Hi everybody. This is going to be a long one, so sorry for that. I am gay and I have known it almost alll of my lilfe. I live in a society that is a bit primitive and gay people don't get accepted that well, mildly speaking. A lot of people think that I'm gay, but since I'm also very artistic a person I have been able to convince almost everyone that I am simply eccentric and I have also aften made out with girls in public places like clubs or bars, so that my guy friends won't go around asking why they never see me with a girl. Only one of my friends knows I'm gay, and I told her about a month ago. She is a very openminded person and it was really easy, she hugged me and kissed me and said "I'm happy for you" with a huge smile on her face. But the main problem I have is how I feel about a friend of mine. I usually don't like it when my girl friends hook up with my guy friends, because I get jelaous and since I have a big authority in most of my social groups ( I don't mean to sound stuck up, I'm just fun and people like having me around and I'm usually the one person who always knows how to handle everyone's problems) I say that it would be bad for the group if some of them got together, because then it would be awkward and people would be taking sides after the break up and so on and so on. But just a few days ago I found out that my best friend is sleeping with one of my girl friends. And it crushed me. I have been in love with him for over 5 years and I have always known that nothing could happen, because he is straight and I always tried to keep his relationships as far away as possible from me, because I get so freaking jelaous. And now they are hooking up, we are all going out together and I have to see all of that and it drives me insane. I can't eat, I can't sleep and just the thought of them being together makes my stomach hurt, I get dizzy and my eyes get all teary... 5 years ago I was in a similar situation with another friend of mine. I lost about 20 kg. for a couple of months and I even began cutting myself. In the end I had a nervous break down and made up a stupid excuse for it and I stopped talking to him for about 6 months... And his girlfriend wasn't even in our group of friends. But the feelings I have now are twice as strong and I have to see them everyday, I can't just stay inside all the time... I don't want to go back to that place again where I look like a shadow of my former self, avoiding my friends and hurting myself. I just want to be ok with it , but the second I try to comprehend the situation I relapse and the pain starts all over again. This is the first time I'm on such a forum and I don't know what to expect, I don't want to sound needy, but please if someone has any idea how I can make it all go away please tell me. I can't afford to be destructive again. Thank you for your time.
I would try to make the best of the situation.Try not to focus on them so much and maybe more on your other friends.(*hug*)
I've been doing that for a few days now but I just can't get it out of my head. And it gets worse with each day. But still, thanks for your oppinion.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting, but please do not hurt yourself. Cutting is a coping mechanism that I used once upon a time, but it is also a very addictive one as well. Not to mention, it leaves very ugly scars behind. I think you need to find other ways to cope with how you're feeling. And if possible try to avoid your friend. It's okay to distance yourself from someone you like/love, but cannot be with in that way. I'm not sure how old you are, but try meeting people who are gay. There's no better feeling than having friends around you who can relate to how you're feeling. I've also loved a straight friend, but in order to get over her, I had to let her go. It was not easy, but it was necessary for me. I know that destructive place that you've described because I've been there before. It was during my early teens when I was questioning . And that's no way to live your life again. Because in the end, you're only hurting yourself, so please do not revisit that place. Just hang in there and try to think positive (*hug*)
As hard as it sounds, love isn't supposed to be selfish. Since your friends aren't gay, you have to not only accept that "we won't ever be together", but also accept "and they should, and will, look for relationships elsewhere". You should (however reluctantly) hope he DOES find somebody to be with. And so you'll need to really try to focus on this aspect of it. Does it suck? You bet. Can it be overcome? You bet. Lex
Thank you so much. I'm 21 and it kind of felt good, that there is someone who has felt the same thing that I have, although I wish we bouth didn't have to go through it all. The first time I felt like that was when I was 16 and still have some scars. But I don't think I can let go of him. We have been best friends for over 8 years and went through so much together, just the thought of no longer being around him gives me panic attacks. I lost a very dear friend 2 years ago and I didn't handle it too well, so leaving him is out of the question for me. And I have also been thinking about meetin other gay people, but from where I come from, gay people are nothing more that a bunch of morons who have adapted every gay stereotype they have seen on TV and believe that their only quality is being gay. I have tried talking to some of them, but I just can't stand them. I want to meet intelligent, funny and interesting people who are gay, but so far I only know of this one friend of mine, she is a lesbian, one of the most beautiful, colorful, smart and simply freaking awesome people I have ever met in my life, but that's it. I also envy her a lot because of her bravery. All others I've met are total douchebags. But still, thank you so much for your support I really appreciate it. ---------- Post added 17th Apr 2013 at 08:31 PM ---------- I agree. The weird part is, that I've always imagined myself as his best man at his wedding or as a godparent to his children. I never had a clear picture in my head of us being together. Yet I can not overcome this horrible feeling I get, whenever I hear he is with a girl. Thank God I'm good at acting and I can make myself look every way I want to, but I guess most gay people, that haven't come out yet have good acting skills. Thank you for your forwardness.
