I'm not even sure what it is I want to say really so I will probably just rant, but there is so much emotioon pent up inside me right now that I need to get out. I feel so scared somedays, but I'm not even really sure what of, maybe it's that my parents don't know anything that I've been thinking, feeling, doing recently and I am almost certain that my Dad at least will not be happy, and please don't say that my parents will be fine with it all and still love me cos I'm the same person because that doesn't really seem very true right now and I'm sick of hearing that they will not care when quite clearly they will, trust me on that. Add on that the most enormous crush I have ever had maybe because I am finally admitting that yes it is girls I crush on and no longer hoping in vain that one day I will be like my friends and finally some guy will walk into my life and everything will be great. But she confuses the hell out of me, someday we talk about everything and anything, other days there is this huge enormous gap and we won't even be able to say hi to each other, it drives me insane, because if she didn't care at all I would just walk away, but that is so obviously not the case that I can't just do that. It makes me mad but then when I say things like that to her, I feel like a whiny little girl and then apologize and take it all back. Because even though I feel like my life is falling apart I still want to be everything everyone expects all the time, and I hate letting people down. And all my friends are happily paired of loved up, moving in with their boyfriends and I still fill like I'm stuck at secondary school, with a mental age of 15, it's like everything other people did at that age, all those feelings and confusion are hitting me now because when we were all that age I just wasn't interested in boys, but not ready to admit why so I just blanked it all out.And I find it hard to talk about serious things so my I joke around trying to make out that I am perfectly happy, because after all I came out ages ago s why would it still bother me, why did it even bother me then everyone else had known for years, in fact they thought I was wrong to go around sleeping with men, that I was using them to try and prove something, no no I wasn't trying to prove anything because I din't think I had anything to prove. I just wanted what they all had.I didn't want to admit that every time someone made a gay joke about me or questioned me, a little piece of my confidence and belief in who I was chipped away, so now that they were all right a little part of me hates them, because how is it fair that they knew this huge part of me before I did. I hate that I didn't get a choice in this, I hate that so much, because it feel like I lost a part of me. I hate that I still doubt myself because hey I haven't actually slept with a girl so maybe I'll get into bed and it will all be wrong, but it also feels like I have my V's again and I don't want to waste that this time, I slept with a guy I didn't love and wasn't really into because I felt pressured the first time, not that I didn't have a choice or anything but just thought that was what was done. So I could go out and pull someone at a bar, have a quick one nighter and know for sure, but I don't want to so I can't rule out the doubt til I'm with someone I love/ really like which makes it harder because then if I am wrong what do I say then, sorry I didn't mean to lead you on but your totally not what I thought I needed. If you manaaged to read all that and make any sense from it then thank you so much, I don't know what advice I'm looking for but I just needed to get it out,
I think you just needed to let that all out. I hope it was cleansing for you. Anyways, yes, I did read it all. It really just sounds like you're more fully coming to terms with your attractions to others, and accepting it, too. In a way, it could be said that your friends came to terms with your sexuality before you did, which isn't a bad thing. It's much easier to call someone else gay instead of oneself. Basically... Things will get better from here. You're starting to become more true to yourself, and that's always a good thing.
Thanks, I think it did feel better to get it all out, and thanks for reading that, it's a pretty big mess with little sense in it
