I haven't been depressed in a while.. I've been on medication for years. ever since I started my sophomore year of high school. I'm now in my sophomore year of college and I feel like I can't take it anymore. not suicide. no. I'm just tired.. I don't have the answers for my life and I'm tired of it. I can't stand being depressed. maybe I'm lonely. maybe I'm depressed because I'm still in the closet. I'm tired of pretending to be this straight guy I'm not. I can't tell anyone. not even my best friend. only this one boy knows... and I really like him. sadly I don't think it's going to go anywhere. I feel like he ignores me sometimes, and I try to not bother him. I know he has feelings for me, he's told me before. idk.. this is all just running together. I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to right now and I just needed to vent. I feel like crying but I can't. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss of emotion and words. my brain is on overload and it can't take much more.
i felt the same way about a month ago, but I think I'm over it now. I actually talked to my brother about something completely different other than what was bothering me. Somehow though, the advice he gave helped, even though it didnt address the main issue at hand. You gotta find someone to talk to. What if you were to go talk to that boy? maybe not about reciprocating feelings back, but just in general as to what you are going through right now, and can he relate.
I talk to him when I can, usually daily but not for very long. He's been busy. And I can't really talk to my best friend about this (sad. I know) because they don't know. But that's why I post here.. I love you guys and you all always seem to help.
I can tell you this right now hun, I know the depressed feeling. I have been depressed since I was 4 or 5 I believe and I am now 14 years old. I may be young, but I also get the loneliness and tiredness. Tired of not having answers. Tired of being lonely. Just plain tired. I can relate. Now, have question. You say you are tired pretending to be this straight guy you aren't, yet you can't tell anyone. Why is that? I'm just wondering because it may help out a bit to know why. About this guy. You say you feel like he ignores you? This may not help with the whole sad part, but maybe he does. Because he is scared of something. I don't know. However, he does know about your sexuality. I know you said you talk to him daily but not for long. Maybe ask him one day if you guys could talk for a bit. When you guys do get that chance, tell him how you are feeling. He could be helpful, even if he can't fully emphasize. I wish you good luck, I really do.
You seem better off at 14 than I did. I was a crying emotional wreck. I can't tell anyone because I'm severely afraid of rejection. It's not a good excuse, because I know that's part of life and the risks you take, but it's a big scary risk I don't like. I know I'm depressed because I'm tired of hiding, and it's literally taking it's toll on me now. He's the only one that knows I'm gay. He's pansexual himself, but I think he leans more towards being gay. We've talked.. sexted, things like that. He's a really good friend, but just lately I know he's going through things, and I'm going through things, and it's tough. Maybe he doesn't mean to ignore me; if he even is. Maybe I'm just overreacting. It's just been a rough few days. I haven't been this depressed in a while. Today I drove 20 miles away just so I could be alone, and I wrote a letter. I don't know what I'll do with that letter.. or who it's to, but I wrote it. It felt like I was writing a suicide letter (but believe me.. I wasn't). Ugh. Just.. don't know.
I am not better off. I promise. I just push down everything until I explode. Rejection is not a good excuse. Yes, life is filled with risks, including rejection, and it is okay to be scared of it. Hell, who on this site, or in the world for that matter, isn't? However, life is also filled with rewards, most from taking risks. This is a risk you have to take. It may or may not get better for you, but a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders. Even if family and friends don't like it, you still have us on Empty Closets to turn to. Once you come out, you should feel free. Free to be yourself. Not just a part of yourself, your whole self. Even though you guys are both going through things, you should meet up or something. Help each other out. Even if it is just being there. Also, he might not be ignoring you. If, as you say you guys are both going through things, he may just have a lot on his mind. So, don't worry on that front. Just keep texting him and talking to him when you can. Talk to him. Talk to someone. It should help with your depression. Keep the letter though, you never know. Something to look back on. Good luck!
Thanks. I'm definitely feeling better today. It's kind of up and down, but for now I'm good. Just too many thoughts, and not enough room for them. And I do want to come out and have this lifted off of me, but I'm just waiting for the right time. I get a panic attack just thinking about it, but I'll be alright. I'll get over that. I'm glad I have EC
