Okay, so for a while now (a few months), I've not only been coming to terms with the fact that I'm bisexual/lesbian, but also that I have elements of genderqueer in my gender identity. Up until recently, I've been really excited to meet other lesbians and get some dating experience and the whole shebang, because I'm 20 and to be honest I feel like I've missed out up until this point. I came out to my very close best friend, who I happen to have quite deep feelings for (I didn't tell her this) and she was really supportive. But then, later she went back on this support and told me that after speaking to her mother who is a doctor (she is from a strict Christian background and is very ignorant in her views about homosexuality), she came to the conclusion that she doesn't think I'm gay, just confused. I got super offended. We had some 3-hour long IM conversation about it and the argument just got really cyclical. But above everything, my parental background is exactly the same, and I've been raised similarly (not as strict but still), and part of me believed her. I got so upset at her because what she said threw my world around a bit. I felt like I didn't know what real relationships or coupling was, and that I was making a decision from the wrong place in life. I'm a virgin, I've only ever had one boyfriend, but I've had quite a few crushes on guys. They were always really ridiculously good-looking and thus arrogant (I have been pretty shallow in my past, and never really fall for guys' personalities at all, kinda only view them sexually *shrug*), and for me, being genderqueer meant I didn't really know how to present myself, and a lack of confidence around them didn't help either... so you know how that goes. The only guys I've ever kissed have been ones that I regret kissing, and most of them were when I was drunk. I've never gotten close to a boy I actually like. So to be honest, it was wrong of me to come out to my friend as gay, I should've said bi or been honest about it being a little ambiguous with guys at the moment. Right now I feel a bit lonely, I thought that because I've gotten close to girls I like (my friends), and I've wanted to be with them, I thought that exploring my feelings with girls would be more fruitful. I don't know many gays as I haven't been out for a while, and I'm going to more and more groups for that around London and at my university. The weird thing is even though I've felt more attraction to girls, I've never kissed one or asked one out or even been asked out. The girls I've liked have always been my friends, and so I've had to repress whatever brave feelings of coming on to them that I've had. I've never met a girl at a party and kissed them or whatever normal people do. And that bugs me too. I feel like maybe I'm not good enough for anyone I like. All these girls I've liked I've never actually done anything with, and I've grown up thinking I was straight, so going up to girls and trying to get to know them better at bars and clubs etc feels like I might be just trying desperately to make something work that just won't naturally. Plus, that whole "wear whatever makes you feel sexy and confident" rule for lesbian bars bugs me too, and I reckon it's got a little bit to do with my relationship with being genderqueer. Whenever I went to straight clubs at university or wherever, I'd just try to look as comfortably straight and comfortably feminine as possible, and as a result (I reckon) I'd get with guys I didn't really like - I wasn't really being me. But then who am I supposed to be when I go to these lesbian bars? I don't feel like I look good as just me. Loads of questions, I know, but if you could help that'd be great. A lot of things are swimming around in my head when it comes to these social situations.
