Where do I even start

I apologise in advance, this is going to very long but the truth is, I have no idea what I am doing with myself, I’m extremely confused about how I feel and everything just seems like I am stuck forever. Please forgive my lack of coherence or confusion.

So, I guess I'll start a few years ago with my general situation to give some context. My parents divorced after over 20 years of marriage (mum wasn't happy at all, and dad was/is a bit of a jerk and isn't great at showing emotion) The divorce wasn’t *messy* on the surface, but I know that there was a lot of childish behaviour/spite going on that my sister and I didn't see (or tried not to see) After living together in a house (all four of us) for a year where the relationship was basically over, and everyone was pretty miserable, mum finally got out, and I stayed with dad (partially because I had nowhere else to go, also because I felt some sort of duty to him to stay and make sure he was at least trying to move through it)

In the end, dad and I had a pretty bad relationship while I was there (I was essentially waiting for mum to get a house, she was renting at the time), we didn't talk much, and never did previously, so it was two guys sharing a house. Towards the end he had pulled himself together a bit and had started dating (and is now with his girlfriend)
Mum found a house and I moved in with her and my now stepdad (then boyfriend, married the in the last few months) and it was alright, I don't really get along with my stepdad, we have a mutual respect but have different opinions (which is fine)

To cut a long story short - I ended up leaving mum's for about 6 months and moving in with dad again (and his girlfriend/partner) which didn't work out so well - I got kicked out so that his girlfriend's daughter who was still in Canada at the time would have a place to stay when she MAYBE arrived in a month or so and moved back with mum (and still am here) Basically my living situation has been pretty unstable for quite a long time now, and currently I’m trying to find a place I can rent so I can at least try and have some semblance of my own space and stability (I’m not exactly raking in money, but I do have cash and will get a part time job if I can find something suitable)

At the moment I’m a university student in my final year trying to get my degree done.
My family (on both sides) is ethnic. To my knowledge, no one else in my family is gay or bi-curious (I’ve got about 15 cousins and many more in extended family). The expectations on me from one side of the family (dads) is very traditional - I’ll get married, move in with my wife and have 2-5 children while bringing in the money for my homemaker wife who will work for three years while we are in our first few years of marriage before moving into the homemaker career. On Mum's side, it’s not so bad - everyone is quite forward thinking, if I was to come out to the family I’d be accepted (relatively) easily (as far as I’m aware) and in a few years they would probably be making jokes about me being in the closet for so long. So in terms of family acceptance, on one side, I’d have mostly open arms, on the other I’d be greeted with draconic ideals and be shunned by the extended family (or so I assume) while my immediate family would likely mostly stop talking with me (Not that we talk anyway - I don't really like them or have much to do with them other than seeing them on Christmas and Easter). I've also not spoken to my father in about 8 months (after he kicked me out) as I’ve generally had enough of his bullshit all around and since then the stress levels I have been dealing with are a lot easier to manage.

The thing is, I've been in a relationship with a girl I met in first year uni for nearly 5 years now and I’m incredibly confused about my sexuality and how I feel about her. We do have a physical relationship when we see each other, but in the past few months (and this has happened sporadically over the past 5 years when both of us have been at uni during semester) we don't see each other more often than once a week, sometimes not even that, assignments willing. When we do see each other, we talk and generally have a good time, we don't have any problems in the bedroom together, and I can be intimate with no issues.

But I’m attracted to men. Very attracted to men, so much so that I get infatuated over them and have to hold myself back from making physical contact with some of them in public.

From the stuff I’ve read on these forums the situation I’m in is not new - guy has been with girl for a while, guy wakes up one day and finally stops lying to himself/comes out of the closet to himself and then doesn't know what to do about dealing with girl who he still has feelings for/cares about and doesn't want to see hurt.

My problem is I don't know if I am gay or bi or strait and just trying to find an excuse for myself to be different/lie to myself. I've got no problems being attracted to my girlfriend, and I am attracted to beautiful women in a similar fashion, but I also feel the same when I see a guy that I find attractive, or talk to a guy who I become attracted to. Due to this, I’m fairly sure that I’m bi, however I've never had a relationship with a guy that’s more than close friends (although I really want to - more below), I guess I'm trying to hide from myself because of my family tradition/upbringing (which is another common occurrence from what I’ve read) While I would probably be accepted on my mum's side, the idea of ever revealing to them what I potentially am scares me too much, I know my mum will support me, but the judgement that I think I will face from everyone else would be so intense that I don't know how I could deal with it.

The other big problem is, I’m pretty sure I’ve started falling in love with a guy from uni - as far as I know he's strait (and he's currently got a girlfriend of 1 year+) but I can't bring myself to stop hanging around him/spending time with him/ invite him over and talking to him. I'm trying to find any excuse to spend time with him, and spend time at his place, or have him come over here. Last week, he came over to watch some movies with me and I ended up getting drunk/getting him to drink so that he would stay the night. We ended up sharing my bed (as we don't have a spare bedroom or couch that's not in the middle of everything) and I was so happy/excited that night I couldn't really sleep because I was too busy spooning him.

I feel like I’m cheating on my girlfriend and don't know how to end it - my entire family knows her and is well acquainted (ethnic family + 5 years’ worth of Christmases/birthdays/Easters is a lot of face time) so if could even bring up the courage to try and talk to her about how I’ve been feeling, the judgement that I would face from the family after this would be so massive, let alone the added news that I’m also gay and tempting guys to my bed with alcohol.

Last week I almost broke up with her, she came over and asked if I still wanted to be with her, when I saw the tears, I caved and I don't know if I could face it again.

Please help me, I need advice on so many things, Am I bi? Am I gay? What do I do about the guy at uni who I can't keep myself away from? How do I handle my family? How do I handle my girlfriend, and am I being cruel because I’m trying to figure out who I am and potentially putting her through more pain depending on the result? Staying at mum's house seems like the best thing for me to do, as its stable here and I'm cared for and loved, but I still want independence, and moving out is the right move in that regard, but is that just me trying to run away from all of my problems?

I feel like I’m in the darkest closet, with no light to show me out, and with so many traps everywhere to pull me into the wrong direction.

Near
22/Australia

 

Thanks a lot for your insight. I've been thinking a lot about what my actual orientation is, and will keep doing so to try and figure out where I sit. I do have sexual attraction to women, and likewise to men.

 

Could someone please move this to the general support forum, I think based on everything I'm asking about, its more suited there.

 

does no one else have any advise for me? I feel really lost and have no idea where or how to try and fix everything that I've got going on. I'm going to be seeing the guy from uni again tomorrow and we might be spending the night together again, I'm really scared that I will keep falling for him.

What makes it worse, is that even though he's straight (Or at least, I assume he is) he doesn't pull away or try to stop it when we're sitting next to each other and our arms/legs are touching. This excites me so much, especially because I view this as a sign he might be at least bi-curious, but both of us are in relationships (even though I'm in a precarious place with mine - I wouldn't do anything with anyone else unless I had broken it off with my girlfriend)
This behaviour (as well as not minding sharing a bed with me, and being a bit of a flirt) seems to suggest he at least wants to play around - maybe he just likes to play with peoples feelings? Either way I'm falling for this guy hard and don't know how to handle it, or how I would handle ending it with my girlfriend of about 5 years.

 

So this guy is coming over in like 10 minutes, and he's going to spend the night and we'll share a bed again. I am hoping to find out at least if he is bi or just super super comfortable with who he is (based on all the contact we've had this far)

I still don't know what to do about my living situation or my girlfriend.