It's usually not like me to post about my depressive states in life and ask for advice, but I could use some at the moment. This will probably be pretty long. Lately, I've been trying to cope with loneliness and sense of purpose. I kinda feel like my life is blah. It's pointless. I'm a few months away from graduating from high school and I've learned a lot; but I can't seem to apply it to my future in any way. I tend to daydream and reflect a lot on my life, wondering where I'll go next or what avenue to take. My mum, dad and my brother are all successful people but I feel like I'll let them down because my work ethic is terrible and I have no sense of direction. I didn't seem to inherit this "motivational" gene or something. Some of my indifference might be because of depression and mental burdens, and some loneliness here and there which makes me skeptical and doubtful of opportunities. To me, nothing is really worth it. Anyway, I'm going to University the following year and I've been gloating to my mother about how her son's going to be this great bioengineer or microbiologist, or an architect... it makes her happy to hear me say that, but I know I lack the ambition to do so. I should major in liberal arts or something considering my attention span (no offense to any liberal art majors out there....). I lack the motivation or drive for everything and anything at this moment. I want to roll around on the floor and not work or go to school. Become a blob of minimum wage entity. I'm also not very intelligent so I feel like I'm going to have to major in something kind of stupid because I lack serious intellect. I've took AP Biology for all of my years in high school and still bomb a test.. maybe I should work in a library or something. Not to mention that my friends and I have split. My best friend of nearly eight years doesn't really want anything to do with me, which really gets me down. Since I've come out about being trans to her, she's been apprehensive of talking to me and has been singling me out from our group/network of friends sometimes. She's been acting really strange around me, but she's nice, I mean, she hasn't said anything rude to me and has supported me throughout it all but lately whenever I talk or walk beside her, she'll get really tense and almost awkward. She's quite introverted, so sometimes she'll drop off the face of the earth for a little while to recharge.. but lately she's been doing it more. Almost on purpose. I feel bad because this is my childhood best friend and yet we're starting to act like a couple of awkward acquaintances around each other. It makes me feel a little bit suicidal because if my gender identity causes any more problems like this.. it'll take a lot for me to cope. She's obviously acting weird because of it. Regardless, I still have a few friends and a girlfriend and kind of a..support group (hardly ever go), yet I feel lonely as all hell. I don't really have anyone I can just stop over and visit on a daily basis or hang out with, so I mainly spend my weekends either gaming or working. I stay up at night and wonder why I feel so alienated and weird among others even though I have people who generally enjoy my presence. I don't even feel like socializing most of the time which is weird for me, because I'm quite the extrovert and I'm loud and infamous for my voice and laugh which can heard from 3 kilometers away. I'm becoming a really cynical, lonely, introverted, unambitious and lazy, mundane person who tries their best to get out and experience and learn new things but always feels hollow and empty at the end of the day. I've spent hours at the public and city library, reading science topics and autobiographies and looking at maps.. I've refreshed my maths skills and I've tried to hang out with people (to no avail) but life to me still feels so dull and pointless, and nobody really cares about me. I'm like a talkative, sociable loner and people only hang with me because they'd feel bad about deserting me. On a side note (haha I should stop talking by this point because this post is long as hell.) I feel like now that I'm going 'stealth' and have been dressing much more male in public, that everyone's staring at me and criticizing me which makes my preexisting social anxiety blow through the roof.. I had a panic attack when a group of guys outside of a games shop were staring and laughing about me. My throat started tightening up and I couldn't breathe. And I later went home and tried not to cry. I feel like a pussy. I've tried everything to make myself feel better. I'm involved with a group as I've already mentioned, I spent a lot of time outdoors and I go to the library a lot to refresh/challenge my brain and read more topics that interest me, and I make a decent salary for a 17 year old kid and should have some things to be proud about, along with a decent therapist but I still feel really lonely and unambitious. I feel like being a transgender male doesn't help either because nobody will approve of me or even want to hire me and I'll have problems in school and general life. This is such a curse. Perhaps these are just teenage blues and they'll go away soon, but I've felt like this since I was about 15. I'm really tired of feeling so down, lonely, and unmotivated all the time. I'm also so freaking socially anxious lately so even pursing something like volunteering or doing work to me 'feel better' about myself would be kind of a draw. I'm already becoming weird with customers at my job which I've been working at since I was 15, too (which is probably related to trans issues and how customers are perceiving me which makes me want to die in a hole). I feel really lost. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better rather than be such a Debbie Downer all the time. This was just a gigantic ramble.. but if anyone can offer some insight, I'd appreciate it. I should probably start smoking weed at this point. (Joke.)
I don't know how much insight I can offer right now, but I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're saying -- I've been dealing with depression and anxiety most of my life and feel like crap most of the time. I am sorry that you are feeling so low and am thinking good thoughts for you. I hope things start looking up for you soon (*hug*).
Thank you, I hope things have gotten better for you and if not, that they will soon. After re-reading this, this thread was a little bit more of a rant rather than a prompt asking for advice. My life just really blows at the moment and has for awhile now, practically there's nothing I enjoy too much besides music, food and sleep. I have no ambition for anything and I'm turning into a hermit since I'd rather stay indoors all day and not go anywhere due to anxiety and suicidal feelings. I sure hope as hell this clears up soon because I hate feeling worthless and shitty day after day. I just don't really know where to turn. I'm waiting to see if going to University will make my life better, but who knows.
My battle with Anxiety and another condition, which I can only assume to be Bi-Polar Disorder, has come to a head as of late. My emotions have been pretty unstable since I was 14 but I didn't think much of it until I started problem drinking and acting very much manic when I was 17. Anyways, my point is if you wanna talk i'm available. And I mean about anything thats bothering you man. I assume, similar to my own conditions, that when you think of talking to someone you second guess yourself and think "What's the point?" or "I don't want to bring them down into my rut." Just know, it's all good if you wanna chat bro.
Um.. I bombed AP bio too.but then I was staying up at night and not getting enough sleep. Trust me, university level of biology, depending on the professor, is either mind-blowing and makes you want to explore more, or makes you drown in the number of materials to know there's a number of us biology-related majors on here, talk to me on wall if you want :3 PS. for the summer between high school and college, go live a little. try to reconnect with people maybe?
