It is sunday, and the last day before school again. I sit here alone, in my room, watching anime. I log onto facebook for a quick moment, but log off soonly after. The depression is recurring once again. This will be a post about my experiences in life, current thoughts and what I've been up to. My reasoning behind this post is to vent out and share my thoughts and feelings, because I have nothing better to do currently. Feel free to read this text however you want, and I won't be mad if you leave half-way through. Not that I'll know ps: my english is not the best of all, so I apologize in advance. I have always been a shy person. As far as I can remember, quite honestly. There was always something about me that didn't feel quite right. It might seem like no big deal to others, but to me it is. At least a little. I don't know if my brain is just built up this way, but that's just how I work as a human being. To start with, I was growing at a slow pace compared to the other people in my class. This was 2nd grade I think. I didn't really look at it as a problem until my parents had me go to the hospital a few years later to check if we could do something about this "problem." The doctor prescribed us with small packets of hormone-injections. I started inducing syringes with hormones in my legs, every day up until now. This has probably been going on for 6 years. This "project" to make me grow faster to catch up with the others had me feel like an outcast from school. I decided to keep it a secret, because I felt embarrassed by it. I was shy enough to begin with, but now I had to keep a secret and feel different. Whenever I got into an argument with someone, I would start crying and couldn't help it. My heart was fragile and pale at this stage of life. But being a kid at this stage didn't make me worry about my life as much as it does now. I also got a girlfriend in 5th grade, though it was nothing serious. My friends wanted it to happen, so we both just went with it. We were together for 2 years, while nothing really happened at the time. She took my first kiss in a dare-game at my house, and I even have a diary with lots of content about her in it. I had my group of friends like everyone else as a kid. When you're a kid, you don't own those feelings and worries you do when you grow up. I wish I could go back in time or be as carefree as I was back then. But the older I got, the more worried and anxious I became. I started to come around in 7th-grade, lower secondary school. This is because I started making real friends. I was still a shy and anxious person, but I had developed a little sense of pride, comfort and self-esteem. At this stage, lower-secondary school, I had very mixed feelings. I had to break up with my girlfriend, and my sexual orientation started to develop, and there was always that little paranoid side of me who thought that my friends didn't really like/care about me. I have had 2 good friends since the age of two, and I became really good friends with another guy that had the same interests as me. Gaming and anime. I only had those 3 friends, but it was enough. I was happy. My 3 years of lower secondary school were okay. I managed to pull through because of my friends, but I started worrying more and more about life, prior to my shy sense of nature and sexual orientation. It wasn't until upper secondary school (which I am in now) that my life took a drastic turn. Starting upper secondary school was okay to begin with, my 2 friends (not the boy) rolled the same school, and we developed a new group of friends. We always wanted to expand our companionship, which happened. But later on, those 2 friends started to hang out with the group way more than they did with me, and no one seemed to care. Among the group of friends we became, were the 2 girls I have always been friends with, my ex-girlfriend and her new friend, 2 boys I shared similar interests with, and another boy that tagged along. This is where things get complicated. -One of the 2 girls I had always been friend with, became a couple with the boy that tagged along. My ex-girlfriend became a couple with a guy not really in our group, but I've known him partly since my early childhood, and he kind of immigrated to our group. my ex-girlfriends friend became a couple with the newly immigrated boys friend, and the other girl I've known since childhood is kind of having an affair with a third friend of my ex-girlfriend. So, the group I had became friends with kind of melted together, became good friends and made couples among them, while their interest in me slowly died. At this point in life, I am already very depressed, because I am still in the closet I feel abandoned and very alone. The group is still nice to me and all, but I just don't "feel" the friendship there anymore. So, I have become a loner. I am a very thoughtful person, and very philosophic if I may say so myself, and I've started to worry and think about everything in my life. My grades have dropped, I don't know if I can enter the same school next year, I've sit alone in my room for almost 3 years. I do speak over steam and play with my one male-friend, but I haven't seen him in 7 months. And he has gotten girl-problems that I have to listen to everyday, and a new group of friends. At this point in life, everything I do and feel is done half-heartedly. I know what is right, I know what is wrong, I know that I should probably suck it up and live for the better. But I've had this slight hope for years now, and it's kind of wearing me down. I love to take slow showers and just think about life, it makes me feel better. But the lack of friends and self-esteem is killing me. I have perfect health, rarely feels sick, so I shouldn't probably be complaining. But I kind of just live my boring everyday-life amongst "friends" at school that doesn't really give a damn, and playing in my dark room with a friend I've not met in 7 months everyday after shool. I try to get good grades, I force myself to be happy, but in the long run it isn't making me feel better. I'm sorry if this post was too long and boring, but I just wanted to vent out my feelings, and hope that this post might be to use for some people out there. I know it's hard, but try to always be positive no matter the case. My decisions in life has gotten me where i'm now, and I'm not proud of it. But what can I do? Thanks. ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 04:23 PM ---------- Some info that is relevant to the story: I have come out to my parents and a lot of the "friends" I had before, one of them even said: You're bisexual? so cool! I've always wanted a friend like that." But she never really cared after all. I have a brother and a sister, but have not come out to them. My sister have always had another group of friends, but now she has also immigrated to my group. They probably wont' tell her, but I never know.
You sound a lot like me when I was in high school (up to 18 years old in the USA). Even from my early childhood I knew I was different from other kids, but I didn't know how. I was also (and still am) small and weak for my age, but I was never given anything to supplement growth. During elementary school (primary school, very young), I only had one friend, who was a girl. We went to different middle schools (before high school) and so I was a super shy person alone in a new school. Because of this, I was bullied and my grades dropped once I realized how alone I was in the new school. I started playing video games instead of trying to make friends, and I missed classes because I just didn't want to go. Once my parents found out I got in trouble and started to realize the importance of going to class, so my grades went back up but I never went back to trying to be social. Luckily in high school I met other nerdy friends like myself, but we were only "school friends" and rarely had fun outside of school together. I basically went to school and came home and played video games and did nothing else. That's my story, and it seems quite similar to where you are at right now. I won't try to be inspirational or anything, but here is what happened to me once I went to my university. Maybe it will give you an idea of how things played out for someone similar to you. =) I thought that when I went to my university I would have a fresh start, but it didn't work out very well. I still couldn't make friends and found that those who would hang out with me only seemed to tolerate me. They didn't really consider me as a friend, and they thought I was weird and shy. After two years at my university of this, it was the same old story, except now I didn't even have my few friends I had in high school. I was truly alone this time. But then I finally started to question if I was gay, and once I realized I was, I thought that I could just automatically befriend other gay people. But when I tried, they too thought that I was weird and shy and they didn't want to be my friends. I became very, very depressed, because I thought "Who could want me as a friend, if not other gay people? What community can I be a part of if no one wants me?" I finally had to come to terms with who I was. I realized that I was really different from most people, not just because I was gay, but because of who I was. My personality is different, my priorities and principles are different, and my life goals are different than most people. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion (that I will never fit in), but maybe hearing it from me will help you. Come to terms with who you are and how you are different from others. You don't need to worry about adhering to the same expectations as everyone else. If you truly don't fit in, then you are indeed a unique person in many ways. You need to become confident in what you like to do and forget everyone else. Then you will find those who are truly important to you and those who actually could like you for who you are. I listened to optimists who tried to tell me to have hope, that I would one day fit in. I wish I had never listened to them, because I found their claims to be false. Now that I know that I cannot fit in, I embrace that fact. I am separate from most other people. Better than them in some ways, worse in others. But now I don't have to worry. It was the worry that was killing me and causing my depression, not the loneliness. Perhaps this is true for you too. Sorry if my reply was overly long - I thought I'd be as detailed as possible, since I think we are quite similar...at least based on your story!
Your story was not too long at all, it actually made me smile. Not directly because the things you wrote, but for taking your time to write this to me Having an open mind and believing in yourself can be very hard, but we all have to try our best. There are days when I enjoy my life, like the days where I play with my male-friend over steam. But there are days where I'm more depressed than usual. Like seeing the group at school, feeling ignored, or just thinking about my life, feeling that it's heading nowhere. I also know that I shouldn't try to be rude or annoying to my group of so-called "friends" at school, because that won't solve anything. And I've been told that I can sometimes whine too much about things, but I can't help it. I feel like I have no one to express my true feelings to, therefore such things happen sometimes. Some people say I should go to a psychologist, but I feel like I have the strength to keep myself standing, and I don't feel like I need it. All I want is someone I can be truly open towards, that understands me and likes me. That I can hug and cry with. Someone like that won't appear out of nowhere, I know that. I should probably make the best out of it and stay positive. But it isn't easy.
That reminded me a bit of myself. I've been a loner for about ... 5 years now. Met some acquaintances here and there, some which I may talk to online once a month or so at best, but still remain alone all the time. I've always been "different", because of the way I process information, because of my priorities, personality, etc. I still managed to make friends (somehow) from primary to secondary school (high school equivalent), and although we'd hang together and sometimes go to parties together, I've never really "fit in" and I had trust issues, so when high school ended, we've pretty much stopped talking to each others. The last "friend" I recall talking to was back in 2010, and it was a purely coincidental meeting where the discussion lasted maybe 5 minutes top. I think it was also around high school that I started to develop depression as well as a feeling of detachment to the world around, which still persist today because I find (wrongfully) a level of safety in this state. I've become more of an observer than a participant in this whole thing we call "life", which made me partly numb to emotions, antisocial, and manipulative. My focus and interests have shifted towards acquiring as much knowledge as my brain can absorb, and observing the people around me to better "shield" myself and extend my understanding of all things after my failed attempts at finding a purpose in the meaning of life which is partly responsible for my depression. I've not yet abandoned my attempts at finding a purpose in life, mostly because there are still many things I've not yet experienced and understood. Being alone all this time has made me focus my thoughts more into understanding myself, the origin of why I am the way I am and consequently my sexuality amongst many other things. My outlook on life is a bit more positive since then, and I've been attempting to become more of a participant rather than an observer lately. Figured I'd share another part of my little story which I've been spreading here and there like bread crumbs on this forum.
I have been a loner for most of my life and found that was also due to a major depressive disorder. I'm not saying you have that, but an antidepressant may help you feel better enough to go out and try some things, like volunteering. I have always felt better when I am helping others.
Hi Maea96 you sound like me when I was your age. I am (now) a few decades older so I thought I would share something... When I was 17 my geography teacher wrote me a letter because he could see I was quiet and shy. He said I should try and join some groups (hobbies, interests etc). I think he wanted to see me have more friends in my life. I did not follow his advice. But looking back I REALLY wish I had listened to him because it would have helped with a lot of my problems. My choice (to not follow that advice) allowed my shy nature take over and it led to isolation in later years and finally ... to depression (which I would not wish on anyone) So if I could give any advice it would be to think creatively about interests you can develop that involve activities with other people. Things that get you away from the computer and your bedroom!! having a better social life, creating more opportunities for friendships will also improve your chances of finding that "special person". Volunteering - as someone has suggested - is also a very good idea. If you think you are already a bit depressed maybe you have a counsellor at school, a doctor or friends you can talk with? You write very nicely by the way! xx
Oh, hon, I am so sorry you've had to go through this. I can relate to your situation very well. We're about the same age. I've had friends come and go, come and go - sometimes it seems like they care, but a lot of them turned out to be really superficial. I'm also naturally shy, and starting a conversation with someone scares the heck out of me. I began to give in to the pressure to be more extroverted, but as a result I talk way to much now. People = confusing, and everyone expects me to fit in. High school students, though, are incredibly stupid most of the time. You've gotta know that I completely understand how you feel; and so do loads of other people. I'm still mostly in the closet, and I have so many problems that I just slowly lose hope that life will get better day by day. Being happy takes work, but trust me: if you find your balance, and some lifelines, it WILL be worth everything in the long run. -Arli (Arlouine)
the guy I play games with does go to these anime/gaming events in town, a lot. It's a place where you dress up as your favorite anime character/gaming character and just walk around, socializing with people and having fun. I have been there with him once, but I didn't find the whole concept too appealing, nor enjoyable. But that was when the event was held in a huge concert hall loaded with people. Sometimes they're in a park etc etc. He wants me to go, but I don't think I would have a good time there. I might be wrong, who knows? But dressing up isn't exactly something I'd do. I'd have to sit in a costume and get weird stares at the train to town. (train, tube?) My friend also showed me a few pictures of a homosexual and bisexual he met there. He didn't really get too much in contact with them, but he did talk to them. They have the same interests as me, and almost the same age. Though they didn't look like something I would go for, if you know what I mean? Seeing them made me feel like I'm losing so much fun that I could've had. And they don't care that they have a different sexuality. They are comfortable with that, and wearing costumes. It makes me sad, tbh. lol. Now, I have seen 3 people who are not straight, and they're all out. I know there's probably lots of other people closeted like me (half-way), but all those I know of are out, and not in my interested-to-bond-with list. I sound selfish I'm sorry.
