semester. Last semester in the class that we had together, he seemed flirty with me, especially since every day he'd end up lightly 'kicking' my feet once, twice or three times in the class, since he sat behind me in his desk.

Well, ever since I got some responses to a similar post on my old account here I've tried to let go of him, even though I don't know if he's gay or not and I'm not going to bother to try and figure it out. I'm still trying to let go of him, but I can't.

Anyways, that's the first part of this post. The second one is about the problems that *he* is causing for me.

I like him a lot, mainly because he's incredibly handsome and he's taller than I am, which I like. But it's causing some serious self esteem issues for me.

I become jealous of guys that I like for a few reasons, and I'll outline what those things are for me (in this guy I like) and why it's making me feel worse about myself.

• According to statistics, he's probably straight. It seems that I only like straight guys because I'm into masculine guys, just as I'm masculine myself.
• He's taller than me and this causes a couple of things for me to be jealous about.
  1. I'm very short and am not proud to be short. I'm 5'6" and most people at school are taller than I am.
  2. I hope I'm not going to get called out for this, but penis size is another factor. Penis size is associated with height and having big feet. He's tall and got quite sizable feet. I can only assume he's got a large penis which makes me feel horrible about myself. And the fact that he's straight makes it so much worse for me.
• He's good looking and I can't have someone who's good looking because that's just not how it works.
• He's a football player. I just found out yesterday. I don't know why, but I'm jealous of that because it makes him all that much more attractive.
• He's highly intelligent. I regard myself to not be very intelligent. The way I see this is because he's in all -1 classes (say it like dash one or dash two) or AP classes and I'm -2 in everything but math, which I'm -3 in. (I don't know how High School works everywhere else, but here in Canada a class' difficulty is marked with -1, -2, - 3, or -4, with 1 being the hardest [Aside from AP which is waaay harder] and 4 being the easiest.)

The fact that this is happening is causing some serious self-loathing thoughts. I know it's okay to be gay and I've previously accepted it but I can no longer accept it. I now hate myself for being gay since it makes life just that much harder.

I've also got depression. It's not the trauma induced version, it's the actual chemical imbalance in my brain. It wasn't a formal diagnosis, however. I just believe I've got a chemical imbalance because talking my problems through or doing therapy does nothing to get rid of this depression and my mom's also got a formally diagnosed depression. Since I take after my mom in pretty much every aspect I can only assume that that's been passed down to me.

These feelings that are being provoked are causing suicidal thoughts. I honest to God (Yes, honest, not honestly) want to die because I'm gay and can't have the guy that I'm absolutely infatuated with. As a matter of fact, I feel that I'll never meet the guy that I think is perfect. I've got fairly low standards as to what my "perfect man" is, all I need is for myself to find them attractive and for them to be as tall or taller than me, not an asshole and not stupid. Those thoughts come from the fact that gay people are hard to come by aside from the Internet. I still really want a boyfriend because I feel terrifyingly lonely, but I know deep down in my heart that I'll be lonely forever.

What makes things worse is that I also find myself to be physically unattractive. Being short is one thing against me. The rest doesn't really need to be described because you already know what I'm talking about.

There is this guy in my design studies class who I do like and who may also like me back, but I've learned to never take it the way I want it to go because it might not turn out that way. Not only that, but I know that, no matter how much motivating you wonderful people (that is not sarcasm) try to do I know that I'll never get the guts to talk to him, so I guess I can say I'm pretty much done with life.

To add to all that, I've also got a pretty bleak outlook for life, but that's a whole different story.

If you've read this far, you are the best person known to mankind and for that, I thank you.

Please, I need help! I don't want to tell my parents or a councillor!

 

Wow...Thanks for that, that really did make me feel a bit better.

I guess I should talk to someone, but I'm not sure who...Maybe a gay friendly therapist that isn't going to try and "convert" me (when it's actually impossible)?

It's just that life feels so 'empty' for me...I'm too scared to tell anyone else that I'm gay even if I know that they'll accept me (such as my mom. My sister is a lesbian, just for the record, but still, I don't feel I can say anything) and being lonely sucks...Like really sucks.

I guess I have to try and talk to that other guy I do like. I'm kinda starting to realize that we've got 'connections', meaning mutual friends.

 

I guess you can say I'm extremely impatient. But thanks anyways.

---------- Post added 13th Apr 2013 at 12:22 AM ----------

Well, the main reason I'm panicking over height is because I've been 5'6" for literally 3 years now with literally no change. But, I guess I don't know, right?